


Breaking the Habit

by kstewdeux



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Inspired by InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Modern Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:08:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 75,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23152255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kstewdeux/pseuds/kstewdeux
Summary: After being separated for six years, Inuyasha and Kagome are reunited on her side of the well.
Relationships: Higurashi Kagome/InuYasha
Comments: 35
Kudos: 106





	1. Memories Consume

**Author's Note:**

> Original Title “Wherever You Will Go” on FFN.

He wasn't sure exactly how long it had been since the last time he saw her. Three babies worth of time. Four hundred sixty three exorcisms. Two hundred seventy six spontaneous demon attacks. Five winters. Five springs. Five summers. Four falls. Five hundred twenty eight jumps into the well. He kept track of every single one. Every moment away from her. But it felt so much longer. It felt like an eternity. Would Kagome even remember him? Was she keeping track as well or had she moved on?

Miroku had sat him down this morning. Ambushed him more like it. Said there was an exorcism and when they got far enough away gave him a dose of reality.

Kagome wasn't coming back. The well was never going to work for them again. It was time to move on.

But move on to what, exactly? It wasn't even about finding love again. He wasn't sure his heart could take it. In many ways, he almost felt like a widower. Two traumatic losses...three really as Kikyo died twice...was too many for him. In all honesty, he knew he wasn't going to recover from this last blow. His heart too broken to ever truly love someone again and that wouldn't be fair to anyone. Himself included.

So where did that leave him? He didn't know.

He'd been standing here, before the well, for the past hour trying to convince himself to jump into the well. This would be the last time he'd do it. He almost wanted to push it back to tomorrow or even next week. Have a few more days believing that this time would be the time it'd work. Deep down he knew he was kidding himself. Miroku was right. That and he'd done this every three days. Today was the third day. It was tradition at this point. If one day...if she came back he could still say he tried every...

No, he couldn't think like that anymore. He was just never going to see her again. This was it. It was that simple. This was the day that belief ended. Time he left behind that quest that had been both the happiest and most stressed he'd ever felt. Acceptance was a bitter herb to swallow.

Letting out a long resigned sigh, he wrung his hands and tried to psyche himself up for the emotional blow that was about to be dealt. This was it.

He jumped.

And hit the cold hard ground.

For a moment, he remained kneeling. Trying to keep his composure and accept it for what it was. Tried to stay strong and persevere. Letting out a long unsteady breath, he closed his eyes and swallowed the lump swelling in his throat. He just needed to accept it was all. Just accept that he was never...that he would never...

A whimper escaped against his will followed shortly by one traitorous tear that slid down the bridge of his nose before dripping lazily onto the dirt. Releasing a shuddering breath, he shook with the effort of reinforcing the dam that was keeping the salty water at bay. It was his next inhale that broke it.

"Dammit," he choked as he beat his fist angrily against the bottom of the well, "Just _fucking **dammit**_. Why?! Is it because of me?! Was I just not good enough for her?! Is _that_ it?!"

More droplets splashed against the grey soil.

"I've never fucking asked for anything," he sobbed as he thrust both hands onto the ground and flexed his hands, "Not when mother died. Not about Kikyo. Not when I was starving or hurt or _anything_. The one time! The one fucking time I ask for something I get _**nothing**_?! What am I supposed to do?! I just..."

He knew screaming at the well was not going to help him and whatever gods there may be seemed to love to fuck with him rather than do anything helpful. Give him women who loved him before plucking them violently out of his life on a whim. Even his friends, the only friends he had _ever_ had, were human. They'd die sooner or later. He'd be back to square one. He couldn't go back to that life. He simply wouldn't survive.

"I just want to see her," he managed tearfully and he rested his forehead on the ground and beat his fist once more, "You can't even give me that? I've never asked for anything. _Never_. Just please. _Please?"_

How long he knelt there sobbing he wasn't sure. All he knew was that when he finally mustered up the strength to get up and head back home...night had already fallen.


	2. Opening the Wound

New Years Day was supposed to be about new beginnings. About making resolutions. About trying something new. It had become a tradition after the first year. On New Years Day she would try the well. She would try ten new ways of getting the well to reopen. In the six years that had passed, she had managed to graduate from college, gotten a new job, gotten her own apartment...

No matter where she was though she had always updated the laminated note tacked securely on the well-house door. Just in case he was able to come through when she wasn't there. Not once during all that time did she believe the well would never re-open. There was just some trick to it. She believed there was something she was missing so thoroughly that she majored in psychics. Surely modern day science would have some type of answer.

It hadn't.

Kagome let out a steadying breath as she looked down into the well and shrugged her shoulders determinedly. There was one thing she hadn't thought to try in all this time to get the well to reopen although why was beyond her. After extensive research through the records at the shrine, she'd found the secret to making sacred arrows and had constructed a bow with the help of one of the history PhD students at her university. The young woman had been over the moon someone had asked her since apparently not many people cared about her thesis on spiritual men and women of old.

And now it had come down to this.

Despite the passage of time, she had kept up archery on the off chance she was able to get through. With a practiced hand, she let out a steadying breath before trying to amp herself up with some medieval orders that helpful student had taught her. She let out a long steadying breath.

"Ready your bow."

In.

"Nock."

Out.

"Mark."

In.

"Draw."

Out.

"Loose!"

The arrow flew with expert precision and Kagome jumped into the overwhelming bright pink light...

And hit the ground _hard_.

"Mother _fucker_ ," Kagome swore softly as she cradled her wounded knee and shuddered, "Damn, I thought that one might've worked."

Smiling softly and shaking her head, she mused Inuyasha would've been proud of her word choices. She'd loosened up quite a bit in these past six years. Cursing having become therapeutic in handling her frustration. At least now she knew why his potty mouth was so rampant. And studies had actually shown that people who cursed and used filler words were more intelligent. It just solidified what she already knew. Inuyasha was more intelligent than he let on.

"Okay, next thing."

She never realized the arrow wasn't there.

* * *

It was just another ordinary day that passed by without incident. Another day watching a very subdued Inuyasha milling about the village delivering firewood and extra meat to the various huts. He had changed dramatically in the past year. Barely speaking unless spoken to. Spent massive amounts of time staring at nothing. His appetite had decreased to an alarming degree although it served to get rid of what little fat was on his already lean body. His face and abs more chiseled and defined which escaped his notice but not the notice of literally every unmarried woman under the age of seventeen and even a few of the married ones. Their obvious attempts to flirt were missed for a variety of reasons.

Reason number one was that the poor boy had never really been flirted with in the first place. Not really. Kagome wasn't the flirty type. Kikyo either. So when the young women would come up to him and bat their eyes with a coy smile, it completely went over his head. The lip stains did nothing. The rouge did nothing. When they tried to goade him into taking walks or eating the food they brought him he just thought they were taking pity on him. More than one teenager with a crush had been frustrated by his denseness.

Not that it would've mattered. He had no interest in the first place. Reason number two was what he knew the last time he tried the well. His heart was too broken and too numb to love someone else. He just didn't have it in him.

Leaping atop Kaede's hut, he rested his chin on his hand and stared despondently in the direction of the well. At least the urge to try the well again had faded. The very thought made him ill anymore. He was resigned to his fate.

A sudden beacon of pink light had him blinking rapidly and sitting up a little straighter. That scent of the sudden wind that played with a few tendrils of his hair nearly had his heart beating out of his chest.

It couldn't be. Not after all this time.

His breath began to come out in unsteady pants as he trained his ears forward. Waiting to head in that direction until he could hear Kagome's voice. It was highly possible he had finally gone insane. Dilated amber eyes watched as the light slowly faded and then he heard footsteps rushing up the base of the hut.

"What are you still doing here?" Miroku called up to him as he pointed in the direction of the well, " _Go_!"

"I...I don't..." Inuyasha breathed as he jumped down with effortless grace and turned wide panicked eyes towards the monk.

"Listen to me," Miroku ordered firmly as he gripped his friends shoulders, "If I never see you again, nothing would make me happier for it would mean you and Kagome-sama found each other again. Now go."

"I can't...I can't do it again..." Inuyasha tried miserably as his face crumpled, "What...what if..."

"You may not be able to feel it but I feel a disturbance in the well," Miroku urged as he shook his friend lightly, "It is _open,_ Inuyasha _._ I'm sure of it and I would never lie to you. Now go!"

* * *

"Okay, so holy water didn't work. Man, I thought maybe a different religion would..." Kagome muttered to herself as she looked over the small piece of note paper and scowled, "No that was a stupid one. I'm not even counting it. Let's see. Let's see. Ah, electromagnet. Electro...ah hell, I left it at the apartment. That's okay. There's still daylight. I can just... _ **oomph**_..."

It happened so quickly that she didn't have time to react. A strong pair of arms wrapped her around her middle and next thing she knew, she was rolling on the ground surrounded by heartbreakingly familiar red cloth. A woodsy, very male scent. The sounds of slightly manic laughter rank in her ears and it took her all of two seconds to associate the voice with the unfamiliar sound. She never had heard Inuyasha laugh, _truly_ laugh, before.

Grinning wider than she ever had in her life, she turned her head to look up at him and two clawed hands gripped the sides of her face as hungry lips descended aggressively onto her own.


	3. Picking Me Apart Again

* * *

"I love you," InuYasha panted as he finally mustered the strength to pull away and grin down at her. A few clawed fingers gently moving a few loose hairs behind her ear before leaning down to nuzzle her nose, "I've missed you so much."

"I missed you too," Kagome breathed happily as she moved to place a brief chaste kiss against his lips which kicked up into a playful smirk.

"Missed but not loved. What a shame," he teased against her lips before laying flush against her, "And here I thought you were waiting for me."

"You know I've always loved you," Kagome laughed softly as she wrapped her arms around him and drew circles on his back, "I would've waited as long as it took."

"A terrible decision if I'm being honest," he chuckled softly as he adjusted himself so he could rest his head against her chest. The sound of her racing heartbeat thrummed against his cheek and what tension remained in his muscles melted instantly.

"Baka," Kagome chided softly as she gently tapped his shoulder and he lifted his head to place another lingering kiss on her lips.

" _God_ , I've missed you," Inuyasha breathed as he gave her an affectionate smile and placed his cheek back over her heart. Right where he belonged. He could lay here forever honestly. Sure, it was a little cold but it wasn't bothering him and he would keep her warm anyway. They could just live on air.

"So, _so_ much," he added for good measure as he moved to wrap his arms under her and held her tightly against him. Six years had changed many things about him and one of them was being more open about his feelings. A soft sigh escaped him when he felt Kagome run her fingers through his thick hair and he happily nuzzled into her in reply. He wasn't going to chalk this up to a dream or even insanity. He knew the difference and he knew this was real. For a fleeting moment guilt filtered into his gut that he hadn't thought to use one of his attacks as she must have used of hers but it wouldn't have changed anything. It might've actually made it _worse_. He could've destroyed the well and then he would never be here like he was now. Perhaps it was part of a larger plan. A way to make them both grow and to make sure neither of them messed it up this time around. There had been too much coming between them back then. Too many reminders in that era. This was a clean slate for him. One where he could truly prove how much she meant to him. Something he had failed to do during their quest.

"So an arrow huh?" he asked lazily after a few more euphoric moments had passed. He felt Kagome nod while her fingers traced circles on his back. This moment was everything he had ever wished for it to be. Calm. Peaceful. Comforting. It wasn't passionate or over the top. No questions were being asked. No accusations or insecurity. No tears were being shed. There was no angst about the time they spent apart. No bitterness about the well being so obstinate. Just love. Just happiness. Just them. Together.

"I knew you'd find me. You always find me. No matter how far I went," Kagome hummed contentedly as continued running her fingers through the silver locks before trailing off at the ends. Laughing softly, Inuyasha nodded once and relaxed even more into her, "Always."

"We _could_ take this somewhere more comfortable," Kagome hummed after a moment and InuYasha lifted himself up slightly with a pout. As tempting as the idea of living out some of his deeply buried fantasies where her bedroom was concerned might be, he didn't want this to end and he didn't really want to spend time with anyone else at the moment. That could _very_ much wait.

"It's not that I _don't_ want to see your family," InuYasha began cautiously before lowering back down into his previous position and snuggling in, "I just want to be alone with you right now."

"Who said I didn't have a place to be alone?" Kagome laughed softly as she gently cupped his chin and forced his head up so he could look at her, "I don't live here anymore. I live all by myself."

"Not anymore," InuYasha reminded gently as his lips twitched upwards before he added in a teasing tone, "You're going to get so sick of me."

"Oh no, _whatever_ will I do," Kagome teased back. With a roll of the eyes and a soft snort, Inuyasha leaned forward and gave her another chaste kiss.


	4. You All Assume

* * *

InuYasha sighed as Kagome began to get up - missing her warmth immediately.

This past year, to be honest, seemed like a blur. He'd sleepwalked through his days until he inevitably succumbed to the brief escape sleep provided. Dragging himself on lead-weighted feet through the mundane responsibilities he had to take care of as he counted down the hours until he could close his eyes and shut out the world. When he forced himself to eat, the food was tasteless. Every time he lied and said he was fine, he could feel another piece of himself die inside. Nothing good ever happened to him. Every time it seemed like it might life swooped in to prove him wrong. It was exhausting to breathe. Exhausting to walk. To talk.

Even now, the feeling still lingered. Like he was subconsciously waiting for the axe to fall and reveal that this too was a cruel joke. Desperately wanting to be good enough for her but knowing he would never be. A small voice still mocking him in the back of his mind that he would inevitably destroy everything. That everything was already destroyed because of his selfish choices and inability to face the challenge that the well had presented him. The voice cooed in his sensitive ears that he was a failure, that he had failed her and that she would reject him once she learned he had given up on her. He would be alone in this world he didn't fully understand. Alone without even his friends to crawl back to like a dog with its tail between its legs. It was hard to get rid of the feeling entirely no matter how happy and relieved he felt in the moment. No matter how he tried to ignore it the voice stayed and continued whispering in his ear. This reunion had been a reprieve from the black that had been his life and now that the initial euphoria had faded the darkness began creeping its way back again.

How could he ever tell her he hadn't tried the well for a year now? Especially now that he knew she had still been trying.

A small piece of slick paper slid to the ground when Kagome opened the Well house door and with a small sigh, he knelt down to pick it up. The first word on the yellowing plastic was, of course, his name. Of course it was. Skimming over the rest of it, his heart began to sink. The second line was _'I love you_ ' followed by instructions on how to find her if she wasn't at the shrine. He always knew she didn't think any differently of him. That she never believed he was the animal everyone thought he was but this...this was...

Oh god, he had messed up. He had messed up _royally_. He never should have stopped trying the well. That...that...

"Okay the coast is clear," Kagome giggled happily as she turned and gave him a breathtaking smile that faltered when she saw him reading the small laminated note.

"You assumed I could read," he muttered softly as his ears dropped and Kagome furrowed her brow in confusion.

"I didn't assume anything. I knew you could read," Kagome replied in a disconcerted tone as she slowly descended the steps and knelt next to him. He forced a smile onto his face and handed the note to her. Searching his face for a moment, Kagome cupped his cheek in her palm and stroked it lightly with her thumb, "Come on. Let's go home."

While they walked quickly across the shrine grounds, Kagome glanced at him a few times before grasping his hand in hers. When he squeezed, she seemed to relax a bit although the concerned glances ate away at his once again frazzled mental state.

"I don't live too far," Kagome hummed as she cast him a warm smile, "I didn't want to move too far away. I think you'll like it. I'm on the top floor and the balcony is right above the roof of the next building over."

Furrowing his brow slightly, Inuyasha tried to figure of her meaning before paling slightly when she continued.

"You know so you could run if you needed to," Kagome sighed happily, "All the buildings nearby are pretty even. I've been looking into buying something in the country though. I think you'll like that better and it'd be cheaper too. It's actually good timing. A teaching position just opened up in one of the prefectures that are basically giving away abandoned houses. They're older but that's probably for the best. More what you're used to. I think that'll be better."

Dread began slowly festering in his stomach as they continued walking and she continued talking.

"But we can do that in a few years," Kagome amended when she saw his face. Clearing her throat, she squeezed his hand lightly, "I teach physics at the local high school now. Oh, um, it's kinda like the study of how things work. I thought I could use science to open the well like an idiot but I mean...well you know."

It was clear she was trying to figure out why he seemed suddenly quiet and upset as she continued.

"But don't worry about what you'll do here, okay? I talked to Mama years ago. I know you'll probably feel idle while I'm at work all day so the shrine will hire you if you want. Gramps is getting too old to move things around and they've been wanting to hire someone for the past few years," Kagome laughed awkwardly, "They'd pay you under Sota's name. I opened a joint account with him last year just in case you came back. If you don't want to do that, we can figure out..."

Kagome finally seemed to realize that something more serious was afoot by how InuYasha's ears had dropped until they were almost flat against his head.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Kagome asked softly as she stopped and cupped his cheek, "Hey. Sorry. You know I'm a nervous talker. I just..."

"No, no. It's not that. I'm just...just tired," he lied smoothly as he tried and failed to give her a reassuring smile. Truth was that hearing how she had built her entire life around him...how she planned on continuing to do so made him feel some type of way. On the one hand, hearing how she had never given up made him infinitely happy while, somehow, those same words made him want to crawl into a hole and die.

Because for the past year...he'd given up entirely. He sold everything he'd gotten for her. Surrendered his hut to a newlywed couple. Had not tried the well even once since that last painful time and had had no intention of ever trying again. Here she had been preparing for his arrival in every way...while he'd essentially pouted in a tree.

He could tell Kagome didn't believe him but she let the issue go and they walked together in companionable silence until they came to a stop in front of the tallest building on the block. It was only a few blocks away from the shrine but he honestly didn't remember it. He had to remember how to breathe when she informed him this was her new home.

His insecurity soared to new heights as Kagome stopped momentarily at someone else's door to inform the owner that she had a new roommate and needed a second key. He vaguely remember scribbling on a piece of paper. It was all he could do to stay calm as they entered the elevator and began rocketing upwards until they stepped out. There were two doors. On the one Kagome approached he couldn't help but notice the small white label underneath the number that read " _This One"_. Every element of her life seemed to revolve around preparing for him to find her.

Every.

Single.

One.

She had studied the science of how things worked for years to try to open the well. Had chosen where she lived to make sure he would be happy and not feel too cooped up. Had stayed near the shrine. Had arranged for employment. He felt an overwhelming sense of dread as she sent him a heartbreaking beautiful smile and opened the door.

Of course she had traditional furnishings. Of course she did. He also noticed the faint scent of instant ramen floating around the kitchen area. Glancing at the wall length glass that led to the balcony his heart dropped at the sight of numberless plants that obstructed the view of the city. She had done all of this...for him...

And he hadn't tried the well in almost a year. He had given up while she obviously had no intention of ever doing so. For a brief moment, he very seriously almost vomited from nerves.

His self-loathing soared to new heights as she proudly showed him all the clothing she'd purchased for him. How she had fucking _custom ordered_ a satchel with a hidden sleeve in the strap for his sword. There were other bags too and she sheepishly told him she had gotten a permit to carry a katana in public if it came down to it but...

"I've tried it out and it's still a little uncomfortable so I'm sorry about that," Kagome chuckled nervously as she finally realized how miserable he looked. Quickly placing it back into the hook from where she'd stored it, she cleared her throat, "But if you don't like it, we can figure something else out."

"Don't apologize," he mumbled as he moved to rub one of the cotton shirts between his thumb and forefinger, "I'm sure it's fine."

"I, um...they're all organic materials," Kagome continued nervously, "Cotton. Wool. I thought...I thought you'd like the scent better. We'll have to, um, go try on pants though. I only got some casual ones. I didn't know..."

"Stop," he interrupted softly as he let out a shuddering breath and dropped his hand, "Just stop."

Kagome flinched and stared up at him with wide, fearful eyes and he wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

"I stopped trying last year," he informed her softly as he averted his eyes and folded his arms tightly across his chest.

Kagome fearful expression faded into one of confusion.

"The well. I stopped trying. I just..." he swallowed thickly, "I couldn't do it anymore. I was trying every three days and...and it got..."

He let out another shuddering breath and tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

"InuYasha," Kagome breathed as the scent of her tears nearly knocked the wind out of him, "Don't..."

"I wasn't...I'm sorry. I just...I sold _everything_ and I gave up and I'm sorry," he choked miserably and whined, "I'm so sorry."

"I didn't try the well more than once a year after the first one," Kagome comforted as she gave him a reassuring yet guilty smile, "I know how much it hurt. I understand. I..."

"Don't you _get_ it? I gave up," he argued a little too aggressively as his nerves got the better of him, "And you've been...all of this..."

"InuYasha. It's okay," Kagome sighed but InuYasha couldn't bring himself to believe her.

"It's not though," he argued as he tightened his arms and began to spiral into despair, "You were here all this time waiting while I..."

"Come here," Kagome ordered softly and he complied wearily. She took his hand and led him to the bed before gently forcing him to sit down. Expertly plucking at the ties that kept his suikan cinched shut, she gently pushed it over his shoulders once undone before pulling it and his undershirt out of the confines of his hakama. Deftly and finally removing both as he sat there frozen, she smiled and raised a hand to scratch at the back of his neck.

"How many times did you try the Well?" Kagome asked softly before cupping his chin and forcing him to look at her when he tried to turn his face away.

Letting out a shuddering sigh, he closed his eyes and winced, "Five hundred twenty nine times. But I know that's..."

" _Way_ more times than I tried," Kagome finished for him as she pushed him back on the bed and moved to straddle him. Staring up at her with wide confused eyes, InuYasha tried to control the sudden pounding of his heart before shivering when she leaned down and began placing long lingering kisses against his throat. He tried to fight against the sensations that shot through him but his body won out and a soft moan escaped before he could squash it.

"You have _nothing_ to be sorry for," she whispered against his skin, smirking when he began to lightly pant, "We're here now. _Together_. That's all that matters."

InuYasha forgot how to breathe when she pulled away and suddenly it was bare skin that pressed against him.

"You're just..." he managed to chuckle shakily before inhaling sharply when she rocked her hips. Letting out a shuddering breath, he smirked up at her and finished a little more hoarsely than he would've liked,"You're just trying to avoid...We...we need to talk about..."

"No," Kagome cut him off as she leaned down and pressed her lips firmly against his and rocked again. InuYasha whimpered despite himself before scowling playfully, "Woman I feel _bad_. You can't just..."

"I can and I will," Kagome teased as she gently kissed down his jaw and his body traitorously tried to adjust to give her better access to his throat.

"But..." InuYasha tried to protest even as he knew the battle was lost when her lips found a particularly sensitive bundle of nerves. His mind was becoming increasingly fuzzy and he was fast losing control over his reactions to her tokens of affection, "But K-Kagome we never t-talked back then a-about how w-we felt a-and I don't w-want to m-make the same mi-mistake n-now."

Pulling back, Kagome looked down at him with a mildly amused, mildly annoyed smile.

"Look I'm _trying_ to seduce you here," Kagome teased as she gave him a somewhat patient look, "Are you _seriously_ going to try to _stop_ me?"

Blushing, InuYasha looked guilty for a moment before he smiled, _genuinely_ smiled, and rolled his amber eyes. The nagging little voice was still there but he wasn't to let a little guilt and shame get in the way of _this_.

"Guess not," he laughed shakily before he fluidly moved until he was the one on top and she was beneath him, "Go ahead. Seduce me then."

Several hours later, Kagome came back from her much needed shower and smiled softly at the image of a dead to the world InuYasha sprawled out on her bed quite literally laying how he fell. One hand dangling off the edge of the bed. One across his stomach while his legs were curled slightly and the shadow of a blissful smile still played on his lips. She took note of the way his ears subtly twitched in time with his heartbeat but failed to react to her movements. His chest rising and falling as he slept more soundly and more deeply than she'd ever seen him sleep before. It brought her a small sense of pride to know she'd worn him out so completely but more than that she felt happier than she could ever remember feeling.

He was here. Their lives could officially begin.


	5. I’m Safe Here In My Room

Sniffing once and shifting on the most comfortable futon he'd ever had the luxury of using, Inuyasha lazily opened his amber eyes. The small wooden ceiling fan whooshed quietly above him illuminated by the early light of dawn that filtered in through the window. For once in his life, he felt completely at ease upon waking instead of immediately and instinctively scanning his surroundings for incoming threats. It was perfect and all things good and yet...and _yet_...

Sniffing once more, he lolled his head towards the softly snoring woman next to him and sighed.

Why was it whenever he was left alone with his own thoughts the world seemed so much _darker_? His mind starting to wander down a path he honestly didn't want to go down. She had all but said she forgave him but _did_ she though? He had been serious about needing to talk things through. There had been too many misunderstandings in the past. Too many fights that came about due to pent up frustration until neither of them even knew what they had been fighting about in the first place. Too many half-baked thoughts flickering through his mind that he tried not to listen to but he couldn't quite shake. Thoughts only she had the answers to. Letting out a calming breath, he rolled onto his side and rested his cheek atop the back of one hand.

He needed to be better than he had been. Than he was now. She had built this life with him in mind. Had worked so hard to make sure he would be happy. The truth was he didn't feel like he deserved any of it. That he didn't deserve her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered quietly even though she was still asleep and he inhaled her scent deeply before closing his eyes. It was true. He still felt guilty he hadn't been trying and the woman was too stubborn when she was awake to accept his apology. She didn't _want_ his apology. The nasty little voice in his head whispered that she rejected his apology. Rejected it because his failures were unforgivable. Luckily, he knew to ignore the voice on _that_ particular issue. Kagome was many things and being endlessly forgiving was one of them. If only that forgiveness could make him forget the mistakes he made.

Breathing in her scent, he snuggled deeper under the covers and sighed. Why wasn't he _happy_ though? Not that he was _unhappy_ but the cloud that had followed him around for the past year should've gone away now that they were reunited and it was only serving to make him feel like he was slowly drowning. This was _everything_ he dreamed about for the past six years and more besides but still he was left feeling...left feeling...

Sighing dejectedly, he gently reached out and rolled Kagome onto her other side before drawing her small form against him. He could tell by how her heart rate increased that the maneuver had woken her up but instead of getting upset she merely snuggled into him and cooed. Pressing his nose into her neck, he focused on that scent that never failed to help him block out the ugly things of the world. That had often helped to keep the dark thoughts at bay during their quest. His lips twitched upwards as it began working just as it always had. Slowly but surely the dark cloud was pushed into the recesses of his mind.

"I missed you," he murmured affectionately against her shoulder as he tightened the arm around her waist.

Kagome hummed happily in reply before reaching up to lightly scratch the base of his ear before her nimble fingers froze and she began retracting her hand.

"Sorry," she whispered and he furrowed his brow in confusion.

"For what?" he asked as he nuzzled her neck and placed a kiss beneath her ear.

"You don't like people touching you ears," she yawned as she stretched out her stiff muscles before snuggling back into him. Laughing once despite himself, he gently propped himself up to look down at her face.

"Who told you that?" he asked with thinly veiled amusement. Opening her mouth slightly, Kagome cocked her head to the side before giggling, "You know. I'm not sure. I just...I just always assumed because the times I tried to touch them you glared at me."

Smirking, Inuyasha leaned down and gently tugged at her earlobe with his lips earning a soft groan before her sapphire eyes opened in realization.

"Distracting, isn't it?" he teased before he did it again and she groaned again before batting him away.

"Stop," she protested good-naturedly as she smiled lazily up at him, "It's too early for that."

"I didn't mean to glare," he admitted softly as he kissed her nose before adjusting himself so he spooned her once more, "They're just sensitive. Like your ears. I...I...well I didn't want you to know."

"If you had just _told_..." Kagome began playfully before trailing off and sighing when she felt him tense behind her, "I didn't mean..."

"No, no I should've," InuYasha cut her off as neutrally as he could as he moved to bury his nose in her neck, "I should've said a lot of things."

Inhaling softly, he began to relax again and let her scent wrap around his bruised heart.

"Why didn't you want me to know?" Kagome asked curiously and he sighed.

"Because I loved you," he admitted quietly, "I loved you for a long time. I thought saying...I was worried saying that I got... _turned on_ when you touched them would...well it would've been _awkward_. Especially when I wasn't sure how _you_ felt."

" _So_..." Kagome hummed as she turned in his embrace with a wicked smile in an obvious but welcome attempt to lessen the tangible awkwardness he'd caused, "I can touch them now, right?"

Rolling his eyes, he nodded before jumping when she wasted no time and reached up to gently fondle the ear closest to her. Eyes fluttering shut, he let out a shaky breath and moaned. Every once in a while he twitched and writhed but for the most part stayed within the shuddering breath arena.

"I have the _power_ ," she teased in a breathy imitation of that recognizable cartoon from the 80s and he chuckled.

"That you do," he hummed as his warm amber eyes stared at her adoringly. She blushed under his intense gaze.

"I love you," he murmured with a content sigh before he closed his eyes and pressed his ear more firmly into her hand.

Kagome hummed happily as she drank in his expression and the fact that after so long he was here beside her, "I love you too."

"Do you..." he began tentatively after a few more minutes of this pleasurably torture had passed, "Do you really forgive me? You know, for not...for not trying the well I mean."

"There is nothing to forgive," Kagome replied with a small frown before adding when she noticed the subtle flash of insecurity that flickered through his half-lidded eyes, "But yes, of course I forgive you."

The soft sigh of relief wasn't missed by her either. There was something else going on here, she quickly deduced as continued gently fondling his ear. Something she needed to keep an eye on. He had been acting very subdued since he arrived and at first she chalked it up to maturity but now she wasn't quite so sure.

"Do you want to see my family today?" she tried to ask casually noting his slightly despondent sigh.

"If you want," he replied as he moved to bury his nose in her neck. The slight tension that she could visibly see melting as he slowly inhaled. Yes, she definitely needed to keep an eye on this.

"I'd honestly rather stay here," Kagome crooned as she released his ear and drew him to her. One arm wrapped around her as he scooted closer and melted into her embrace.

"I'd like that," he sighed contentedly as he nuzzled her chest, "I missed you."

She could _definitely_ tell.

"What all did you miss about me?" she asked playfully before he groaned and chuckled darkly, "Rephrase the question."

"Name _one_ thing you missed about me," Kagome amended as she gently ran her fingers through his hair. Inhaling deeply, he melted further into her embrace before exhaling, "Your scent. You smell nice."

"I thought you hated my scent," she teased lightly trying to lighten the mood and his lips twitched upwards as he played along, "I was lying."

A lazy chuckle escaped him as he nuzzled her nose, "So should I pretend to pass out now or..."

Kagome laughed and shrugged playfully.

"I mean, we don't need to relive _all_ of it," she hummed as she blushed herself, "Although those words made my little teenage heart beat a little faster. Got me hot and bothered thinking about later."

"Oh so _that's_ what you were thinking. I was so confused when the sun rose. Kept thinking I was crazy for _weeks_ when I caught a whiff of the spike in your scent," InuYasha replied with no lack of amusement as he pulled back to get a better look at her pink tinged face, "Even back _then_ you were into me?"

Kagome nodded and grinned inwardly when she saw the cocky confidence she remembered return to his gaze.

"Of course you were. I'm irresistible," he purred flirtatiously as he leaned forward and captured her ear. She groaned softly as a wicked grin bloomed on her lips.

"Ah yes. You had me at ' _If you don't want to feel the pain of my claws hand over the jewel',_ " Kagome teased before pouting when he pulled back and snorted.

"Bullshit," he chuckled as he rolled his eyes and smirked, "That's like me saying you had me at ' _sit boy'._ Although technically I guess you kinda did. Still do."

A wave of relief washed over him that this line of conversation didn't bring any of his insecurities front and center. In fact it was strangely helping push it away. His lips twitched upwards as he saw her blush.

"I'll take them off," Kagome muttered good-naturedly before noting how his face fell, " _Unless_ you want them."

"You...you can take them off," he muttered hesitantly as some of the dark cloud rushed forward. _Why_ was he conflicted? _Why_ did he have to feel like this? He was beginning to feel like himself again...and then...just _dammit_. He just didn't understand and he _hated_ it.

"Well maybe _later_ ," Kagome continued as her cheeks turned a deep crimson, "There _is_ something I want to try first."

Inuyasha furrowed his brow before her hand wormed between them and his eyes widened as those nimble fingers made him realize _exactly_ what she meant. When she gently squeezed, his eyes nearly crossed and just like that the dark cloud mercifully peaced out.

"Woman don't you do it. Thats...thats a s-stupid i-idea," he chuckled shakily as he shifted his hips to press into her hold. Kagome merely grinned.


	6. Unless I Try To Start Again

* * *

The first full day passed filled with general laziness and contentment. Just them reconnecting in every possible way. She whispered she loved him and he said the same. It was wonderful and calming and he finally, finally felt like himself for the first time in what seemed like forever.

And then night came.

Inuyasha lolled his head towards the ceiling as he rolled onto his back and groaned softly. It had to be past midnight. Had to be. But _apparently_ his brain decided this would be the perfect time to give him a run down of literally _everything_ he'd _ever_ done wrong where Kagome was concerned. Because, ya know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing. _Why_ wasn't this going away? He was _here_ , wasn't he? He shouldn't feel like this anymore but that thought only made him feel even more miserable. Carefully, he finally sat up and sat on the edge of the bed. Rubbing his hand a few times over his face, he huffed once in frustration before standing up and moving to the kitchen. Maybe if he just drank something he'd feel better. Tea or something. She'd shown him how to use the stove after all. Because, ya know, he didn't know how to do literally _anything_ here. Even if her family took pity on him and offered him work that was a short term solution at best. If thry ever moved, he would have no way to provide for her. He wouldn't even know where to start. Kagome would probably spend the next several years explaining everything he should already know. Ultimately, he'd be a burden to her. He already was a burden on her. She had built her life around him and what she thought he would want and that wasn't how it should be. He was useless. Worthless. This entire relationship was doomed to fail and he'd be alone again. He'd be...

"Inuyasha? You okay?" he heard Kagome mumble tiredly and he flinched. Dammit. He really didn't mean to wake her up. He thought he'd been quiet. Sighing heavily he glanced over his shoulder and gave her a very forced looking grin, "Yeah. Just couldn't sleep. Was gunna make some tea or...or something."

"I think I'll have some too," she replied and he swore silently as worry laced her scent. She knew something was wrong with him. And of _course_ she was probably going to think he was regretting being here or get her feelings hurt or something. But it wasn't about her. It had _never_ been _her_ that was the problem. It was _him_. It had _always_ been _him_.

"Go back to bed," he ordered gently as he continued heading towards the small kitchen, "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"Oh I'm not mad or anything," Kagome yawned before rubbing sleepily at her eyes, "Just want to spend time with you. Besides I have a few more days before I have to go back to work. If I need to, I can just take a nap later."

Nodding in understanding, he gently opened the cupboard where he could smell the nearest tea before frowning at the small box where the scent was coming from, "What's this?"

"Tea bags," Kagome replied with a small laugh as she moved and took it from him, "We don't use fresh tea leaves in this time. They're dried out and then put in satchels."

Inuyasha wrinkled his nose as she opened the small tin and held it out for his inspection. A few tentative sniffs killed whatever desire he might have had. It smelled like a grasshopper's anus now that it was open like that. At least with the lid closed it still smelled like _tea_. That was some deceptive advertising if you asked him.

"So how do you use those things?" he finally asked as he glanced up at her and she laughed, "Same way. Just boil water and then you put one in the cup."

"We need to get fresh tea," he opined firmly as he took the box from her and put the lid back on, "No way I'm drinking that. Smells rotten."

He cringed inwardly as soon as the demand left his mouth. He was in no position to make any demands from her.

"That's fair," Kagome admitted with a sheepish shrug before nodding towards the balcony, "I prefer the fresh stuff too. Got spoiled in the feudal era. I've been trying to grow my own herbs and stuff but its not going well. I don't think they get enough sunlight."

For a moment, Inuyasha stood there sniffing subtly for a suitable alternative before he finally shook his head and made himself a glass of water. Even the water here was disgusting and tasted like chemicals but it was better than drinking something that smelled like _decay_.

"Do you want to watch something on TV?" Kagome asked as she stretched her arms above her head and yawned once more. Lowering her arms, she scratched lazily at her chest and hummed, "Or I could make breakfast. Are you hungry?"

Honestly, he didn't know what he wanted to do. He didn't really feel like doing anything but still somehow felt restless. Leaning against the counter's edge, he tried to fight the urge to bounce his leg or fidget or even just run. Run far, far away and never come back so he could hide how much deadweight he truly was.

"Hey. Come sit with me," Kagome murmured affectionately as she sat down on the small plain couch. The only piece of truly modern furniture she owned aside from the bed itself. It still held elements of the only time period he'd ever known but its construction and style would never be something he'd find at home. Cringing slightly as that thought crossed his mind, he stubbornly told himself this _was_ his home now. It belonged here along with everything else. Himself included. Easier said than believed.

Setting down his glass, he slowly made his way to sit beside her. No matter how he tried to smile and act like everything was fine he could feel his ears giving him away and stubbornly refusing to play along.

"You're unhappy," Kagome stated simply without any accusation or anger. Not even disappointment. Amber eyes reflected the confusion and fear he felt upon hearing her proclamation.

"It's not you," he blurted out desperately as he grabbed her hand and held it firmly against his chest, "It's not that...that I regret finding you again. I don't. And...and I do love you. I do. I just...I'm working on..."

Kagome held up her free hand to silence his rambling and his stomach plummeted.

"I do love you," he breathed hoarsely as cold resignation began sweeping through his heart. Of course he messed it up already. Of course he did. He destroyed everything he touched.

"I love you too," Kagome hummed a little sadly, "But..."

Inuyasha's heart stopped and he forgot how to breathe.

"But I think this past year was harder on you than you've been telling me," Kagome continued as she gave him a reassuring smile, "And I want you to know that _if_ you _are_ still having a hard time, if you're having trouble _recovering,_ I'm here for you. I will not leave you. I will _always_ love you. No matter what."

InuYasha let out the breath he was holding as he blinked at her.

"Now I want you to be _honest_ ," she continued as she gently pried her hand off his chest and moved it to his cheek, "Tell me about this past year."

His face crumpled as he turned it away.

"Is it that obvious?" Inuyasha asked softly as he cast her a weary glance. Kagome smiled sadly and nodded. A long tense silence followed as the normally closed off hanyou fought against his very nature to open up.

"I had been trying every three days like I said," he began with a despondent sigh, "And then one day Miroku sat me...okay he more ambushed me and said it was time to move on. I won't say it was his fault I stopped. It was more of an excuse. It...it was getting too hard."

He glanced at her nervously before plowing forward.

"I cried a lot at first," he continued thickly, "And then one day I stopped. I couldn't cry anymore. I couldn't do much of anything. It was like I was numb."

He heard Kagome let out a shaky sigh before gathering him to her. He cringed as the maneuver only made him that much more miserable. Still, what he said the first day was true. He wanted to talk things through. Mistakes had been made and many of them could be blamed on a lack of communication. He might be damned for it but...

"I..I still don't feel like myself," he admitted quietly as he leaned into her embrace and buried his nose into her neck, "And I don't...I don't feel like I deserve any of this. That I don't deserve you."

"InuYasha, you've suffered more than any one man should in your life. Of _course_ you deserve this. You _deserve_ to be happy," Kagome chided gently as she ran her fingers through his hair, "And to be honest, I could say the same thing after all the times I slammed you into the ground. I'm shocked you don't hold _that_ against me."

"Wasn't _that_ bad," he argued weakly as his lips twitched upwards. She couldn't be sure if he was talking about his life or all the sittings she gave him.

"Yeah _okay_ ," Kagome teased lightly as she decided to assume the latter before kissing his temple lightly. InuYasha swallowed thickly as he tried to force himself to believe her but came just short.

"I was worse," he mumbled so quietly she almost missed it. But she didn't.

"No," Kagome laughed once despite herself, "How can you even say that?"

"You know _exactly_ how I can say that," he muttered miserably as he wrapped one arm around her waist and squeezed, "Lies are unbecoming on you."

Kagome sighed heavily and rested her cheek atop his head. Trailing her fingers lazily through his hair, she chewed the inside of her cheek as she tried to think of what else to say.

"Let's assume what you said is true," Kagome began cautiously and he tensed, "That you _don't_ deserve any of it. That you _are_ this _terrible_ person. What then?"

"What do you mean?" he asked softly.

"I mean what am _I_ supposed to do?" Kagome asked with a simple shrug, "Do you want me to _punish_ you somehow? Kick you out? Gasp in realization and leave you?"

His ears lay flat against his head and he inhaled deeply as he tried to find some semblance of calm.

" _I_ don't want to do that," Kagome continued as she gently reached up and messaged an ear until it peeled up, "It would hurt _me_ to do that. I love you. I'm right here with you. Being by your side is the _only_ place I want to be for the rest of my life. Are you telling _me_ that _I_ don't deserve _that_?"

InuYasha sighed heavily and the ear struggled to lay down again. She wouldn't let it.

"Why?" he finally asked in a small voice, "Why me?"

"Because being in your arms was the safest and happiest I've ever felt," Kagome hummed as she gently messaged the stubborn ear, "Because I watched as you risked your life for me over and over. Because you're stubborn and loyal and you speak your mind. Because your eyes and ears express every emotion you feel even when your mouth says otherwise. Because no matter how badly you get hurt..."

She paused and pressed her lips firmly against his forehead.

"You _always_ manage to get back up again," she finished quietly, "I could list a million more reasons if you want. Give you the _entire_ break down of moments that made me fall in love with you. But I will _not_ punish you. I will _not_ leave you. And I will _always_ love you. No matter what."

InuYasha pulled back. His eyes swimming with some unreadable emotion before he looked down at his hands.

"I...I don't understand how your world works," InuYasha admitted quietly, "I don't..."

He sighed.

"There's so much I don't know. So many complications," he continued wearily - trying very hard to phrase his concerns correctly, "How are we supposed to get married here? _Can_ we get married here? Even in _my_ time you have to register with the headman. I don't _exist_ here. Im assuming by...by what we've done already that you know that it _isn't_ possible. Otherwise you would have...we would have gotten...well, the truth probably is that we can never get married. And what about children? What if they're like _me_? Will that prevent you from getting care from a healer? Will they be classified as bastards? What will that mean for _them_ in this time? What will it mean for _you_? And yeah, I can work at your family's shrine but you were saying you want to move. What would I do there? How can I provide for you? I just..."

"Oh InuYasha," Kagome cooed sadly as she reached one hand to cup his cheek, "Listen to me _very_ carefully."

Amber eyes whirling with resignation met sapphire filled with determination.

" Yes, there will be complications but we will figure it out _together_ ," she reassured him firmly, "Because all that matters is that we are _together_. If you want, we can get married at the shrine and log it in _their_ books. Hell if you want it to be ' _official_ ' we'll get some black market documents. I _honestly_ don't care. For kids, people give birth at home all the time. We can do research to make sure we're safe about it. _All_ that matters to me is that you are _here_ and we are _together_. _That's_ it."

"You'd break the laws of this time?" InuYasha smirked as he gave her a once over, "What happened to my innocent little miko?"

"Okay I mean if we can stay within the parameters of the law I'd prefer that," Kagome admitted with a blush before huffing, "But there technically are no laws governing time travelers so would it be breaking the law to find a way to get you documents? Technically no."

"Technically _yes_ ," InuYasha countered as he struggled to keep a straight face, "I know what a black market is. We have those in my time too."

"Okay I'm _trying_ to be comforting," Kagome groaned as he buried her face in her hands and InuYasha laughed before pulling her into a tight embrace.

"Consider me comforted," he teased before he buried his nose into her hair, "I can't say..."

He inhaled deeply and let her scent soothe the lingering aches.

"I can't say I'm okay yet," he admitted as he tightened his hold, "But you're right. All that matters is that we're together."

"Exactly," Kagome hummed before rolling her eyes, "But you just love pushing my buttons don't you?"

"Always. One of the perks of loving someone like me. You get to be endlessly annoyed forever."

Kagome snorted.


	7. I Don’t Want To Be The One

InuYasha tried to control his breathing as he stood in the warm water cascading over his body. She looked so disappointed in him. So annoyed. _Exasperated_ even. He was trying to be honest with her. He honestly didn't understand. He wasn't pretending to be stupid to annoy her. He just _was_ stupid.

His breath began coming out in short panicked gasps as he firmly planted one hand against the smooth tile to steady himself. It had started off innocently enough. Teaching him about money in this era before they went shopping for food. Easy enough, right? _Fun_ she called it. Until he kept confusing the coins and bills and it took him seemingly forever to be able to figure out what each one meant. And then she tried to explain the stupid cards and that just confused him even more. It wasn't like he'd ever seen her use this type of currency before and even if he had it had been in passing. He didn't understand how currency could be exchanged instantly like that. He didn't understand this modern technology everyone in this time just magically took for granted. He _barely_ understood how to use the microwave and turn on the shower. Thank god he knew how to turn on the shower. He was barely keeping it together right now and if she'd...if she'd seen...

Then, oh and then, she'd tried to explain phones to him. He had the audacity to ask how they worked and tried to put it in terms he could wrap his mind around. Why the hell did he try to compare it to a messenger delivering a letter?! They weren't even _remotely_ the same but the words had flown out of his mouth before he could stop them. Then she'd tried to explain phone numbers and all the keys and...and he snapped at her. He hadn't meant to snap. It was just...his mind felt like it was melting and he was overwhelmed and frustrated and...and...

It was becoming increasingly hard to breathe as water cascaded over his face. Not all of it fresh. Salt water was mercifully being swept away as quickly as his eyes produced it. He hadn't even been here a week and she was already tired of him. She was beginning to see how much of a burden he truly was.

Kagome would leave him. There was no doubt in his mind.

A shuddering breath escaped him as he slowly sank to his knees and submitted fully to the panic coursing through his veins. Maybe if he did, even just for a few minutes, he could get himself under control and hide how he was feeling. He couldn't let her know how far he had fallen. How broken he truly was. This type of thing had only been happening the past few months. Not that he'd let anyone in the village know. He hadn't even let his friends know. No one knew of this shame. That he couldn't even keep it together after the littlest inconvience anymore. Kagome would hate him. Probably _already_ hated him because he didn't understand this world or how it worked. She had though it would be simple to teach it and it should've been except it wasn't and now she knew...

She knew...

His heart hammered inside his chest like it belonged to a rabbit running for its skin. Everything felt like it was spinning out from under him as a million ugly thoughts bounced around in his skull. Arguing against the negative thoughts, like Kagome had suggested, was only making it worse until the bad thoughts got so fast and so disturbing that his brain shut down and his body felt numb. The water ricocheting off his body and the tile sounded a million miles away. Everything beyond that sounded like a high pitch ring.

He didn't belong here. She was already tired of him. Tired to explaining everything even though she had seemed so sure it would be okay. All the preparation she'd done hadn't prepared her for how stupid he honestly was. How ignorant he was. How useless he was.

Pressing his forehead against the smooth tiled wall, he had to plant both hands firmly into the ground to kept himself from collapsing onto his side. He should never gone through the well. She would have been so much happier without him here. It hadn't even been a week. Hell, it hadn't even been a few _days_.

He vaguely registered the sound of the door sliding open and he wished his heart would stop beating.

"Go away," he ordered hoarsely as she turned off the water and knelt down beside him.

"No," Kagome murmured affectionately as she reached for a towel and gently laid it across his back. Why wouldn't she just leave him already? He knew she wanted to live a life where she wasn't having to _constantly_ babysit him. He swallowed thickly as he tried to force his mind and body to behave using sheer will. To stop those tears still cascading down his cheeks which he prayed she'd mistake for ordinary water. He didn't want to give her _another_ excuse to abandon him.

"I shouldn't've tried to force you to learn so much in one day. That's my fault," Kagome cooed as she began to dry him off, "I know it must be pretty overwhelming. I'm sorry."

"Why are _you_ fucking sorry?" he bit back as he tried to shrug her off, "Don't apologize for shit that's not your fault."

"InuYasha I don't expect you to know everything," she tried to comfort him and he involuntarily curled in on himself - hating his treacherous body the instant It happened.

"I don't know anything," he managed to breathe as the panic clouded his mind, "I've fucking ruined your life."

"It's been two days. You're getting worked up over nothing," Kagome laughed softly before cringing when that seemed to make him worse. With a soft sigh, she continued drying him off before gently coaxing him out of the shower and gently leading him to the bed.

"I'm not mad at you," she tried gently as she gently placed him on the bed and began gently wringing out his hair into the towel, "I was frustrated with _myself_. I knew better than to introduce all that at once and I saw how upset it was making you."

"I...I shouldn't've..." he mumbled as exhaustion began slowly replacing the overwhelming panic, "I should've been able to understand quicker than..."

" _Shhhhh_ ," she quieted him before gently guiding him to lay down, "It's okay. Everything is okay."

He desperately wanted to believe her but his own self-loathing won the day. Curling into the pillow, he couldn't even bring himself to look at her. How could someone so utterly _broken_ look upon a perfect being such as her? He had stared down Naraku. Survived countless decades by himself. Only to get taken down by his own mind. This wasn't him but he felt like a stranger in his own body. Something else, something _evil_ had control.

"Why don't you take a nap, hm?" Kagome offered tentatively, "We can go to the store later. I probably need to work on lesson plans anyway. I've been putting them off all break."

InuYasha felt even more miserable that he couldn't even understand _that_. He didn't understand anything. She was going to leave him. She was going to leave him. She was going to leave...

"If you want, maybe you could help me organize my papers," she continued with a hint of hope but obviously choosing her words carefully. Because she had finally realized how fucking stupid he was.

"Just go," he ordered despondently as he burrowed under the blankets and tried to become one with the mattress, "Just...just go."

He heard Kagome sigh and he pulled the blanket up a little higher before furrowing his brow in confusion when he heard her begin pilfering through her drawer. Heard her shimmy out of her clothes before clearly putting on something else. His confusion deepened when he felt her crawl into bed next to him and felt her body tightly spoon him. It made no sense. None whatsoever.

"I'm not going to leave you," Kagome breathed against his shoulder blade, "Not now. Not ever. Would you have left me because I didn't understand how to harvest rice? Because I can't produce a barrier or recognize all the different medicinal herbs? Because I'd have a hard time adjusting to a life without shampoo or conditioner? Without _actual_ soap? Or if I got depressed because I'd never see my family again? No. You _wouldn't_ because you'd know it would take some time to adjust. That there would be things I would need to learn. It is perfectly fine to not know things. It's okay to be weak sometimes. I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to judge you. I love you and one day this will all just be a memory. Probably not the best memory but it will be in the past. You might even laugh about it."

"I just..."

"It might..." Kagome began hesitantly as she nuzzled the bare skin on his back, "I might try to see whether we can find someone to talk to though. They have some you don't even have to meet in person. You wouldn't have to go to anyone directly. Or maybe I could find someone who can give you some, uh, herbs to help with this. To make you feel better."

The fact that she was censoring herself had him reading between the lines.

"You want to drug me," InuYasha replied numbly as he rubbed his cheek miserably against his pillow. He got the gist of what _that_ meant. Seen how woman and men of ill repute and unseemingly professions used to numb themselves. She wanted to do that to him because she thought he was broken. _Useless_. She wanted him to...he didn't even know.

"I want to _help_ you," she breathed as she propped herself up and gave him a worried smile, "We don't need to try drugs if you don't want to do that. I'm not going to force you to do anything you're uncomfortable with."

He rolled onto his back and stared up at her with doll like eyes. Kagome's heart sank but she kept the smile on her face - even though it was slightly forced. She never meant...she just thought he'd want to learn but given what he'd confessed to her earlier that morning that had been a _stupid_ idea.

"I'm okay," he lied softly as he gave her a tired, obviously fake half-grin, "Just tired, okay? I...I didn't sleep much last night."

"Okay," she mumbled as she slowly maneuvered to lay out beside him and rested her cheek over his bare chest, "Why don't we take a nap? I'm a little tired myself."

She couldn't stop the worry working into her heart anymore than he could stop how he buried his nose atop her head. She could feel his breath fluttering against her hair and felt his tense muscles relax under her skin.

"Does my scent help?" she asked after a long tense moment and he nodded.

"It always did."

That didn't sit exactly right with her. How long, exactly, had he been feeling like this? Sure, it was probably worse now than it had been. Either that or he'd been excellent at hiding it.

In the beginning, and even throughout the quest, there had been moments she suspected. Moments when she could see the haunted look in his expressive amber eyes. At the time, she assumed it was because of the struggles they'd been having with Naraku. That the misery she could sometimes see on his face could be attributed to pining for Kikyo but now she wasn't sure. He had been so hellbent on becoming a full demon. Was it because he wanted power or really more that he wanted a place to belong? She had long suspected it was the latter. Hell, she'd been depressed too if she had to live more than a hundred years on her own being called names. To be honest, he'd never really talked about his past all that much. Their discussions had focused on his mother and then Kikyo but nothing in between. Maybe...

Maybe it would be good for him to talk to someone about those times. Even if the person he talked to wasn't her.

Still...

"Has this ever happened before?" she asked quietly before screaming internally when he immediately tensed, "Feeling sad I mean."

He didn't answer with anything more than a long sigh.


	8. The Battles Always Choose

* * *

Groaning, Inuyasha blinked sluggishly at the soft orange light that signaled dusk was upon them. A signal of the end of one of the most humiliating days of his life. The memory of that morning honestly seemed like a blur. Wallowing in self-pity like that wasn't really his way. Or at least it hasn't been. He hadn't wallowed when mother died. He hadn't even wallowed, _much_ , when Kikyo died. Either time. Why was this affecting so much more than someone _dying_?

He sighed softly and glanced down at the woman sprawled out on his chest. Kagome was everything he ever wanted and things he never even knew he was capable of asking for. Even when he'd been reduced to...to _that_ , she still stayed by him.

Truth be told he was utterly disgusted he'd reacted like that. What was so overwhelming about learning simple things anyway? Why was _everything_ seemingly overwhelming anymore? It made no sense. This wasn't who he was. This had never been who he was but then here he was acting like a little bitch over things that wouldn't even kill him.

Maybe that was the problem though. For the first time in his life, he _honestly_ wasn't in danger of dying. There was nobody here chasing him or looking for a fight. He knew beyond a doubt that he was _safe_. There was nowhere he _needed_ to be. No _reason_ to run or hide like he'd done almost every day of his life. No tasks, no quests, no goals to keep his mind busy. There was nothing for him to focus on except what was bouncing around in his mind.

He needed a _goal_ , he decided, or at least something _else_ to focus on. He always did _better_ when he had something to block out the dark cloud that had followed him around since childhood. Survival has been the goal for a long time although that goal came and went throughout the decades. Then Kikyo came into his life and his goal became being with and protecting her. The jewel shards, Naraku and revenge came next. Then Kagome and being reunited with her became his focus. It was after he gave up on Kagome that everything started to go haywire in his mind. All the dark thoughts jumping at the opportunity to shine for once and spiraling from there. Gaining momentum with each passing day.

He needed to find something else to focus on. The clearest option would be Kagome but she seemed more than capable of caring for herself in this era. He wasn't actually needed which was also causing problems. He wasn't actually _needed_ for _practical_ reasons like protection _or_ providing. His focus needed to be...needed to be...

Assimilating.

Yeah. That might work. After all, part of what fueled him during the quest for the jewel was the desire to fit in. He could just rely on old faithful and work towards fitting in in this time. Differently, of course, but having an actual goal would _definitely_ work like it had in the past. He was _pretty_ sure it would anyway.

Wanting to stop feeling like this as quickly as possible, his next course of action wasn't the best thought out all things considered. He stealthily maneuvered himself off the bed taking great care to not disturb Kagome as he did so. Went to the closest and picked out an outfit that he felt he'd seen other men in this time wear. A basic royal blue shirt. A pair of soft dark grey sweatpants. Underwear, of course, and flip flops. He choose a plain black bandana to top it all off.

And then he headed to his next destination. The cash Kagome had laid out that morning was still on the table. He quickly pocketed it and the card. His key quickly followed and he was out the door and on his way to make a pretty drastic, probably regrettable change.

* * *

Kagome hummed tiredly as she stretched out on her bed. Lazy days like this were the best but unfortunately she had to go back to work in three days. She'd been neglecting doing lesson plans too. That was definitely going to eat up her Sunday. That... _wait_...

Her eyes shot wide open and she bolted upright. To her shame it had taken her a minute to remember why she'd taken a nap in the first place. Her shame morphed you horror as she glanced around the small apartment and gently forced her power out to try to make sure he was still there.

He wasn't.

"InuYasha?" Kagome called out in a worried tone as she quickly scrambled out of bed, "Where are you?"

Rushing into the living room her worry escalated into full blown panic as she looked around and saw no signs of him. He wouldn't have left, would he? Where would he even...

"Oh no," she breathed as she rushed to grab her jacket and some shoes. She didn't have time to change out of her pjs. She needed to get to the well and she needed to get there now before he did somethingthat couldn't be undone.

* * *

Inuyasha felt strangely proud of himself as he casually walked down the street while the sun dipped below the horizon. It seemed silly but just this simple action actually was working to make him feel slightly better about the whole thing. He was just another guy going about his business like everyone else. No one cared about what he _obviously_ was as they passed by without so much as a second glance. It was actually kinda nice. Any comments he did overhear were about the one thing he was on his way to change. Once that was done no one who he didn't care about would even _notice_ him. And after that he'd prove to Kagome he understood how money worked here. Every man that walked by he took mental notes. It seemed like most of them wore a blue cotton-like material. There were various shades, of course, but most men his age seemed to be wearing those. If everyone was wearing them, they should be relatively easy to find. Still first things first. He needed to fix the one thing people were noticing.

The question was where the hell could he do that. In retrospect, he probably should have asked Kagome but he really didn't want to remind her of the fact he didn't know anything. That was the entire point of this. To _prove_ he could figure things out on his own. He'd find this service. There seemed to be a shop for everything here. There _had_ to be a shop for that.

And sure enough there was. It seemed fancier than he was expecting for such a crude profession. Hair was rather dirty after all. He cringed and hoped that he hadn't stumbled across the most expensive person in this town. Any pride Kagome might feel might get overshadowed if he'd spent too much.

Opening the door, he crinkled his nose at the almost overwhelming scent. A mixture of acid, burnt hair and chemicals he'd never been exposed to before covered up with some type of faux floral perfume bullshit. It was all he could do not to gag.

An elderly woman began rushing over to him as she wiped her hands with a towel and smiled.

"Good evening. Do you have an appointment?" she asked as she moved behind the counter and began running her finger over a lined piece of paper. He shook his head and she furrowed her brow.

"Oh, well with that much hair we will need to make you one," she began before noticing how quickly his face fell and the blush on his cheeks, "But maybe we can fit you in. What type of service are you looking for today?"

"Haircut," he tried to say more confidently than he felt and the woman eyed his long silver locks.

"A trim?"

He shook his head, "I want it short. Like...like everyone else."

"Have you ever had a haircut before?" she asked before cringing sheepishly and blushing herself, "I'm sorry. It's just so long."

"No, no it's, um, fine. I've...I've never had it cut before."

"And you want to get it cut short," the woman asked with a skeptical smile, "That's quite drastic."

"I need a change."

"I see. Well, if you're sure, I'll need to cut off a lot of it before we wash it. Just take off the bandana and..." the old woman began with a sigh and Inuyasha panicked.

"I...I can't take the bandana off."

"Do you need help or..."

"I..." his mind raced to find a reasonable explanation before screeching to a halt when the most obvious one came to mind. One he'd been told all his life.

"I'm deformed. The bandana covers it. I don't want anyone to see," he replied with a dejected sigh, "If you can't cut around it, I..."

The woman's eyes softened sympathetically and she gave him a sad yet understanding smile.

"Here. Let's go to the back. We have a training station," she offered as she began walking and he followed her even as his heart plummeted. Why was he even following her? She obviously wanted to see what marked him as a _freak_. They entered a small room with a single chair and small mirror before she closed the door behind her.

"Let me see then," she ordered gently and he tensed. Humans in this time didn't know demons existed. She'd probably run screaming in horror if she saw. This was a mistake. He'd get Kagome to cut it. This was...

"There is no reason to be afraid," the woman continued as she gestured for him to sit, "I volunteer at the children's hospital every Sunday. Whatever you have wrong with you, I assure you I've seen worse."

"Doubt it," he breathed before deciding to hell with it and he took off the bandana before averting his eyes so he didn't have to see her disgust.

"That's it?" the woman laughed although he could tell by her scent it bothered her.

"Don't worry. You're still handsome. If that is the worst that happens to you in this life, it is a good one," she tried as she began to run her fingers through his hair - pausing slightly around where his ears should be, "Now when you say _short_ how attached are you to that idea?"

"I just want something more normal," he muttered miserably as he tried to ignore the scent radiating off her. She pitied him. Was slightly frightened. Worried. A little grossed out. How could Kagome even stand to look at them, much less touch them? _No one_ wanted to look at their veiny, fuzzy, twitching glory. Not even him.

The woman picked up a nearby magazine and began flipping through it before making a small sound of recognition and putting a picture in front of his face. The man had what looked like a half sloppy top knot with some length on the sides framing his face and the remaining hair halfway down his neck.

"It's a mini man-bun," she giggled as she pulled it back, "I would cut your hair to be shoulder length. Clean up your bangs and forelocks. You could pull it back or let it down. This style I think will give you more confidence than having it too short and be closer to what you're used to having."

"Whatever you think," InuYasha mumbled as he closed his eyes so he didn't have to see what the woman was about to do.

"Don't feel bad about being different," she hummed as she began to section off pieces of his hair, "Everyone has their own set of challenges. The ears aside you're still very good looking. One day you'll find a pretty girl and..."

"I have a..." he began before clearing his throat as he mulled over what exactly to call Kagome now that they'd been intimate, "I have a wife."

"And she's okay with you cutting your hair?" the woman asked knowingly and he blushed.

"I want to surprise her," he whispered as he opened his eyes to glance at the woman who was in the process of rolling her eyes before going about her business.

"Next time you do something like this tell her first," the woman advised as she finished sectioning off his hair and reached for the scissors, "How long have you been married?"

"Not long," he sighed as he closed his eyes and prayed this woman would stop asking questions.

"How long have you known each other then?" she asked and he cringed. His concept of time was still a little...

"Eight or nine summers," he tried and he felt the woman pause. Opening his eyes, he was taken aback by the slightly adoring smile she was giving him.

"I like how you said that," she explained as she began unfurling on of the sections and ran two fingers down the piece, "Not many men are romantic these days. My late husband was like you. Always trying to..."

It was hard to hold back the groan that wanted to escape as she began hacking off feet of hair.

* * *

It was damn near impossible to track his aura. He'd gone this way for several blocks mercifully _away_ from the shrine. At least she could rule out the worst case scenario but after that, it was gone with the wind. Where was he going and why? So many 'whys' bounced around in her head. Why hadn't he said anything? Why had he left? Why did he always, _always_ think he had to do _everything_ on his own? He probably had some hair-brained scheme that he wanted to prove he could do _something_. But the mystery of what that something might be eluded her. Maybe he went to buy pants? They had been talking about that earlier. Would he even know where to buy them though? His sense of smell was pretty impressive and the mall was in this direction.

She quickened her pace as she turned a corner and passed right by a series of nail and hair salons.

* * *

"This isn't the finished product," the woman warned as she finally pulled back some thirty minutes later, "This was just to make it easier to wash."

She paused and furrowed her brow.

"Are your ears sensitive?" she asked in a worried tone, "We do have sensitive shampoo and conditioner but do they hurt when touched?"

He opened his eyes at the question before subtly shaking his head. No one had ever asked if they hurt before. People either assumed it would cause pain when wrung - which was correct - and didn't think about it further because that's what they wanted or they assumed they were sensitive to touch for other reasons like pleasure and calm - also true. Most people in his experience knew they were sensitive but no one had ever actually _asked_.

"Is your hair dyed? Or bleached?" she asked next and he shook his head again. He could tell she didn't believe him.

"It's my natural hair," he coughed lightly before finally looking at the mirror and his eyes bugged. Oh _god_ what had he done.

"Again this is _not_ the finished product," the woman rushed to soothe when she saw his mildly horrified face, "Come on. Let's get you shampooed and then we'll come back, hm?"

* * *

Kagome was at her absolutely wits end as she searched the large, expansive mall. Even going as far as to ask the security team to see whether they saw a man with long silver hair wandering around. They hadn't and that only made her stomach churn. If he wasn't here, maybe he'd gone towards the well after all and she'd just wasted a good _hour_ looking for him where he wasn't.

" _Shit_ ," she breathed as she violently pushed open the door leading back to the busy street, "Oh, if you went through the well, I will find a way to get back there and kill you myself so help me god."

* * *

"So you pull it back like this," the woman instructed as she collected half of his hair and pulled it back into a somewhat spiky top knot. Gently wrapping the ponytail holder around it, she then began messing with the loose hair so it frame his face in an attractive way before reaching for his bandana.

"Men always go for the simplest way," she sighed as she began to fold into into something more reminiscent of a thick hair band before arranging it so it covered his ears and the sides of his head before tying it into a knot at the base of his neck. Pulling a few blocks of hair here and there, she finally pulled back and turned the chair so he could see himself. He blinked.

It...it actually didn't look _terrible_. Not something he would have ever thought to do in a million years but that wasn't saying much. He had only ever had exactly one hairstyle. In fact it actually made him look pretty good, he decided. A small smile began playing with his lips.

"See. Handsome," she hummed with a satisfied nod before adding sternly, "But you'll need to come back in a few months to clean it up."

He nodded gratefully before getting up.

"Do you like it?" she asked and he nodded again. She patted his cheek with a withered hand.

"Let's make an appointment this time," she laughed as she opened the door and began heading towards the front receptionist's desk.

"Will you be paying with cash or card?"

* * *

With each step Kagome's ire grew. How dare he just decide he was going to wander around aimlessly without even telling her? And if he'd tried to go through the well?! _Oooohhh_ she'd sit him until the cows came home.

She had half a mind to do it anyway.

"That stubborn..." Kagome huffed angrily as she continued marching back towards the shrine before freezing when a flicker of his aura caressed his cheek. Turning slowly towards the sensation, she nearly dropped dead when she saw him. If he didn't have a smile on his face, she would've decked him but as it was...

_Yeah_ , she still might deck him.

She noticed his nose twitching and his face turned towards her. The smile fading somewhat as he obviously caught the scent of her probably livid aura. Bowing slightly at the woman at the register he rushed outside with a sheepish smile.

"I did a thing," he tried to explain as he waited for her verdict. She looked mad enough to sit him and the small flame of confidence he'd felt began to flicker with the threat of going out entirely.

She sighed and chewed the inside of her cheek. Why did he have to look so adorably proud of himself after making her worry like that?

"What...what do you think?" he pushed as insecurity began welling in his gut. She hadn't said anything and she looked so _angry_.

"I wish you would've told me," she huffed finally before adding with a soft sigh, "But it looks good. I like it."

"Sorry," he mumbled as he realized she was probably right. No, definitely right. He should've told her. That was his bad.

"Why did you cut your hair?" she asked as she turned and began walking home. He could still smell the upset, worry and anger radiating off her like the plague.

"You don't like it."

"I don't like that you didn't tell me where you went. I was worried _sick_ ," Kagome huffed as she grabbed his hand tightly, "Your hair is fine."

"Sorry," he breathed as he clasped her hand just as tightly, "I thought you'd be proud I did this on my own."

"Would've been prouder if you'd freaking told me," Kagome huffed before stopping and grabbing the much shorter pieces of hand. With a soft yank to force him down, she kissed him fiercely and what tension had been building melted out of him instantly.

"I love you but don't scare me like again," she chided when she pulled back. For a moment that spark of smugness and confidence shone in his eyes before it faded and the haunted look was back though not as intense as it had been that morning.

"I should've told you," he sighed heavily as he grabbed her hand again and gave her a once over, "I didn't mean to scare you. You look like you ran right out the door."

"I _did_ ," she admitted as she gave him a side-Long glare.

"Sorry."

She glanced at him again and frowned.

"You didn't bring your sword," she commented softly. He wrinkled his nose and shrugged.

"Haven't really been carrying it around the house. Slipped my mind," he admitted before Kagome stopped and yanked on his hand.

"I think you need to start carrying it again," she opined thoughtfully as the scent of anger finally faded, "Maybe that's part of the problem."

His face fell at the reminder of how much a mess he was right now.

"S'not like I'm turning into a full demon," InuYasha argued as he began to fidget and she shook her head.

"It balances you, right?" she pointed out as she tapped a finger against her lips, "I think you can agree that you probably need some balancing right now. It might help or it might not. Who knows? I don't."

"I think I just need to get out more," he began slowly before clearing his throat, "This helped."

"I'm glad," she hummed before glancing around, "Why don't I go home and get changed and maybe we can eat out tonight? You know you. Me. _Food_."

"I'd like that. I'd like that a lot."


	9. Cause Inside I Realize

* * *

Inuyasha sprawled out on the bed and watched Kagome flit back and forth getting ready for their evening out. It was amusing to see how much effort she was putting into this. In his opinion, she was more beautiful without all the liquid and powders she was insisting on applying but even when he said as much she didn't believe him. Why she didn't believe him was a mystery as she had never worn that stuff during their quest, hadn't worn it the entire time he'd been here and he clearly had no issue with her natural appearance. Sighing, Inuyasha decided if she was really going to take so long, he might as well air out his cramped ears and reached up to remove the bandana before pausing and chewing his bottom lip.

"I showed the merchant my ears," he muttered barely loud enough for her to hear and she froze. Whipping her head towards him and, in the process, dragging her liquid eyeliner sloppily alongside her face. Not that she noticed.

"You did what now?" Kagome asked as her sapphire eyes widened in mild horror. He sighed shakily and blushed, "I said I showed the woman my ears. She wouldn't cut my hair unless I removed the covering so..."

"What...what did she say?" Kagome asked as she furrowed her brow in concern, "What did _you_ say?"

"I told her the truth," Inuyasha replied vaguely before he cleared his throat and began playing lazily with a thread in the comforter, "She said I was still good looking and then she cut my hair."

"The truth," Kagome repeated skeptically, "What did you actually say? I doubt you said oh hi I'm a half-demon who needs a trim."

"It'll upset you if I repeat it," he admitted quietly as he continued to pluck at the thread and avoided direct eye contact.

"I won't get upset," Kagome sighed as she set down the small bottle and move to kneel in front of him. He glanced at her and snorted.

"You've got something right there," he teased as he ran his finger underneath the jagged smeared line and she groaned before giving him a knowing look.

"Nice try. What did you say?" she pressed and he shrugged.

"I told her the truth," he insisted before adding with a crinkle of his nose, "Okay, I said I had a deformity."

"That's not the truth Inuyasha," Kagome chided as she rolled her eyes and moved back to her vanity, "You're not deformed. You're part demon. There's a difference."

"Have you ever seen a demon with my ears?" Inuyasha questioned softly as he sent her a patient look, "Or a human with my ears?"

"Demons come in all shapes in sizes," Kagome pointed out as she picked up a make-up removing cloth and began wiping away the mistake, "As do humans. That doesn't make you _deformed_."

He nodded as though that made sense and for a while there was a companionable silence as Kagome continued getting ready.

"I..." he paused and plucked at the thread, "I might've also told her you were my wife."

Kagome's lips twitched upwards as she sent him an adoring look that seemed to relieve some of the sadness touching his eyes.

"I am your wife," she cooed happily and for some reason, he seemed relieved.

"So I can tell people that," he stated more than asked, "That we're married I mean. Even...even if its not true."

"You can tell the world Inuyasha," Kagome hummed affirmatively as she picked up a small bottle of foundation and began dabbing a little on her face.

"You said your shrine could do a ceremony," he began hesitantly as he began plucking at the thread again, "Do you _want_ to do that?"

"Do you?" Kagome asked as she began blending and tilted her neck to make sure she didn't get lines.

"I...I think so," he replied honestly as he glanced up at her before turning his focus back onto the thread, "I'd like something more official. Makes me feel like I'm lying otherwise."

"Then we'll do that. We'll go tomorrow to see my family and pick a date," Kagome giggled before adding wryly in a completely too amused yet slightly irked tone, "I still can't believe you showed that woman your ears."

"She isn't going to say anything, Kagome," Inuyasha replied in a tired voice that had her freezing in confusion. That hadn't been her intent at all. He pressed his palms over his eyes and groaned, "I know you want me to stay hidden. I know it was _stupid_. You don't have to rub it in, okay?"

"What?" she blurted as she quickly turned to face him, "That wasn't why I...I just think its kinda funn..."

"Oh please, everything you bought is to make sure what I am stays a secret. If I said I wanted to go out without a hat on, you'd flip a shit. Don't lie," Inuyasha groaned in frustration before more depression and panic induced word vomit spilled out, "I'm a _freak_ here. I don't _exist_ here. I don't _belong_ here. You've made that _crystal_ clear."

"Inuyasha stop. That isn't what I..." Kagome protested but he was too far gone to listen.

"You know, I _actually_ thought this was going to be fine," he continued heatedly, "I thought finding you again would be the hard part but _boy_ was I wrong. I can't do anything right. What an idiot I am. I thought you'd be proud of me. Actually believed you'd be proud of me for figuring out how to do something on my own but I _fucked_ that up too."

"Stop," Kagome ordered a little more firmly as she turned to face him, "Where is this coming from? I am proud of you. I'm happy you're here."

"Bullshit," he hissed as he suddenly shot up into a sitting position, "Admit it. Me being here is a mistake. All of this you've done has been fucking _wasted_ on me. I can't even go out in public with you without hiding who I am. And you know this! You _want_ me to hide. Ashamed of the half-breed bastard who makes your life miserable. You _want_..."

Kagome winced before closing her eyes in pain.

"Sit," she whispered before flinching when she heard him crash against the bed muttering curses all the way. Slowly making her way over to him, ignoring the look of utter betrayal and look in his eyes, she gently cupped his cheek and shook her head.

"I don't know what started this but you being here isn't a mistake," she murmured affectionately, albeit a little sadly, "If you want to go out without a hat, I won't stop you. If you want to show more people your ears, I won't stop you. Will I be afraid for you? _Yes_. I don't know what happened to demons. I don't know why they aren't around anymore. Not knowing makes me afraid there might be someone or something out there that might hurt you and take you away from me. So yes, I'll be afraid but it isn't because I'm ashamed of you. It's because I _love_ you."

Inuyasha's nostrils flared as he continued to glare up at her.

"You _know_ I've never thought any differently of you," Kagome continued as she gently reached up and began stroking his ear, "You _know_ I love you. I _know_ this is hard. I did all of this to try and make it easier for you because I _knew_ it would be hard. I wanted so badly to make it to the feudal era because that would've been so much _easier_."

"I can't _believe_ you sat me," he hissed as he narrowed his eyes in silent accusation. Kagome sighed heavily and pulled back.

"Inuyasha I don't know what you want me to say," she sighed as turned away and began putting away her makeup, "I don't know _what_ to say. What to do."

She paused and let out a shuddering breath before adding softly, "You don't seem happy here. I love you but...but I don't want you to feel trapped. I _want_ you to be _happy_. If you want to go back..."

Those words hit him like a ton of bricks instantly vaporizing the unnecessary anger that had been welling in his gut. The scent of her sadness and pain burned his nose and sent him spiraling into a mild panic.

"No. No. No. No. No," he breathed as his heart began racing. The second the spell released him he rushed to her and pulled her into his arms, "I didn't mean...I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't."

If anything, the scent of sadness and pain increased as she wrapped her arms around him. Suffocating. Consuming.

"I'm sorry," he managed hoarsely as he buried his nose into her hair, "I'm so sorry. I'm just...I'm just tired, okay? I'm just tired. And I say stupid shit. You know I do. I just...I'm sorry."

 _'Fuck. What is wrong with me?'_ Kagome thought miserably as she closed her eyes in pain and pressed her cheek over his racing heart. Her mind was getting whiplash trying to keep up with his radical emotional swings. He only got triggered because she made that _stupid_ comment and then she'd followed _that_ up with the exact wrong thing to say all things considered. Suggesting he go back was probably the dumbest thing she could have possibly said but she felt frustrated and lost and...and she wanted him to be _happy_. She wanted him to be the man she knew. The man she remembered. And he just... _wasn't_.

Not right now anyway.

The thing was...that man was still in there. Yes, people change but this was something else entirely. He was just a little lost in the weeds. No matter how much he might be struggling, this man was still her Inuyasha. And she would never abandon him when he needed her most.

Might get him a therapist though. _And_ probably a psychiatrist.

 _But_ that was a conversation for a different day.

"Inuyasha stop apologizing," Kagome demanded gently as she passively rubbed her hand up and down his back, "It's alright."

"Don't leave me," he begged as he held her so tightly it hurt, " _Please_ don't leave me. I'll do better. I swear I will fucking do better."

"I'm not going to leave you," Kagome soothed with a heavy sigh, "Relax Inuyasha. Just breathe."

"I love you," he whispered in a small voice before inhaling deeply and letting out a shuddering breath.

"I love you too," she comforted. She began swaying slightly and soon he followed suit with her still in his arms. The motion seemed to calm him and his vice grip on her slowly relaxed. Focusing on his heartbeat, Kagome tried to think back to their quest. For signs that this had been an issue, although clearly not as severe, back then. Surely, this wasn't something new. He always seemed so confident. So smug.

Except when Kikyo was involved. Or at least, when she _assumed_ he was thinking of Kikyo. She paused her movements as images of him staring off into space, and scowling to himself in a corner pushed their way forward. The strangely despondent look on his face sometimes when they were idle and had no leads. He rarely smiled. _Never_ laughed. Seemed permanently angry at the world. Confided in her that he had always felt alone in the world. Had he been struggling with this back then?

"Do you..." he began hesitantly as he rested his chin atop her head, "Do you still want to go have food?"

She wanted to ask if he was feeling up to it but thought better of asking.

"Are you hungry?" she asked instead as she pulled back to look at his face and he seemed to be reading her reaction just as intently. His face fell as he found whatever it was he was looking for and he released her.

"I could eat," he finally replied as he gave her a somewhat strained smile and scratched the back of his neck, "I'm okay Kagome. I'm fine. Just...just a little tired is all."

She wanted to point out how utterly not okay he was but again, decided against that too.

"Do you want ramen?" she asked and she was surprised when he shook his head.

"I want something different," he admitted quietly before appearing to think very hard, "What is something people like in this time?"

An idea occurred to Kagome and she smiled softly.

"Know what? Let's do something fun," she offered as she gave him a reassuring smile and he seemed to perk up some at her tone, "Would you be up to learning what young adults do on a weekend?"

He smiled shyly and nodded.


	10. That I’m The One Confused

InuYasha breathed a tired sigh of relief when they got into the elevator and immediately took off his shoes one by one using his feet to do so. It honestly hadn't been too bad although the music had possibly damaged his hearing and he definitely wouldn't call it _fun._ It was...

_Strange._

Yes, most definitely weird. No one paid much attention to him except for the two or three women who had actually seemed to find him _attractive_ of all things. The undeniable scent of arousal when they looked at him both thrilling and off putting. He was just a guy to them. _Normal_. InuYasha wasn't sure how he felt about it. It felt nice but also wrong.A part of him wished they would've just gone to dinner. Exhausting didn't even begin to cover this misadventure. Ultimately he'd almost clung to Kagome as they wandered around the various bars on the street doing what Kagome called ' _bar hopping'._ Shadowing her a little too closely as she pushed through the overwhelming multitudes of people.

His usually, okay historically courageous mind wasn't quite as brave as he wanted it to be. In a sea of strangers, the only voice he could head was the one in his brain whispering he wasn't good enough to be here. Half-wondering whether those drunken idiots knew or could tell he was new to this experience. To this world. Kagome, bless her heart, had tried to get him to pay for one of their drinks using the currency he still wasn't confident using and his hands had literally trembled as he clumsily counted out the bills. He choked on whatever concoction Kagome had ordered and he'd stuck firmly to water after that. It had been a nightmare but he thought he hid his discomfort pretty well. At least, Kagome hadn't seemed to notice how he was a hair away from losing his ever loving mind and for that he was grateful. She was having fun. Appeared thrilled even that he was there with her.

"Hey," she whispered affectionately as she reached up to remove his bandana and began gently massaging his ear. He sighed and leaned into her touch.

"You okay?" the former miko asked a little nervously and he shrugged. He would not tell her that was hell. He wouldn't do it. He wanted to prove to her he was flexible. It was a lie but he felt the need to pretend in either case. Fear of losing her was holding him back but deep down, he knew he was only biding his time.

The elevator door opened and she quickly ushered him into their apartment before gently closing the door behind her.

"You're not okay," she opined calmly and he tensed with wide, frightened eyes.

"No, no, You're..." Kagome backpedaled desperately when his breath began to come out in short controlled pants, "I just meant that you seem, uh..."

Her heart sank as she realized she honestly was doing a terrible, terrible job at handling whatever was happening. She was usually so good at helping people. At being kind and friendly and generous and inclusive but...but she'd been...

Yeah, she had no idea what she was doing here. None. Her brilliant idea of doing something she considered fun and relaxing had only seemed to fuel whatever beast was raging inside him. His cold sweat and glazed over eyes telling her they needed to go but every time she tried to say ' _hey let's go'_ he insisted they stay until she finally fell back on old faithful and lied and said her feet hurt and she needed to go home thinking she was giving him a way out that wasn't about him. It had worked and then she thought maybe she'd address the elephant in the room when they got home and now...

God, he looked like he thought she was going to reach into his chest and rip his heart out. She wanted to cry but she refused to make this situation worse by shedding tears.

"You seem hungry," she tried with a very forced smile before adding, "I'm hungry too."

The tension in his muscles lessened slightly before he cleared his throat and shook his head.

"I could make you something but I'm not hungry," he offered hesistantly before giving her a very forced smiled and scratching the back of his neck, "I think I can figure that out. What do you want?"

Kagome's lips twitched upwards even as the mental image of their apartment burning down flashed through her mind.

"Eggs?" she asked after deciding that was probably the easiest thing for him to make. He gave her a patient look as the remaining tension seemed to seep out of him.

"I know you woman," he replied knowingly as he rolled his eyes and moved towards the kitchen, "You like your eggs to be sweet. You won't like how I make them."

"How do you make them?" Kagome asked curiously as she followed him, "I've never seen you cook before."

"I don't make them _sweet_ ," he sighed as he opened the fridge and sniffed a few times before grabbing the butter, and the egg carton.

"But if you show me how you like them maybe I can learn," he offered as he glanced over at her and smiled, _genuinely_ smiled, and Kagome wanted to melt before he added playfully, " _Maybe_."

For a moment, a perfect moment, it was everything Kagome had dreamed of these past six years. They cooked together and laughed and it was all things good and pure and filled with love. He teased her about being addicted to sugar as she showed him how she liked it. He made two batches and then told her to close her eyes and they were going to see which one she liked best.

To her horror, she actually liked the simple way he did it better and the smug look he gave her said it all.

It wasn't until they were kissing and making their way to the bedroom that it occurred to her that she hadn't seen him eat anything all day.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mama eyed InuYasha speculatively as she went about preparing dinner. Reading his body language as Kagome left to retrieve Gramps from the shed. He was tense and seemed to be focusing all his senses on her location. His breath somewhat shaky as he closed his eyes and seemed to fight against himself.

"InuYasha, will you help me get lunch ready?" Mama hummed as though nothing was happening and he turned to look at her, "I have some vegetables over on the counter. Would you mind cutting them up, dear?"

He nodded once although the subtle nervous glance at the door did not go beyond her notice. Based on what she remembered, the poor boy always seemed rather agitated whenever Kagome was gone too long. It had always struck her as somewhat sad. While Kagome had insisted it was his desire to continue their quest, Mama had always been sure that there was more to his constant borderline stalking than just jewel shards. He had wanted to be wherever Kagome had been at all times. Going as far as to regularly follow her to school or around the city. There had been several times when she'd seen him come through the well only to have Kagome insist she hadn't seen him for several days. The boy loved her daughter, yes, that much had always been clear but she had a feeling, a motherly instinct, that there was some underlying fear there as well.

InuYasha got up and headed towards the vegetables. Mama held out a small knife and smiled kindly.

"Just cut them into slices," she instructed and he nodded and began doing just that.

"Have you been adjusting well?" Mama asked as she glanced at the boy whose hand paused for a moment before he began cutting again.

"It's been fine," he replied emotionlessly. Mama could tell it hadn't been.

"I'm glad to hear that. I know when I first moved to Tokyo, I had a very hard time getting used to everything," she began and InuYasha furrowed his brow wondering where she was going with this, "I came from a small town. Barely more than a few hundred people. I had a hard time adjusting to life in a big city."

"Did you?" he asked quietly after a moment, "What did you do?"

Mama smiled secretly to herself and continued as though she didn't suspect anything was amiss.

"Oh, I talked to someone at my school," she replied with a soft laugh, "A counselor. They suggested a few things to help lessen the stress. Meditation being one of them and actually, that's how I ended up meeting Kagome's father."

"Meditating," InuYasha repeated with a small thoughtful smile, "And that helped?"

"Sometimes," Mama replied as she began filling a pot with water, "She also suggested exercise but I hate running with a passion. I much preferred something stationary."

InuYasha looked somewhat hopeful as he set aside the carrots and began slicing a cucumber. Mama continued on without missing a beat.

"Listen to me just going on," she laughed softly, "You don't want to hear about all that."

"I.." he cleared his throat, "I don't mind. You can keep going."

"Well it must sound so silly but it helped to talk," she hummed as she moved the pot to the stove, "I had to learn how to live in a big city and I felt so scared sometimes. One time I got so frightened in the subway, I ended up crying in the bathroom for hours. I don't miss those times. I don't miss them at all."

InuYasha furrowed his brow as his slices slowed.

"So this counselor person helped with that," he asked indifferently as he glanced at her.

"I must be boring you with my story," Mama laughed softly as she moved to the refrigerador and took out a small package. Closing the door behind her, she offered him an apologetic smile.

"No, you're fine," he replied as he kept his face turned towards the vegetables, "Do a lot of people see counselors?"

"Oh yes, it's very common. More now than it used to be," Mama hummed as she placed the package on the counter with a soft laugh, "Back then, it wasn't as common but things, for me, were getting too hard and my desire to finish school outweighed whatever embarrassment I felt. And I'll admit I _was_ embarrassed the first few times I went. I may seem very open now but when I was young I was very reserved. Listen to me rambling on when there's food that needs to be on the table. Can you rinse those vegetables off and put some of those noddles into the pot?"

As Inuyasha moved and began inspecting the strange stick-like tan noodles, Gramps burst through the door.

"Young whipper snapper you have returned," Gramps proclaimed as he entered the kitchen and gave the boy an appraising, disapproving look, "Am I to understand that you have been living with my daughter without you two being wed?"

Kagome's eyes widened in horror as her eyes snapped up to Inuyasha's face to gauge his reaction. For a moment, his face fell and he clearly didn't know what to say, which was Gramp's first clue that he perhaps had unwittingly stumbled into a sore spot. The second was when the old man looked at Kagome who was staring at the young man like she thought he might break.

"Well of course I will be honored to perform the ceremony," he interjected then as he moved forward and embraced the boy, "You have done so much for my granddaughter all those years and you did your job of returning her safe admirably. Come with me. Come with me. I'll need your help getting down some of the boxes. Why I believe I have some trinkets from your time boy that I think you'll appreciate..."

As Gramps ushered a very panicked looking InuYasha out of the room with him sending Kagome a 'woman help me' glare, Kagome sent him an apologetic grimace and waited until she was sure they were far enough away before rushing to the radio turning it on and turning on the stove fan as her mother watched on.

"Kagome dear..."

"I need your help," Kagome breathed barely above a whisper, "I don't know what to do and everything I do makes it worse. I'm messing up, Mama. I'm messing up and I need..."

"He isn't adjusting well I take it," the elder Higuarashi woman hummed knowingly and Kagome ran her hands through her hair with an exasperated, worried look.

"You have _no_ idea," Kagome laughed shakily before groaning and burying her face in her hands, "And I can't take him to a _doctor_ but he's so sad and panicked all the time. I don't..."

"First things first, I imagine he can tell you're upset at him," Mama soothed wisely as she guided Kagome to sit down, "You need to be patient with him. Take things slowly. You always adjust so well and are able to take change in stride but not everyone is like you."

"I took him _bar hopping_ ," Kagome groaned miserably as she leaned down and repeatedly beat her forehead against the table, "And like two days in I suggested he go home if he wasn't happy here and...ugh I'm the _worst_. I'm _literally_ the _worst_. I have no idea what I'm doing."

Mama looked torn between chastising her daughter for such a thoughtless thing to say and trying to be supportive.

"You need to do _research_ sweetheart," Mama suggested with a soft sigh, "And perhaps..."

"He hasn't been eating either," Kagome added softly, "I thought...he looks much thinner and I though maybe it was because he was more mature but now...I don't think he's been _eating_."

"Everyone handles tragedy differently," Mama opined as she gave her daughter a sympathetic smile, "My father suffered terrible PTSD after the war, although they didn't have a name for it back then. And I suffered from depression after your father died. The mind can be cruel. The important thing is to show him how much you love him without pressuring him. Let him take the lead. Just be patient with him sweetheart."

"Its hard..." Kagome sighed miserably before glancing towards the door and quickly composing herself. Mama bit her lip. Her daughter was many things. She loved taking charge, finding a quick solution and pushing herself and others. While good for so many situations, to say that Kagome was equipped to handle this new challenge would be misguided at best.

"Well InuYasha has chosen this upcoming weekend for the ceremony," Gramps announced happily and InuYasha himself gave the old man a somewhat exasperated look.

"To be fair, he asked for this evening but I felt that was much too soon," Gramps amended under the chiding glare.

"I'm ready whenever he is," Kagome tried as she gave the hanyou a warm smile, "Why can't we do it tonight?"

"Because neither of you have the traditional garments! There is no time to..." Gramps began to argue in his usual fashion before Mama interrupted.

"I still have our wedding clothes," Mama offered and Gramps immediately became quiet, "And I'll go to the store to get whatever else we'll need."

As Gramps and Mama began planning this last minute affair, InuYasha seemed to be trying to read Kagome's reaction. He wanted to get married to her as soon as possible. To have a bit of normalcy in their strange new life together which had thus far been comprised of him being a whiny little _bitch_. She seemed to be doing the same to him and so he crossed the distance and tugged on her hand to indicate she should follow him outside.

"If it's too soon, just tell me," he whispered as he guided her towards the sacred tree, "I can wait another week if you want."

"No, tonight is perfect," Kagome hummed as she squeezed his hand before releasing it and wrapping her arm around his waist and squeezing, "I can't wait to get married to you."

InuYasha smiled as he rested his cheek atop her head and squeezed back.

"I love you," he chuckled softly before sighing and releasing her, "I know...I know I haven't been...well I'm going to do better, okay? I promise I'm going to do better."

"I'll do better too," Kagome hummed unsure of what else to say before clearing her throat and averting her eyes, "Things don't always go how we think they will but..."

InuYasha looked worried and confused and opened his mouth to argue but Kagome gave him a look that had him closing his mouth.

"Marriage is about two people becoming one," she continued vaguely, "Each day is a new adventure, with new challenges, but the good part is neither of us are ever going to be alone again. Ever. Whatever happens, we deal with it together."

InuYasha searched her eyes for a moment as he tried to read what she was saying through her eyes before seeming to relax as he offered her a shy smile.

"Always," he agreed as he pulled her close and kissed her forehead. Kagome hummed and pulled back just enough to kiss his lips.

"Kagome! Inuyasha! Lunch is ready!"

Kagome laughed as she glanced towards the house and then at Inuyasha.

"Are you hungry?" she asked and he gave her a curious, calculating look that faded as quickly as it came and he shrugged.

"I could eat. Not that hungry though to be honest," he sighed as he took her hand and Kagome tried to plaster a smile on her face.

"What is Mama making anyway?" she asked and Inuyasha laughed softly before sniffing a few times.

"No idea," he admitted before he amended, "Or at least I don't know what it's called. The red cow meat. She's made it before I think."

"Steak," Kagome offered before giggling, "Or beef. Depends on what part of the cow they use I think? Maybe. I don't know why they call it different things. Maybe because one is ground down and the other is like a whole piece?"

"Don't you teach children now? Shouldn't you know all the things?" he teased and Kagome humphed prettily.

"Just because I teach some of the things doesn't mean I know all of the things," Kagome clipped back with a slight pout, "I have a very _specific_ set of skills that are limited to one area of expertise."

Inuyasha gave her an appraising look as his lips twitched upwards before shrugging.

"I think I'd like to learn how to cook like your mom," he replied after a moment, "I like cooking. Not...not that I really got the chance after Mother died. She used to make all sorts of things. I'd go collect the ingredients she wanted and then we'd make things together."

Kagome paused in her step and looked up at him with a fascinated smile.

"Wasn't your Mother a princess?" Kagome asked and Inuyasha shook his head with a soft laugh, "She wasn't royalty. More...I don't know. We had money I guess? Rich merchant family. Mother wasn't supposed to cook but she liked doing it. We had our own hearth for that even."

"I'm sure Mama would love you to teach you what she knows," Kagome hummed happily before adding with a guilty shrug, "I don't really like cooking so I never paid much attention. I can cook eggs and..."

"Ah but you prefer the way _I_ cook eggs," InuYasha teased and Kagome pouted. Inuyasha's soft smirk widened into a full grin.

"I think I'll do that," he opined thoughtfully more to himself than her before adding, "You work late anyway, right? I can make dinner and stuff. So it's one less thing for you to do when you get home."

"I'd like that," Kagome sighed contentedly as she rested her cheek on his arm and squeezed his hand, "I'd like that a lot."


	11. I Don’t Know

Kagome felt a wave of relief when Inuyasha finished every last bite of his dinner and then got himself a second helping. The feeling of relief only grew after he actually said something somewhat snarky when gramps made a comment about his mixed heritage (which she could tell was in jest but which made her heart skip a beat nonetheless). After lunch, they cleaned up and the planning continued until Inuyasha abruptly stood, grabbed her hand and led her outside.

"You're really okay with becoming my wife?" he asked softly as he stopped in front of the well house. Karaoke nodded but subtly moved to stand between him and the door which she prayed he wouldn't notice. He did.

"I'm not leaving Kagome," he chuckled softly before adding somewhat nervously, "I just want to make sure you're...you're ready. I know that..."

He paused and swallowed a few times before continuing.

"I know I haven't been..." he tried, "I know I'm not the same. It's okay if you...if you don't want to marry me yet. If you want to wait. To be sure."

"I've been waiting six years," Kagome cooed reassuringly, "Nothing would make me happier."

Inuyasha breathed a sigh of relief and smiled before that half-grin faded and he began to fidget.

"I'm glad you said yes..." he admitted softly, "I wanted to get married sooner rather than later."

Kagome opened her mouth to reply but he cut her off.

"Have you noticed anything, uh, different since I came back?" he asked before amending, "With you."

The last word was emphasized in such a way that Kagome knew he expected her to react in some way and her lack of response seemed to bother him. He swallowed again and his nervous energy seemed to increase.

"I...it just didn't occur to me," he began slowly as though he wished she would just understand already, "It should have but it didn't. And I'm not...it's not that I'm against the idea but..."

He huffed exasperatedly when Kagome merely looked confused before finally coming out with it.

"Doesn't your bleeding time come around ten days after the full moon?" he finally groaned as his face flushed crimson. Kagome blinked a few times as it finally hit her what he was trying to ask.

"You knew my..." Kagome gasped in utter mortification and he gave her a patient look before he tapped his nose.

"I was aware of every change in your scent," he sighed with a roll of his eyes, "Still am. Which is why...your scent should have shifted but...but it hasn't..."

Kagome wanted to laugh in disbelief as what he was trying and failing to say finally hit her. She forced a smile on her face as her mind raced. Surely if he knew when her, oh god, when she had her monthly visit from Aunt Flo, he knew what it smelled like for someone to be pregnant. Surely he knew that scent since Sango, based on what he'd said, had birthed three children before he left. His conclusion was completely illogical. And unless he could tell he has knocked her up instantly he was wrong. So wrong. For more reasons than one.

Before responding, Kagome tried to see if she could understand this giant leap from his perspective. He relied heavily on scent. Had _apparently_ tracked her cycle during the quest which while disturbing wasn't the worst thing ever. Weird but logical. Six years later he still remembered when her time of the month had been. Well more or less. Now the question became how much exactly did he know about how babies were made. She highly doubted he'd ever had the ' _talk_ ' although he knew enough to know sex led to baby. The details though...

She needed to not be condescending. She needed to be straightforward. It was too early to know and given what she knew but had unfortunately not shared it was highly unlikely a baby was on the way unless he had Olympic grade swimmers. A part of her had, on occasion, wondered if he was sterile as many hybrids often were but that was a convo for a different day.

"You think I might be pregnant," she surmised and he nodded curtly as a blush adorned his cheeks.

"I know," he continued thickly, "I know I'm fucked up right now but...but I will be here and I'll be better by the time..."

Inuyasha sighed heavily and scratched the back of his neck. Kagome was trying to figure out what exactly to say and how to break the news to him. News she should've shared but had, unfortunately, forgotten given...well everything.

"Your mom said there was some stuff I could try," he blurted out desperately when she remined silent. Of course she would be confident in his ability to be a father. Why would she think that? He was crying like a little bitch in the fucking shower over a phone a few days ago. He couldn't even handle a little criticism. Couldn't handle anything and he lacked control over himself. How would he handle a tiny being who couldn't control themselves either? No one would think he was capable. No one.

"Not that she knows..." he explained as his insecurity increased, "We were just talking and she...I don't think she knows. She just...it doesn't matter. The point is that I'm...well I'm just saying you don't need to worry about that...if you are, ya know, I'll do whatever I need to do to not be..."

He groaned and gently pressed his palm against her stomach with a sad, broken smile. Strangely enough he wanted this. Why the hell he wanted this he honestly couldn't say. It wasn't like he was in any position to want this. He didn't deserve this. And it was too early. He knew that but just in case, he wanted her to not think...

God, he was making a fool out of himself if her expression was any indication. In any case, if it did happen now or in the future, he needed her to understand. He wanted her to know he could get himself together. Or at least believe he could even if he didn't believe it himself.

In that moment, he hated himself more than he ever had before.

"I want to be myself before...and I'll be better. I will," he sighed as he retracted his hand and fidgeted, "And I want to get married before we know for sure...I just don't want it to be a bastard more than it already will be. I mean it wasn't like my parents union could be official but I wasn't a bastard. Not really because..."

Kagome gaped at him for a moment as the word vomit continued before she began laughing. Which distressed him.

"I can't get pregnant," she explained after a moment, "And I couldn't be yet anyway because it would take more than a few..."

Oh fuck. Why had she said that? Why the hell had she laughed?! That sounded like...

"You can't get pregnant," he repeated as his face fell before he swallowed thickly, shook his head and forced a smile on his face. A strained, painful looking smile.

Ah hell.

"Well that's okay," he tried even though he looked a hair away from cracking, "More than okay. Probably better anyway. I mean just look at me. Why would...why would we damn a child to this life, huh? To be like me. Not like I wanted..."

It was clear he was struggling to cope with this new information and was completely at a loss because the one sense he could always rely upon was failing him which made Kagome's heart ache. She never expected him to want a child in the first place. He never acted like that was something on his agenda.

More than anything she wanted him to be the Inuyasha she remembered. The Inuyasha who was smug and confident and always knew what to do. That was the man she wished she was marrying today. But it wasn't.

Fuck that well. Fuck the jewel. Fuck time travel. Fuck mental illness. Fuck it all. Just fuck it.

"No, no, I'm on birth control," the former miko explained desperately before continuing when he looked miserable and confused, "They have drugs in this time to prevent a woman from becoming pregnant until she wants a baby. I just...when you did come back or I got to you I wanted some time just us."

"So it's reversible," he asked softly for clarification. She nodded and he nearly wilted in relief.

"They put the, uh, drug in my arm," she explained, "It should last a few years. Two or three more. Then it wears off and I can get another or we could start trying."

More than anything Kagome wished things were different. She wished she'd never done this and just rolled the dice if only to avoid this exact moment in time. She wished the well had just worked and they'd be in his time. Maybe he would've...maybe he'd be fine that way.

But the truth was he'd still be struggling. Just in a different way. Why was life always so cruel to him? Why did the powers that be hate him so much? He didn't deserve it. He was a good man. Their separation was just the straw that broke the camel's back so it seemed. After years of being strong, their separation had broken him. It just wasn't fair.

"If I wasn't here," he tried after a moment, "Why did you need that?"

Kagome gave him a knowing look that she intended to mean that she didn't know when he was coming back and wanted to be prepared. Unfortunately, however, that was not how he took it.

"Oh," he breathed as his chest felt tight and he struggled with how to react. It wasn't like he wanted her to be lonely those six years. That he wanted her to be as sad and broken as he had been. It made sense that she wasn't because she had found company in this time. Something he couldn't force himself to find. Not that such a thing had ever even crossed his mind. But they were getting married. It shouldn't matter to him. In the end, he won and he was getting everything he ever wanted. Things he never knew he had the right to ask for and more besides. Things he truly didn't deserve. He should be licking her feet for waiting and staying by him after what he'd been reduced to. So why did it hurt?

Kagome for her part once again felt completely lost as she watched his eyes glaze over and a myriad of emotions flash across his face. The way he began to unconsciously curl into himself even as a painful, disturbing half-grin played on his lips. Obviously meant to be reassuring but instead looked half-crazed.

"I was waiting for you," she explained finally, "I didn't know when you would come back and I wanted to be prepared."

He sighed shakily - desperately wanting to believe her but doubt and mild despair flooded his mind blocking out reason. He couldn't control his reaction no matter how hard he struggled against it. It didn't make sense that she would do something like that so long after their initial separation unless there was some other reason.

"So you got this drug recently?" he asked in a strained voice as he searched her face.

"About three years ago," she admitted casually as she tried to guess what was on his mind, "It's not that I _don't_ want a child. I just want to wait a bit."

That...wasn't the answer he was looking for nor was it the one he apparently wanted. He looked hurt of all things but was obviously trying to brush whatever it was that bothered him off. He lost that battle.

"But its been _six_ years," he finally replied with a frustrated groan before giving her a suspicious look, "Why did you wait?"

"I don't know," Kagome replied uneasily as she tried to figure out why this timeline bothered him, "It just..."

If anything he looked angry and betrayed. Like he truly believed she was keeping something from him. That she wasn't being honest.

Finally a reaction she was familiar with. Kinda. The distrust wasn't familiar but the sudden tension in the air most certainly was. A fight was about to go down.

"What do you mean you don't _know_?! There had to be _some_ reason you did it! I wasn't around so who the hell did you get it for?!" he exploded before his eyes went wide and he flinched like a dog about to be hit by a newspaper. Kagome for her part was more relieved that the secret to his strange behavior had been revealed and tried not to let that outburst offend her. Getting upset and denying it would only confirm his suspicions.

"Wait, shit I didn't...I didn't..." he mumbled miserably as he rubbed his hand angrily across his face, "I don't think you did anything dammit. I don't know why the fuck I said that. I don't..."

He went mostly silent as he tried to reign in the emotions coursing through his veins. The claws of one hand raled against his scalp as he struggled to regain the limited control he had over his mind.

Kagome watched as he huffed in frustration and fidgeted while waiting for the eruption of justified, offense driven rage he expected. In that moment, it clicked what her mother had said. Why it hadn't before she wasn't sure. Trauma, of whatsoever kind, doesn't disappear just because the events that caused it were over. The ramifications on the mind couldn't be turned off like a light switch. By ignoring it or trying to push him back into what she considered ' _normal_ ' she was doing more harm than good. By avoiding certain things or not taking the time to explain _properly_ , she was making him feel more of an outsider. Things she just figured she'd address later, if at all, were biting her in the ass. Her actions, thus far, were doing nothing except making him feel like he needed to hide how much he was struggling and essentially backing him into a corner. Which made him lash out and subsequently panic for doing the very thing he had always done. Made him miserable and clearly afraid which he obviously couldn't handle. He didn't feel free to speak his mind or ask questions about things he had a _right_ to know. No amount of trying to understand or trying to ' _fix it'_ or defensive knee jerk reactions on her part would do any good. They'd just make whatever this was worse. She couldn't just slap a bandage on his wounded soul and call it a day, which is essentially what she had been trying to do thus far. He needed her to be the one in control, the one to stay calm because his whole world was spinning out from under him. _She_ was the one who needed to be...

 _Better_.

"Look at me," she murmured affectionately as she reached up and cupped his cheek. Self-conscious, fearful amber eyes met her sapphire and she gave him a reassuring smile as she continued, "You are my one and only. There never has been and never will be anyone else for me. I did this for us. _You_ and _me_. I wanted to have time with you. _Just_ you."

"So why didn't you tell me? I asked about...about kids," he replied miserably, "And I know...just fuck Kagome. I know I don't understand shit and I know I haven't been...well just _shit_ , you could've said _something_."

Yeah she was fucking up royally here. She needed an expert. Someone to tell her what to do because clearly she was doing this wrong.

"I should have. I didn't think it was important to mention right away and that was wrong," Kagome agreed with a reassuring smile, "I'm sorry."

He seemed to relax slightly at the apology as he pulled her against him.

"You don't have to apologize," he sighed as he rested his chin atop her head, "I shouldn't have...we just gotta communicate better."

"I agree," she hummed as she squeezed him lightly and nuzzled his chest. For a moment, he just held her and breathed in her scent before he cleared his throat and asked the question he'd been wanting to know.

"Why aren't you like me?" he asked after a moment. The question sounding painful and small. There was the question she'd been dreading.

"Everyone is different," she replied after a moment as she squeezed him again and he sighed.

"You don't get it," he groaned as he pulled back and looked down at her with mournful golden eyes, "I..."

He sighed and chewed the inside of his cheek. Kagome waited patiently and focused on keeping her breathing and heart rate steady. Here he was trying so hard to be open with her. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate the effort...

She just didn't like the things he was sharing. Which felt wrong. Everything was going so wrong.

"I've always been strong," he finally continued - everything about his body language screaming discomfort, "I've never let fear or... _anything_ bother me. It's like I can't...I can't...I don't know why _this_ is different. I don't know why I'm like this. What makes _you_ so different? Why didn't being separated _bother_ you?"

He cringed at how that sounded but didn't elaborate or apologize for the question that had been gnawing away at his subconscious. His heart pounded as his eyes searched her face and prayed she'd have some type of wisdom he could employ. It truly wasn't an accusation nor did he harbor any bitterness about her resiliency. He just wanted to _know_. Whatever had happened, it was obvious to him that he'd done something _wrong_.

"It did bother me," Kagome began slowly as she tried to phrase her mental process in terms he would understand and also in a way that wouldn't set him off or make him feel worse. Which was something beyond her extremely limited experience in matters of the mind. Still, she owed it to him to at least try.

"I think what helped me," she continued just as slow, "Was that my life wasn't..."

She sighed as she tried to figure out how to explain.

"I had a lot of things to occupy my time," she tried, "I was in school. Then I got my job. I wasn't...I could focus on other things. Other challenges."

He looked slightly hurt and she groaned internally.

Here she went again doing and saying the exact wrong things. Maybe she needed to fish a little bit. He'd told her all about what happened to everyone else after she left but avoided dutifully any mention of what he'd been doing other than when it was intertwined with the others. He'd said he was sad. He'd explained that fairly well but also very vaguely. It wasn't hard to imagine how his life had been and if she was wrong, she hoped he'd correct her.

"See with you," she sighed as she pressed her cheek against his pounding heart, "You were _constantly_ surrounded by reminders of our time together. You were trying the well every three days. You were surrounded by our friends, who had moved on with their lives while you were stuck in place. _Everyone_ had a happy ending _except_ for you. There was no escape and it's completely understandable why that wore you down. Why it made you sad."

Inuyasha seemed to consider this before he began glancing around at everything but her.

"Then why..." he sighed heavily, "Then why hasn't it gone away? I got what I wanted and it's not going away."

It was still shocking how open he was being with her. He had always been so emotionally blocked off before. Never letting anyone in. He was so different. Were these type of thoughts always bouncing around in his head? Or was it because he loved her and wanted to fix the mistakes of the past? If the latter, she had to be strong. She needed to let him tell her all the things.

It had always struck her as strange that he was so willing to become human for Kikyo. Willing to trade his power and identity to be with her. She'd rationalized it as wanting to have a place to belong. Which in part was obviously true. Had it been that he thought so little of himself? Or was it that he hoped by doing so the dark thoughts would go away? She had always known he was complicated but this...

This was something she never expected. Every moment felt like her heart was getting hit by a truck leaving her with whiplash of the worst kind. He had always seemed confident and comfortable in her time. But he wasn't trapped here. Those times had been visits. Temporary. Maybe that was the difference?

 _This is still Inuyasha_ , Kagome had to tell herself as her heart sank, _He might be different but that's not his fault. He's lost and confused and hurting. After the life he has had to live, having something good happen only to have it violently taken away would make anyone crazy. Not that he's crazy...it's just...dammit..._

Maybe the solution was simple. Maybe what was happening was something common. Would go away.

"There _is_ a thing called culture shock," she finally opined, "It's very _normal_. A lot of people get it when they go to a new country or place they aren't used to. Where they don't understand how things work."

Hope lit in the depths of his eyes as he finally looked at her and waited for her to explain further. Screaming internally, Kagome realized she was probably making a mistake. This wasn't simple and she knew it. To be honest, something in her knew...

God she needed to figure out how to get him to a doctor. Soon. Very soon.

In the meantime, she might as well follow through with this train wreck of a probably wrong solution. He looked so hopeful. Like this was the answer he was looking for. She wouldn't break that spark for anything.

Which honestly was probably a mistake. Maybe she could consult someone?

"It takes time," Kagome swallowed thickly as she continued, "But eventually they learn. It just takes some getting used to."

He seemed to think about something very hard before his face relaxed and a soft smile graced his features. Kagome'd heart broke as she realized how badly she was failing him. After all the times he'd saved her life too. She couldn't even return the favor.

"Like how you were always bitching about sweating and soap and stuff," he hummed in understanding, "And always wanting to go home. Because my time was different. You got culture shock."

She wasn't going to correct him on that. What she hd been complaining about was not at all about culture shock. She rebounded from being an unwilling time traveler super quick and adjusted to her new life relatively easily. She just missed luxuries and didn't want to fail school.

Her entire being began to feel numb.

"Sorry," he laughed sheepishly as he gave her a guilty smile, "I shouldn't've been such a jerk about it then. Wish you would've said something. Might've laid off."

 _Because he's assuming that I felt like he does,_ Kagome cringed silently. It was all she could do not to cry out of frustration. No matter what she loved him so deeply. Nothing, nothing would stop that but that didn't make it hurt any less.

It made it hurt even more.

"Well I mean I did break the jewel," Kagome joked weakly, "I had to keep coming back no matter..."

"You didn't mean to break it," he interrupted quietly, "That wasn't your fault. Was more my fault than anything."

Oh god. What fresh hell was this?

"It wasn't your fault either," Kagome corrected and he pulled back with a soft sigh.

"If you don't want to get married today, just let me know, okay?" he repeated his first sentiment and Kagome blinked several times at the sudden change of subject. Back to a subject she thought they'd _already_ covered. Why...

Her mind began racing as she tried to figure out a way to get him to a therapist. A shrink. Hell she'd even take Kaede popping up from the dead at this point because she always seemed to have answers to the hard questions. She seemed to know everything. How she knew so much for someone who seemingly never left the village always baffled her. A part of her suddenly mourned the realization that she'd never get to ask.

Miroku and Sango might be able to give her some insight. They probably knew him better than she did. They'd been with him during those six years while she...

But they were gone. Everything he knew was gone. All those people they loved had died centuries ago.

As if she needed another reason to be miserable right now.

"I'm not going to change my mind if that's what you're worried about," she laughed awkwardly as she tried to keep her tone endearing and affectionate, "I love you."

"Even though I've given you a thousand reasons not to," he sighed heavily as he took her hand in his and gently ran his thumb across her palm before dropping it and kissing her cheek, "I love you too. I'm going to go for a run, okay? I'll be back a little later."

Nodding slowly, Kagome watched numbly as he gave her a somewhat strained smile and he took off. In his modern garb that really probably wasn't suited for him. This life wasn't suited for him.

It was a short distance away that he managed to kick off his sneakers with a visible blush.

" _Damn things,"_ he muttered under his breath before he gave Kagome a guilty looking shrug and took off into the distance.

"Shit," Kagome breathed as she watched him gracefully scale the building across the street and dash across the rooftops towards their apartment. She didn't deserve him.

And for the first time, she hated the well. Truly and fully hated it.


	12. What’s Worth Fighting For?

Sighing heavily, Inuyasha crouched down on the edge of the rooftop overlooking Kagome's old school. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Back in a time when he was confident and sure of himself. When he hated the world - himself included - for being born the way he had been. A time fraught with the danger, constant battles and almost certain death. A simpler time. Filled with the familiar.

It wasn't...

It wasn't that he wanted to go back to a time before the jewel was destroyed and Naraku was defeated. He was glad the bastard was dead and the damn thing was gone. What he missed was who he had been during those times. A smug asshole who didn't let anyone look down on him. In so many ways he was grieving. Mourning the loss of all that hard-earned respect and strength that had gotten him this far. To be completely honest, he missed a time when he could look at his reflection and not see a stranger looking back.

It would've been the same if he'd turned human for Kikyo. Back then he didn't know - how _could_ he? - how miserable he'd be. For all intents and purposes, in this time, he was living an ordinary human life. There were no more battles. No more enemies. Just the mundane day to day tasks that millions were doing everyday. There was nothing special about him anymore.

That was what he missed the most. An echo of that feeling of invincibility washing over him in waves. A fragment against ruins.

A treacherous part of him hoped Kagome changed her mind about getting married. About staying together. Would let him go back to the only world he knew. He wasn't happy here. Wasn't himself here. But to be honest, he hadn't felt like himself in quite some time. The only thing that had changed was the location.

The question, then, became if he wasn't happy being with her, here in this strange land, then what the hell was he still doing here? There was quite literally no place for him in this world except a false one Kagome had tried to carve out of stone. At least at home he _existed_. Not that it was a good existence but it was an existence that existed. That was something.

Here he was nothing.

Running his claws across his scalp, he sighed heavily and stared down at the large school building. What happened to him? He used to be so confident. In retrospect, however, it was obvious he was a complete idiot. A moron. A joke. Handled everything wrong. Like that festival thing she'd been a part of. Sure there had been demons but that didn't mean he could just go galavanting about with his sword in broad daylight and blowing the roof off buildings. In front of _hundreds_ of people. He cringed at the memories that followed. Of him sniffing floors and being blissfully unaware he was ignorant. Like thinking cars were demons and _growling_ at them. Or leaping from the tops of buildings onto the ground. Attacking playthings. Which he knew what balls were dammit! Why had he done that?! Grabbed it like an idiot, popped it and stomped on it like that actually made sense. What was he? _Five_?!

Sighing heavily, he folded his arms across his chest and shook his head. It was a miracle Kagome loved him after all of that. Or maybe she thought it was funny he didn't understand. Maybe she liked that he was an idiot. That would explain a lot actually. She thought he was a moron. Not an animal of low intelligence per se but definitely not _smart_. Given her stubbornness and take charge atttitude, maybe she wanted a man she could control.

And here came a dog with a collar.

Shuddering slightly, he rolled his eyes and scowled. That wasn't a fair thing to think. Kagome didn't want to control him. She'd spent all her time making it clear she loved him for who he was. Bad attitude and jackassery included. Above all things, Kagome was understanding.

Damn his mind. It was causing such problems.

Sighing again, he watched a few straggling teenagers walk down below chittering about various things. A boy one was seeing and a new shop that was having a sale. The latter made no sense to him. Wasn't that the point of a store? To sell things? What was so interesting about something they did by definition?

Inuyasha cricked his neck and huffed once. There was probably something different about whatever they were talking about and he just didn't understand. What else was new?

But back to the issue at hand.

As much as he loved Kagome, a piece of him knew that any union they entered into was doomed to fail. Why would someone want to be with someone whose two halves equaled nothing? A nothing that somehow managed to shatter into a thousand shards?

Clawed fingers reached down to pluck a loose piece of cement and mindlessly tossed it into the distance. Another piece of him wanted to stay here forever because being by Kagome's side was the only place he truly ever felt he belonged. But that place was temporary. She was still human. She would still die _long_ before he even reached middle age. And there was just nothing he could do about it. No matter what he did, it only delayed the inevitable. Stay here and watch the love of his life slowly die before his eyes or return home and watch all his friends die slowly before his eyes. End result? Everyone's dead and he's alone.

For the first time in his life, he wished his mother had done as so many had said. He wished that she would've just drowned him at birth so he wouldn't be sitting here now feeling like he felt.

Glaring at the distant sunset, he tried to weigh his options. One, he stay here with Kagome who would struggle with his brokenness her whole life or, at the very least, until she got fed up with him. There would be moments here and there that would make that life worthwhile. He would be loved both emotionally and physically. At least for a time.

The other option was to go through the well and fall back into his old life. There he'd be amongst friends. Friends who'd be disappointed in him and likely feel negatively towards Kagome for things that were not her fault. Somehow blaming her for his return when it was his choice. Or they'd blame him and their friendship would be forever broken.

The third option was the most unlikely. Long, _long_ ago when mother first died Myouga had been muttering about how it was impossible for his mother to have died from something as trivial as illness. That she and his father had been connected in some way that should have prevented such a thing. But it didn't matter what they did or didn't do. Mother died anyway.

Still, that meant it was theoretically possible to tie Kagome in such a way that she'd live as long as him. How he hadn't the faintest clue. Maybe he just needed to look into things. Kagome's world had the answers for nearly every question. Could it be possible it was written somewhere? With his luck it wouldn't be. Demons didn't exist here. No one believed in them. Why would that type of knowledge be kept for beings who were only in storybooks?

Inuyasha sighed heavily as he reached down and grabbed another chuck of cement. Fingering it in his palm, he set his jaw and closed his eyes. To be honest, he didn't want to marry Kagome right now but he also didn't want to leave her either. Where that left their relationship he wasn't sure. Especially because it was his bright idea to get married as soon as possible.

The more he thought about it, he didn't actually know her all that well and she didn't know him either. Their relationship based on their adventures during the quest. Her father wasn't around and he'd never even asked her about it. He'd never asked her anything...

And he'd never answered the questions she had asked him.

Chucking the piece of rubble as far as he could flick, he let his hand drop onto his knee and sighed. Maybe he was thinking too hard. Making things too complicated. Assuming the worst. It was entirely possible that there was a way to never be alone again. That had always been part of the reason he kept pushing her away. Towards the end, or really around the middle, when he had gone to Kikyo's side it had been for the sole purpose of hurting Kagome. To make her stop loving him. Yeah he knew. How he knew he couldn't say but he knew for a long time. Just like he knew he loved her too. At the time it had been a problem. An unnecessary complication. He'd always known she'd be ripped out of his life one way or another.

And he'd been right. If only being right made it less painful.

Whatever he needed to do he'd need to do it soon. What he wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep forever so he didn't have to think anymore. What he probably should do is make an effort to get to know the woman he was supposed to be marrying instead of hiding on top of buildings and crying like a little bitch all the time.

But he was never good with words. It took him a while to come up with exactly what he wanted to say and because of that, when he was put on the spot, a bunch of horse shit usually came out.

Staring despondently down at the school courtyard, he saw a young boy plop down on a swing and pull out a small book. Everyone in this damn era seemed to...

He blinked a few times and furrowed his brow.

What if he wrote out what he wanted to say? Put his life onto parchment so it would be exactly what he was thinking. Well mostly anyway. He was rusty but his mother had spent countless hours forcing him to learn to read and write.

Inuyasha swallowed thickly.

Maybe by doing that the answer to all of this might be a little clearer. A small detail he'd all but forgotten magically appearing. Even if he didn't see it, Kagome might. And maybe she'd be able to understand exactly what was wrong with him and then she'd find the answer to that too.

A ghost of a smile played on his lips as he watched the small boy begin to lazily swing.

That was it.

This was the way.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Letting out a shuddering sigh, Kagome clicked yet another link and began to read. Thank god for the internet. If it existed, there was a page dedicated to it. And porn of it too. After all, wasn't that the 34th rule of the internet?

Kagome chuckled morbidly at the random thought and continued to read a less than helpful page about handling a loved one with depression. The vague advice damn near useless and endlessly frustrating.

Let them know it's a medical condition and not a personal flaw. Tell them you're concerned and want to help. Make sure they're eating. All well intentioned advice but vague enough to cause problems. She wanted examples. She wanted to know exactly what to say.

The advice for PTSD was even more useless.

Do something ' _normal_ ' with your partner. Well when ' _normal_ ' consisted of fighting demons that didn't exist anymore with a mythical sword and some arrows that was a little difficult.

Give them time to express themselves. Don't pressure them. Allow them to be upset. Don't dismiss their experience. Which was all fine and dandy except when the person was _forcing_ themselves to talk to you and then talking to you only made them more upset.

And a part of her was worried that saying anything to him would send him spiraling. Being with him these psst few days felt like walking on thin ice that was cracking beneath her feet. A single misstep would plunge her into dangerous water.

Sighing, she went back to the google search results and clicked on another link before jumping when she heard the door open and closing the browser.

"Sorry for taking so long," came Inuyasha's tired sounding voice quickly followed by the man himself. Walking over to her, he kissed her cheek before crouching down in front of her and looking deadly serious.

"I don't want to get married today," he informed her bluntly and Kagome's heart skipped a beat while the color drained from her face.

"O-okay?"

"When I marry you I want you to know exactly who you're marrying," he elaborated as amber eyes searched her face, "And I want to make sure this isn't a mistake. That this won't be something either of us regret."

Kagome's heart broke and she managed to nod faintly with a bizarre broken smile on her face. Inuyasha looked somewhat lost and miserable as he took in her expression but continued.

"I do love you. If that's what you're worried about," he muttered awkwardly, "But I know you know I'm fucked up right now. And if I stay, I want to make sure that..."

" _If_ you stay," Kagome breathed as her bizarre strangled smile faltered. Inuyasha sighed heavily and averted his gaze.

"I know I don't belong here. And I think you know that too."

"So..."

"And you don't know me. Not really. And I don't know you. We...dammit...we love each other because of...because of the quest and what we did but there is so much we don't know," he groaned as he tried to choose his words carefully, "And before we get married I think we both need to know each other better is all."

"Okay."

Her voice sounded so hoarse. He noticed this as well.

"There'll be some things about me you won't like," he warned, "I did a lot of shit before we met."

Kagome tried to look reassuring and he shook his head.

"Don't look like that," he demanded softly as he closed his eyes in pain, "I'm not leaving you...right now."

The way he hesitated had her heart plummeting into her stomach.

"I just think we need more time," he sighed as he scratched the back of his neck, "And you got a right to know about my life before you make a decision."

"I..."

Kagome had absolutely no idea what to say. It was blatantly obvious he intended to leave eventually which was the _last_ thing she wanted. Even though she'd stupidly suggested it. Whatever he was planning would be unpleasant and that was the point. He wanted to push her away. He wanted to leave.

And she couldn't even confront him about it.

"I think it's a good idea to tell each other about our lives," she managed and Inuyasha nodded once.

"I want to write it down," he told her, "You...you might have to help me. Just because I can write doesn't mean it'll be good."

"Sure," the former miko replied in a small voice as she had to struggle against herself so she didn't start begging for him to change his mind and stay with her. He glanced at her and then gave her his full attention.

"I'm not doing this to push you away," he informed her after a long moment, "I...I want to make this work. I love you. That's...that's the only thing I'm sure of right now. I just...I just think this will help."

Kagome waited for him to continue as her stomach churned.

"There will be things that'll hurt you," he continued quietly as he inhaled deeply, "Things you have no power to change."

She chewed on her lip.

"But...but right now, all I want to do is go home," he hummed as he gave her a surprisingly warm look like he hadn't just ripped her heart out. Of course he wanted...

"Your bed is nice," he hummed again with a bit of flirtatiousness behind it as he got to his feet and held out his hand, "Even nicer when you're in it."

Oh this emotional whiplash was starting to weigh on her. What on earth was she supposed to do?


	13. Or Why I Have To Scream

Letting out a long sigh, Inuyasha closed his eyes and tried to ignore the sweltering heat. Beads of sweat trickled down his forehead and his already heavy mane was weighed down with moisture. His top had been the first to go followed by every layer beneath his hakama in a desperate attempt to cool off but even that wasn't working.

"Inuyasha?" Miroku's voice suddenly filtered into his flushed ears, "I've just received word of an attack on a neighboring village. We're needed urgently."

Crinkling his nose and groaning, Inuyasha didn't even bother moving. Miroku knew what day it was and if there had been a messenger - which there hadn't been - he would've heard this himself.

"You're full of shit," Inuyasha breathed as he settled into an even lazier position on his favorite branch of the Sacred Tree, "Besides you know I don't do exorcisms on..."

"Lies are unbecoming on me," Miroku chuckled awkwardly as he scratched the neck of his neck, "I had hoped to discuss what needed to be said in private and away from the village. I apologize for attempting to deceive you."

Exhaling slowly, Inuyasha opened his eyes and lolled his head towards the monk.

"The fifth autumn is approaching," Miroku began hesitantly and Inuyasha tensed when he realized where this was going, "Kagome has not returned."

"That don't..."

"It does," Miroku interrupted quietly, "Kagome will not be returning Inuyasha. It is time you accept this and move on."

Blood running cold, Inuyasha opened his mouth to argue but Miroku barreled ahead.

"You are so loyal my friend," The monk continued, "Often to your detriment. When you love you are endlessly devoted and that is admirable. And yet..."

Miroku swallowed thickly and cleared his throat.

"And yet fate has not been kind," he added in a somewhat wavering tone, "Kikyo was taken from you. Kagome had been taken from you. It is not fair but what is done is done."

Inuyasha felt his stomach churn sickeningly but for the life of him, he couldn't seem to speak.

"We are _concerned_ ," Miroku continued slowly, "This past year especially you have changed. You refuse to accompany me on exorcisms regardless of day. You speak only when spoken to. You..."

The monk let out a shuddering breath.

"You are not yourself," Miroku murmured barely above a whisper, "I beg you to understand that you are not alone. There are many here with you now that love and care for you. Kagome-Sama is not here but you cannot expect her to wait for you forever. She is gone Inuyasha. We have all mourned her loss. Do not make us mourn you as well."

Inuyasha felt numb as the monk continued. Miroku's words sounding a hundred miles away while static clouded his mind.

"...move on," Miroku concluded and Inuyasha bit his lip for a moment before rolling off his branch and gracefully landing on the ground.

"Okay," he replied - his tone completely lacking emotion, "Okay then."

Miroku's eyes widened in horror and a myriad of emotions flashed across his face.

"I...I could be mistaken however," the monk amended desperately, "There is still hope. I should not..."

"No," Inuyasha sighed shakily, "No you're right. There's no point in trying the well anymore."

"That's not..." Miroku began thickly before he visibly wilted and looked hopelessly lost. Obviously deeply regretting saying anything at all.

"There is nothing wrong with trying the well," Miroku tried with a very forced smile that looked more like a cringe.

"What's the point? You're right," Inuyasha hummed as he glanced over at the location at issue, "Sango's calling you."

Miroku looked like he wanted to die on the spot as he realized that this was Inuyasha's way of trying to be alone. Given the doll like look in his eyes, however, leaving him alone was the last thing Miroku was going to do.

"She can wait," Miroku replied with what he hoped was a reassuring smile. Inuyasha shrugged and merely continued staring forlornly at the well. A long tense silence passed so thick it could be cut with a knife.

"Go home monk," Inuyasha finally demanded softly and Miroku shook his head.

"I said go home," the hanyou ordered a little more firmly and Miroku knew if he didn't comply he'd be deposited there shortly. Still...

"Will you accompany me?" he asked hoarsely but Inuyasha didn't reply. Clearing his throat, he tried something that often worked and which was also true, "The twins have made a gift for you. They're very excited about it and it was meant to be..."

"Just go," Inuyasha sighed as he cast the monk a side eyed glance, "I'll come by later alright?"

"You'll come by for dinner?" Miroku asked weakly as he continued to search his friends face.

"If you leave," Inuyasha ordered again and this time the monk held firm.

"No. I will not leave," Miroku replied defiantly as he squared his shoulders and reached into his robes. If he had to seal him to prevent his friend from doing himself harm, he would do it without question. Inuyasha glanced at the monk and sighed. This was just his fear talking. They were just afraid...

It was understandable why the monk had come. Why he'd said what he said. It was true. He'd been sulking and more clingy recently but...but he hadn't been that bad, right? Besides he wasn't as bad as Kohaku had been. In many ways, it would've been kinder just to let him die. He'd seemed normal at first. Established himself as a demon slayer but then last winter...

"I'm not going to off myself Miroku. I'm not going anywhere," Inuyasha promised quietly, "I just need a moment, okay?"

"And you'll come for dinner," Miroku countered rather than asked. Inuyasha nodded but the monk didn't seem to believe him and Inuyasha merely continued staring at the well.

"I didn't intend to cause you pain. We are merely concerned especially after..." Miroku trailed off miserably before adding in a broken whisper, "If we had..."

Gasping loudly, Inuyasha sat bolt upright and held a hand over his heart. His mind drowning in the memory while the loud ringing in his ear drowned out the world around him. It was becoming hard to breathe as his vision blurred and his head spun and he clawed at his neck to try to force the next breath of air to escape and...

Something was tugging at his hand and it hurt. _Why_ did it hurt? Short panicked gasps began escaping him as he instinctively flinched away from the pain but it followed him.

" _Shhhhhhh_ ," Kagome's voice filtered down into his jumbled mind, " _Shhhhhhhhh_."

All of this would never have happened if she hadn't dropped into his life. He'd still be dead to the world pinned onto that tree where he couldn't feel or think or hurt or...

His breathing became more sporadic and harsh as his back hit the smooth, cold wall and his knees curled under him.

"It's okay," Kagome's voice murmured affectionately, "Just focus on me, okay?"

Why was she tugging on him? Why...why did that memory affect him so much? It wasn't even...it hadn't been...

Inhaling deeply, unfocused amber eyes managed to open and find her face. She looked so worried. So concerned. Afraid. She was _afraid_ of him. His heart began skipping beats as his vision blurred.

"Breathe Inuyasha," Kagome demanded gently as she tried to guide him to lay down and stiffly he did. One hand began stroking his face while the other fondled his ear, "Just breathe. _Shhhhhhh_."

The world faded to black.

It was some time later that he came to again. Her hands still stroking his face and messaging his ears. The high pitched ring was still there as was the searing pain on his neck. Lifting a trembling hand to feel the sore area, the hand on his face moved to intercept his path. Gently though. So gently.

"I'll clean it in a minute. I didn't want to wake you up," she murmured affectionately, "I don't think they're deep. Just stay calm. Just breathe. It'll be okay."

Shame filled his gut as he realized he must have lost his mind there for a minute. _Again_. And yet, despite the fact that...he'd pretty much implied he didn't love her anymore, she...Which wasn't true. That wasn't true at all. He loved her. God he loved her. More than anything. But he...

Tears began gathering in his eyes as he looked up at her face. _Her_ eyes were so soft. Worried but adoring. She still loved him. After all this time. After all he'd done was complain. A choked dry sob escaped him as self-loathing overloaded his system.

 _Fuck_.

"I'm sorry," he managed hoarsely and Kagome shook her head. A sad smile. Those eyes still looking at him with such love he wished his heart would just stop beating.

"I forgive you. It's okay," she crooned as the back of her hand began stroking his cheek again, "Do you...do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head but rolled onto his side. Burying his face into her stomach. How could she bear to even _look_ at him? How could anyone look at such a broken mess? What was happening to him? How had he gotten this way? Where was the man who could stare down the toughest of demons and not bat an eye? Where the _hell_ was _he_?

"Do you want me to get the first aid kit?" she asked them and he shook his head again. He just wanted to lay here. Where he felt safe and sheltered. He didn't deserve her or her love. Not after what he'd said. But fuck it, he needed this right now like he needed air.

"Okay," She replied as she scratched the base of one ear lightly, "Just let me know if you do, okay?"

With what took actual effort, he managed to move one arm and wrap it around her waist. For a moment, they were quiet and the lingering tension in his muscles slowly melted away. He had some idea why that memory had bothered him so much. Not just because it was that conversation that seemed to send him on this path.

"I miss them," he sighed after a moment as he nuzzled her stomach, "All the time."

Of course he did. He'd been with them for six long years during which time they had grown closer. They had been a family while she was away. That was probably why he reacted like he did. He dreamt of them and woke up here. In a world he hated without any support system other than her. And he wasn't even...he didn't even...

He regretted being with her. He didn't want to be with her. He probably wanted to go home. His real home but it was possible he could never go home and in many ways he was trapped. This world had no place for him except with her. Kagome's throat felt tight as she continued to massage his ear. He was trapped. Maybe...maybe that was the reason he was like this.

Sighing shakily, she asked "Do you want to talk about them?"

He shook his head and inhaled deeply. It was so much easier not to talk about things if he was being honest. Talking only ever seemed to lead to pain anymore. And communicating so much had been his _brilliant_ idea. Maybe he should just try shutting the hell up and see how that worked out for him. Maybe all of this would get easier. Having friends had made him soft. Made him weak. Life was so much simpler when he didn't talk to anyone and was on his own. It was familiar. He knew what he was doing. Lonely _sure_ but easier.

Still...he also loved just being with her. He just wished it was in a world he understood. Realization hit him hard and he inhaled sharply making her tense. This _was_ where he wanted to be. As much as he missed his friends, he didn't _want_ to be there. He _wanted_ to be here. Even when he was losing his mind, which had been gone a long time if he was being honest, when he was with her...

There were these moments. Moments when he actually felt...

 _Okay_. Letting out a long exhale, he snuggled into her and hummed. He felt like _himself_ for once, as much as he was able, just laying here with her. At least here there would be moments everything felt _okay_. No outside world to worry about. No barrage of strange things and misunderstandings. Just her. Just calm. Safety. Security. Just _love_. He exhaled again and a ghost of a smile played on his lips. God how he missed this feeling.

Sighing contentedly, he squeezed Kagome's middle and rubbed his cheek against her thigh. This was easy. Just being here with her. Back before their separation, he enjoyed their moments of companionable silence. Just holding her against him in the branches of a random tree on a quiet clear summer night. Those were the moments he missed the most. Just doing... _nothing_. Maybe...maybe doing nothing was okay. Being with her was enough if it meant there would be moments like this. The rest of it didn't really matter.

Humming, a soft smile grew on his lips as sat up to look at her. The smile she gave him in return seemed pained like her heart was breaking. It reminded him of how she looked when he went to see Kikyo. When she believed he didn't love her. But he had. He loved her almost from the very beginning. It had felt wrong. Especially because it had been his fault that Kikyo had been brought back. Torn because he still loved the woman Kikyo had been. He wanted to save her from herself. From that life. But he couldn't. He knew that he couldn't but he never stopped trying. By doing so he had done himself and Kagome especially a disservice. And now...he never wanted her to feel like that again. He didn't want Kagome to doubt how much he loved her.

Gently reach up and brushing the loose hairs away from her face, he leaned in and kissed her.

"I love you," he murmured against her lips and he heard her relieved sigh in response before she pressed her lips against his once more.

"I'm sorry for...I didn't mean it. Not really. I mean, I did mean we needed to know more about each other but the leaving part I...it was..." he panted before she cut him off with another searing kiss and he whimpered. Any tension left melting away as he cupped her face and gently laid her down.

"I should talk less," he chuckled softly and Kagome looked slightly concerned before he added playfully, "Ya know, words were never my thing. I'm a man of action."

"I've always wanted to know more about your life," Kagome admitted with a soft sigh before cooing when he kissed her temple, "You don't need to apologize for saying how you feel Inuyasha. I understand. I do."

"You don't," he corrected warmly before laughing softly and rolling his hips against her, "But I don't really understand either. I think..."

He paused and averted his gaze when the scent of her worry and anxiety hit his nose. Whatever he was planning on trying to initiate was foiled.

"I think it'll get better," he continued barely above a whisper, "It has to, right? What did you say? This is just...this is just culture shock. I'll get used to things eventually and I won't..."

Swallowing thickly, Kagome tried to think of how to phrase what needed to be said.

"It might be more than that," she began nervously and his gaze whipped back to hers in mild horror. Taking a deep breath, she continued as she reached up to cup his cheek and her heart broke when he looked absolutely crushed, "But what I think is happening happens to a lot of people. It's not just you. You're not broken Inuyasha. You're just going through some things right now and that's very _normal_."

"What is it?" he asked thickly as he tried to ignore the growing feeling of panic.

"Anxiety. Depression," Kagome answered with a reassuring smile, "You remember how Sango was in the beginning?"

He nodded.

"You remember how she acted around Kohaku? How she did things she normally wouldn't do?"

He nodded again. Slightly slower.

"But day by day she improved, right? It just took some time."

Swallowing thickly, he remembered something he hadn't shared with Kagome. Yet. Sango had been the one to find Kohaku and for months, she would wake up screaming. _Months_. They'd never said but he could smell her tears at random times during the day. But she did get better. It took time but she did. Exhaling slowly, that memory morbidly brought him some comfort. It gave him hope that maybe...

Maybe one day he'd be himself again. After all, if Sango could recover from finding her brother hanging from a tree surely he could recover from this too. Their separation was not nearly as bad as _that_.

"No matter what happens I love you," Kagome finished as she searched his face, "I'll always love you."

Worry and heartbreak wormed into her scent. The same scent that radiated off her whenever Kikyo was involved. Maybe the first step should be making sure she knew that...that despite how he was and what he might be for some time, he loved her too. Closing his eyes, he tried to ignore the...the anxiety coursing through his veins at her admission that what was happening to him wasn't simple.

"Do you know..." he began softly and Kagome's heart began beating faster, "That during our time together...I..."

He cleared his throat and blushed.

"Sometimes I'd sit by you when you slept," he admitted shakily, "There were times when I felt like...like this. Not as bad but it was there. During those times, being near you made me feel better. I'd stoke your leg and touch your hair."

He swallowed thickly.

"You made me happy," he continued, "I'd forgotten what that felt like."

He cringed as that didn't come out like he wanted. He wanted to convey how he'd always loved her but instead he only put pressure on her to carry the weight that was crushing him.

"What I mean is that...that I loved you back then," he tried, "I wasn't in love with Kikyo. I was in love with _you._ I'm still in love with you. That will _never_ change."

That...that didn't exactly make sense but again, he meant what he said. He _really_ wasn't good with words.

"What I want," he continued desperately as she looked slightly crestfallen, "Is for you to just be yourself. Don't feel like you need to change for me. To have to be someone else because you're afraid you'll set me off. It'll happen no matter what you do. That's not your fault. Miroku..."

He sighed heavily.

"Miroku did what you're doing," he continued softly, "Especially after Kohaku did what he did. He tried to fix me. To make it better. Walked on eggshells all the time and tried to carry this for me. But this wasn't his burden to bear and it's not yours either. I need to figure this out on my own."

Groaning softly, Kagome wanted to argue but didn't. Inuyasha hummed as though he understood what she was thinking.

"Just be you," he murmured affectionately before leaning down and kissing her temple, "You taught me that you shouldn't change who you are. Especially not for someone else. Be yourself Ka-go-me...and I'll try to be me."

Well he kinda sounded like himself again. _Kinda_. If you count the few times he'd actually admitted things to her. This wasn't the revelation he needed to have though. He didn't need to try to fix this on his own. That was a terrible idea. _Wait_...what was that about...

"Kohaku," Kagome whispered as she let out a shuddering breath and Inuyasha sighed sadly.

"I think...I think he felt like I do," Inuyasha began slowly, " _Whatever_ this is. Things he'd tried to ignore coming out all at once. A few winters ago he...he had seemed okay. Was spending a lot of time with Sango. Then he went missing. And Sango found his body a few days later."

Kagome gasped and tears welled in her eyes.

"Mother did that too," he admitted softly as his eyes suddenly looked distant, "Had me run an errand and...well..."

He stopped suddenly and clammed up. It was obvious he didn't want to go into detail.

"Come here," Kagome whispered thickly and he could smell her tears but complied. Resting his cheek above her heart. Her fingernails scratched the back of his head as she held him to her. For the longest time, he had told himself that it didn't bother him. Told himself that everyone dies eventually so it wasn't that big a deal. But it was. He loved her and she left him. She didn't care. She didn't love him. That was part of why Sesshomaru's trick was particularly cruel. The apology for leaving him behind so young and expressing her love a salve on a wound that had never healed...

He sighed shakily and snuggled deeper into Kagome's embrace. Moving so he lay flush against her. One leg between her legs while the other draped across her thigh.

"I love you," he breathed as a smile played on his lips when she replied in kind. Yes this was where he wanted to be. For the first time in a long time he felt content and the feeling was almost foreign. It would be okay. This life would be okay. Different, sure, but life happens when you make other plans. Everything was worth it for moments like this.

Kagome continued fondling his scalp as her other hand ran passively up and down his back. For the longest time, he lay against her and let her soothe his bruised heart until her ministrations slowly put him to sleep.

The last thought in his mind was how much he loved her. How he never wanted to leave her side. This was where he belonged. Right here in her arms. She would never betray him like so many had done. _Never_.

He melted into her as his consciousness ebbed.

"Love you 'Gome. Love...you..."

Kagome sighed as she felt his weight sag against her. Life had been so cruel to him. Almost everyone had been so cruel to him. Even his mother who was the one person who should have loved him unconditionally. Who should have been there for him and shown him that he was perfect as he was. Still, this moment of peace had followed a moment of misery. Again, the emotional whiplash had her head spinning and left her heart broken. Even though she had seen him smile and love radiated off of him in waves, this was temporary. Tomorrow he could wake up and be right back in that depressive state he couldn't break. The smallest thing setting him off. He wanted her to be herself. To accept the implied fact that he would have more outbursts and that she was just supposed to be _okay_ with that. But she wasn't okay with that. It scared her. Traumatized _her_. The claw marks on his neck still healing and blood caked over the wound. Waking up to that had been _terrifying_. And then all of a sudden he was being affectionate and loving and...

Biting back tears, Kagome trailed her fingers up and down his back. This wasn't what she had dreamed of her life being these past six years.  
This was a nightmare.


	14. I Don’t Know Why I Instigate

Inuyasha hummed happily when he woke up with his cheek resting just above Kagome's heart. The soft, gentle thrum against his cheek calming in ways words never could be. It was weird to wake up and not immediately feel miserable. Foreign even but definitely not unwelcome. For the first time in a long time, he felt like he could breathe again.

He sighed contentedly as he realized the hand closest to his face was loosely covered by Kagome's. She must've fallen asleep holding it while the other rested on his back which strangely warmed his heart. She'd held him. Even after he'd...

Pushing that memory to the side, he stretched out one leg and gently rubbed his cheek against her skin as a soft smile played on his lips. Maybe he was getting better? That'd be nice. To be honest, it was getting to the point where he couldn't remember feeling. The world becoming dull and distant while he went through the motions. It was when he tried to force himself to do something different, when he tried to force himself to...

Sniffing once, he realized he hadn't had a logical, predictable reaction to most things this past year. For some reason, he kept thinking, at least in the past, that he'd been doing an alright job of acting relatively normal. It was here when he broke routine that he was having issues. Well, all of this was something that would go away when he established a routine then. That thought brought him immense relief and hope.

Speaking of which...

"Good morning," Inuyasha hummed as he smiled down at a groggy Kagome who looked more resigned than well rested. Sapphire eyes searched his face for a moment while her mouth formed a thin line before she seemed to relax and offered him a hesitant smile.

"Morning," she hummed as she stretched slightly and propped herself up on her elbows, "Did you, um, sleep well?"

Inuysha nodded and dipped down to give her a quick kiss before noticing the flecks of dried blood caked onto her skin. His face fell as he reached up to touch his chest and frowned. He hadn't realized. Gently probing the area, he registered that several of the self-inflicted wounds were still healing which was unusual. Since when did he take so long to heal? The somewhat soft scabs and dried blood we're still pliable to the touch. While the timing of his outburst was a little fuzzy, it had to be hours ago. So why...

"Why don't you take a shower?" Kagome offered, "Or I could clean..."

"No, no, I'll do it," he muttered quietly as the memory that inspired such a panic attack lazily drifted through his mind. Why had he reacted like that? Like a frightened animal running on pure instinct. He _barely_ remembered hurting himself. Barely remembered anything except sheer blind panic. Was it because he wished he was still in his time, with his friends, or was it because he was afraid he was still in his time without Kagome?

Glancing at Kagome, he noted how she was watching him with wide, frightened eyes. Like she fully expected him to lose his mind again. He couldn't blame her there. To be honest, he expected to lose his mind as well. Sanity slipping through his fingers with each passing day. If there ever came a day where he felt he was past the point of no return, he would need to leave. If he hurt her...

He had a feeling he had hurt those he cared about before but he could never be sure. And this wasn't the first time he'd hurt himself in his panic but...usually he was awake during those. This was definitely a first.

Shaking his head subtly to toss out the strange memories, he offered Kagome a hesitant smile as he moved to the edge of the bed and stood up - his fingertips still playing with his wound. Kagome swallowed thickly but still managed to look somewhat calm.

"Do you want me to make breakfast?" Kagome offered and he shook his head.

"Not hungry right now," he muttered distractedly as he moved to his closet and sighed despondently before rifling through the various garments. Kagome let out a shuddering breath and nodded like she expected him to say that. A moment later he had picked out a shirt and pants before heading towards the bathroom while the former miko watched on anxiously.

It was becoming more and more worrisome how little he was eating - although relatively speaking that was the least of her worries. Last night had been terrifying. Waking up to him trying to claw his own throat out. She'd barely slept because even in his sleep, he'd scratched at it. She'd ultimately ended up clutching at his hand to keep it from moving, which was thankfully easy, while her free hand stroked his hair until she passed out from exhaustion. If he wasn't so volatile, she'd try to go back to sleep but with him being like this...

Sighing shakily, she headed towards the kitchen where she placed a kettle on the stovetop and lit the burner. Tomorrow was going to be a clusterfuck and she knew it. It wasn't like she could call in for the first day of the new year and she fully expected him to have some type of separation anxiety outburst. Probably do it on purpose just to...

Freezing, Kagome blinked and furiously shook her head. Where did _that_ thought come from? He would never do this on purpose. He had always prided himself on being strong and resilient which is what made this whole... _whatever_ this was so sad. Why he was struggling so much. Feeling disgusted by herself, Kagome reached for the fridge door and opened it. Searching for something that he might eat. He used to be a bottomless pit although he had been picky. A bemused half-smile grew on her lips as her eyes landed on the pickled radishes. She had been so mad at him over the stupid omelets she'd made. Wanting to impress him and show that she could be a good wife. Like that mattered to him at all.

Picking up the jar, she closed the fridge door and hummed. Maybe he'd eat this. It wasn't the healthiest but it was better than the nothing he was consuming now. Sure, he ate yesterday but that was honestly the first thing she saw him eat since he got here. Know what? Little victories were victories all the same. This wouldn't be forever. He'd get better. She just needed to be patient with him.

To be honest, it was understandable to a degree how this last emotional blow had been the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. And this was a strange, complicated world he didn't understand which was exacerbating the issue. Sighing forlornly, she wished she could talk to Miroku and Sango to find out what they'd done. This couldn't be something that happened overnight. Like he said, he cried and then stopped. If he was acting like this with her...he had to have been acting like this with them too.

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Five hundred years in the past, Miroku stared down into the well with a defeated, morose look. The guilt would probably always plague him. To have been the one to send his dear friend on a dark path. Up until that day, Inuyasha seemed to be coping...well not in a healthy manner...or even a good way...but he'd been coping. Acting relatively normal if not a bit too obsessed with the well that once connected their world with Kagome's era. Functioning for the most part. Afterwards...

The sound of Inuyasha sobbing in the well still haunted him. When the half-demon hadn't come to supper like he promised, he'd immediately rushed to the well - heart hammering from fear that bordered on terror. There had been something hollow in those amber eyes. Those well intentioned words had broken Inuyasha's usually resilient spirit. Stolen those last remnants of hope that lingered. No amount of damage control ever made it right.

The first sign something was terribly wrong was when Inuyasha stopped coming for dinner and when he did, he barely ate anything. Before he at least put in an effort but no longer. While he smiled for his nieces and nephew, it was forced and his movements sluggish like he had to force his muscles to move. There had been times, not that Miroku even spoke of them to Sango, when he'd found the half-demon having a melt-down in the woods to such a degree he wasn't aware of his surroundings.

Miroku tried to talk him down once. Golden eyes seemed to stare straight though him and he lashed out when the monk tried to offer a comforting touch. The subsequent injury he'd lied about and blamed on a random demon. Even Inuyasha seemed to believe it although there had been signs he knew it had been him and afterwards, the half-demon began avoiding him. No longer coming to dinner. Staying away from the village in general and usually perching on rooftops when he did venture in. When they went on exorcisms, there was no eye contact made with him, much less anyone else.

The weight loss became more drastic. He spoke only when spoken to and eventually only non-verbal responses were given. It seemed to be getting worse. So much worse.

Sango was nearly beside herself when obviously self-inflicted injuries began to appear on random parts of the half-demon's body. She made it a point to wrap them and tend to them which Inuyasha didn't even bother fighting which only bothered the slayer more. No explanation was given other than _'wasn't on purpose.'_ Sango never fully believed him.

That day when the well opened once more was the first moment in more than a month that elicited any type of response. The nearly comatose half-demon reacting and speaking and...

It was such a mistake to tell him hope was lost. Such a mistake. That was his fault. All of what had transpired this past year was completely his fault. How he wished he could turn back time and do things differently. Perhaps encouraged a different approach or merely tried to distract his friend. But it was no matter. What had been done had been done and now Inuyasha was gone. Forever.

Miroku sighed and sent up a silent prayer before turning and heading home.

_'Please let my friend find happiness. Let him live long and well. And...may he forgive me for my transgressions.'_

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Inuyasha scrubbed his much shorter hair as his mind wandered through the dream to try to find a reason that he woke up like he had. It didn't make any sense. Sure, it hadn't been a pleasant day. The last time he tried the well occurred shortly thereafter but that didn't explain why he'd lost his damn mind when he woke up. Didn't explain why he'd clawed at himself. Well, okay, he hyperventilated and was trying to breathe which might explain it but like...

He lowered one hand and stared at it. He should probably cut his claws anyway. Men in this time didn't have long nails. Plus he didn't want to accidentally gouge himself again. Those wounds were still healing which was confusing. Fresh blood leaking out of them as the scabs sloughed off with the soap. They didn't feel particularly deep so they should've been gone by now. Maybe something was wrong with him physically? Because why the hell not. Why did he only need to suffer mentally? Just watch his body begin breaking down too. Great. Just freaking _great_.

Leaning his head back, he let the warm water rinse off the shampoo and ran a single hand through it to assist. Maybe it was because he wasn't eating. Even he knew that people were more likely to get sick when there was starvation. Problem was food sounded revolting anymore. Not always but most of the time. He honestly just wasn't hungry. Didn't want food. Wasn't interested in food. Just wasn't a priority.

When he was younger, he actually got sick pretty often like most children did. His mother would make him that putrid tea and forced it down his throat which usually made him feel better. Sighing he tried to think about why that occurred to him. It seemed relatively random and yet the memory rushed forward for no reason. Shrugging, he reached and turned off the water.

Well that was an easy fix. All he had to do was eat and he'd probably start healing like he normally did. After all, he was actually feeling okay today. Today would be different. He was sure of it.


	15. And Say What I Don’t Mean

"Do you want me to put something on that?" Kagome asked softly as she glanced up from her lesson plans and noticed him laying in the couch still playing with his wound. Furrowing his brow subtly, he shook his head and lowered his hand.

"It'll heal," he replied softly as he rolled into the couch and buried his face, "Just tired. Maybe that's it."

Kagome chewed her lip for a moment as she weighed letting him be or forcing the issue and ultimately decided that he'd say something if it bothered him. Wouldn't he? And she had always insisted on tending to his wounds even when he insisted he didn't need it. Maybe a bit of old normalcy would help the situation.

"I'm going to put something on it," she murmured affectionately as she scooted her chair back and moved towards the bathroom, "Couldn't hurt."

Collecting what she needed, she came back and gently tugged on his shoulder.

"I'm fine," he muttered even as his lips twitched upwards, "I'm not weak like you dumb humans."

"Well this dumb human is going to put a bandaid on it. It could get infected. You don't know," she teased back and she felt him chuckle softly.

"That's probably fair," he hummed as he sat up and scratched the back of his neck, "I always thought you might've had a point to be honest."

Kagome smiled softly as she gently tilted his head up and began applying some antibacterial cream on the still healing wound. It was strange that it wasn't healing. Usually it would've at least been somewhat puckered although usually that was reserved for more severe injuries.

"Has anything else not been healing?" Kagome asked quietly as she glanced down at his feet, "It didn't hurt you to run did it?"

Inuyasha shook his head and offered her a reassuring albeit strained smile.

"I'm sure it's nothing," he promised as she began wrapping a bandage around his throat, "Probably just not eating enough."

"Has that happened before?" she asked as she glanced at his face and he shrugged in lieu of a response. It hadn't but he wasn't going to worry her more than he already had been. The last thing he wanted right now was to her think he was falling apart physically too. The injury was probably just deeper than they thought. That's all. No need to put more thought into it than was already done.

"Let me know if it happens again," Kagome asked gently as she began putting her supplies away, "Bruises or anything where they shouldn't be, alright?"

Inuyasha snorted and rolled his eyes but didn't argue. He was still all for communicating - although he really was going to try to scale back. He was over sharing and he knew it. She didn't need to know how his mother died. Or any of the other horrible things of horribleness that had happened to him in his lifetime. Not when he was already slowly going insane and trying to...

"You will tell me," Kagome commanded softly as she gave him a look that was half-playful and half-serious. Laughing softly, he nodded and leaned forward to place a kiss on her lips.

"Alright, alright, quit whining and get back to your lesson plans woman," he acquiesced - giving her nose a little nuzzle before pulling back, "I'm just going to be a good boy and watch TV. No injuries for me."

Humming, Kagome gave him a quick peck before standing up and going back to her notebooks. Grabbing the remote and plopping back down, Inuyasha stared intently at the thing before deciding that the topmost button must be to turn it on. Which was correct and he felt a wave of weird pride from figuring it out on his own. Up and down made equal sense and he felt that same strange pride surge through him as he began channel surfing. There were so many different types of plays on this thing. Some rather boring if he was being honest but finally one caught his interest and adjusting himself amber eyes drank in the image of creatures that were both familiar and yet not familiar at all.

"Kagome what are these called?" he asked as he propped himself up to look over the couch and Kagome glanced at the movie before looking down again.

"Dinosaurs," she laughed softly, "They existed millions of years before demons but died out. Maybe you're related."

"How did they die?" he asked curiously as he sat up and Kagome shrugged as she continued scribbling.

"Some people think they got hit by a meteor. A rock from space," she clarified, "Some think it was disease. Or that the world got too hot or too cold. They don't know."

Inuyasha blinked once before seeming to accept that explanation and settling back down. Jurassic Park, as it turned out, was actually rather good but also bothersome. While he didn't understand a lot of what was being explained, he got the gist. A human doctor decided that he was going to make a hybrid frog dinosaur, put them in cages and it ended badly. Who would've guessed? He liked it though and part of him hoped it was based on a true story but unfortunately it wasn't. Or so Kagome said.

"I'm _just_ saying no one knows what happened to demons," Inuyasha laughed playfully as he flipped the piece of steak over the frying pan, "Maybe there was an island. They never opened that park in the movie. For all you know there's an island out there no one knows about and so they made a movie as a way to expose it."

Kagome snorted as she rolled her eyes. Ah, so he was a conspiracy theorist now. About Jurassic freaking Park. But also yay seeming to understand movies and television without having a melt down. If that didn't spell out progress, she wasn't sure what did.

"Just wait until you watch Godzilla," Kagome teased, "Then you'll see. It's all make believe."

"What the hell is a Godzilla?" Inuyasha snorted as he took the frying pan off the burner and used the spatula to put the meat on a plate.

"A giant lizard that tears down the city," Kagome explained smugly and Inuyasha gave her a patient look.

"A giant demon then and you want me to believe that doesn't exist," Inuyasha challenged playfully and Kagome shrugged.

"Demons aren't around nowadays," Kagome countered, "And Tokyo has not been plagued by giant lizards recently so yeah, it's made up."

"I bet you my right arm that Godzilla exists somewhere," Inuyasha countered under his breath as he put the frying pan in the sink, "Just like dinosaur island."

"Whatever you say," Kagome laughed as she sent him a smug smile and tweaked his ear. He merely gave her an amused look.

"You going to finish that rice or what?" he asked bemusedly as he washed his hands and wiped them off. Moving behind her and resting his chin atop her head as he swayed gently with her pulled against his chest.

"It'd be easier if you didn't do that," she countered although she didn't struggle to escape his hold and merely kept doing what she was doing, "Besides I can't really do anything. It's in the cooker and I'm making salad right now so..."

"We don't need vegetables," he purred as he moved to nibble her ear, "I'm hungry for something else now."

"Inuyasha we've got to eat first," Kagome countered breathily and he ignored her as one hand moved to cup her breast.

"No, we've got to eat. We just made food," Kagome argued and finally Inuyasha sighed. Resting his forehead atop her shoulder, she could almost feel his pout when he pulled away.

"Well hurry up then," he groused as he glared impatiently at the rice cooker, "Make it go faster."

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Lesson plans finished and Inuyasha quietly napping fully sated, Kagome took the opportunity to clean up a little. Wiping down the counter. Washing the dishes. Sweeping up. Tomorrow would be interesting but hopefully uneventful. He seemed to be almost _normal_ today. More than normal. It was a welcome relief from the hot mess that had been the last few days. Up until now it seemed like everything she had done had been wrong. But then today he'd been playful and somewhat happy. Sure he wasn't healing like he normally would but he obviously wasn't well and that made sense that his body wasn't in its _usual_ shape. Once he got back into the swing of things, that'd go away and be back to himself. She just needed to be patient and accept the good days along with the bad. Not once today had he mentioned going back. There had been no meltdowns or emotional whiplash events. He hadn't flinched when she spoke and seemed to be breathing easier. Maybe it really had been just culture shock. Just an adjustment period.

God that would be nice if that's all it was.

Sniffing once as she glanced around, she felt satisfied that the house was as good as it was going to get tonight before heading to her closet to pick out a work outfit. Teaching was both a blessing and a curse. She enjoyed it fully and found it very fulfilling. A part of her wondered whether she would feel differently about going into the classroom now that the entire purpose of her studies had been satisfied.

Humming, she shook her head and shrugged at herself. It didn't really matter in the end. She had a job so she could provide. Inuysha was here and doing better. It was going to be alright. Everything was going to be fine.

Outfit successfully picked out, she changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed. Amber eyes cracked open and a groggy smile greeted her before he scooted closer and draped one arm around her waist.

"Hey," he whispered thickly.

"Hey."

"I'm glad I'm here ya know," he yawned before pressing his nose against her shoulder, "Sorry for..."

"No need to apologize. You're here. That's all that matters," Kagome comforted as she rolled to face him and he hummed happily as he dragged her closer.

"I love you," he muttered as his eyes drooped and his muscles relaxed.

"Love you too."

It was such a sweet moment. Peaceful and normal and perfect. Like the calm before a storm.


	16. I Don’t Know How I Got This Way

"I'll be home before you know it," Kagome promised as she picked up her purse and slung it over her shoulder, "I set my alarm to go off thirty minutes before I get back, okay? And...and I left the school's number on the table. If something happens, just call and I'll..."

As she turned to face him, two masculine hands cupped her face before Inuyasha kissed her so deeply she wasn't sure who was breathing for whom. The moment ended far too quickly and when he finally pulled back, she missed it immediately.

"I'll be fine," he promised - both his eyes and mouth smiling, "You don't need to worry."

"I know," she lied seamlessly and prayed his nose couldn't detect her fib. In truth, she was absolutely terrified to leave him alone. What if he had another nightmare or ended up losing his mind over something with no one there to stop him from drowning in his own tears? Millions of worst-case scenarios were racing through her mind – each more terrifying than the next.

"Don't look like that," he chided playfully, "It's going to be fine. I'm a big boy. I can handle myself."

Forcing a smile onto her face, Kagome opened her mouth to respond but he cut her off with another searing kiss that made her legs go weak. Clawed fingers worked their way into her hair while the empty hand drew her closer. If he could tuck her inside of him, he would have so he never had to let her go again. Keep her here with him for all of eternity. But alas, he must release her for the time being and it brought him tremendous relief that the knowledge hadn't tripped off the hidden alarm bells usually ringing in his mind. Pulling back, he rested his forehead against hers – panting lightly.

"Do you have to leave right now?" he panted huskily as one hand tried to worm under her shirt but Kagome stopped him and rolled her eyes.

"I wish I didn't have to go but yeah, I need to be there early. It's the first day back," she breathed as she gently pressed her lips against his and he chuckled softly.

"Just hurry home when you finish," he hummed as he finally released her and sighed despondently, "I'll be here."

"I know," she replied with a heartfelt smile as she reached up to gently stroke his cheek, "I love you."

"Love you too."

And with that, she left - glancing over her shoulder with a sad little smile before closing the door behind her. Inuyasha's smile slowly faded as he remained where he was in the quiet apartment. The air conditioner whirring. The refrigerator humming. A few birds chirping outside. Him alone with nothing to do.

Swallowing thickly, he swung his arms as he glanced around - unsure of his next move. While he was expected at the shrine, the sun hadn't even risen yet. The looming pink on the horizon just now signaling the coming dawn. It was strange to him that she was expected to be at her job so early and a traitorous part of himself worried that she just was trying to get away from him. To have a break from the insufferable way he'd been acting since he came here. Try as he might to tell that part to go to hell, the thought lingered. Swirling unchecked in his gut until it became the most prominent idea bouncing around in his mind. No matter how he tried to argue against it, the thought remained.

"Whatever," he finally huffed as he yawned and made his way back to the bed. Maybe he could just sleep a few more hours and go from there. It still felt weird after a lifetime of sleeping in trees or upright to lay down - much less on the most heavenly futon he'd ever had the pleasure of using. The old ways that had allowed him to survive no longer useful in any way whatsoever. There was nothing to fear here. Nothing was going to sneak up on him if he let his guard down and for that knowledge he was grateful. It was a wonderful thing to be safe for once. He'd almost forgotten what that felt like. In fact, he wasn't even sure he'd ever felt that way before.

Yawning again, he flopped down on the mattress and folded his arms beneath his head. Maybe later tonight they could work on writing down pieces of his life. The little things she'd enjoy hearing about before they ventured into more dangerous water.

Letting out a long sigh, he tried not to think of those tidbits that might drive her away but they too decided to come to the forefront of his mind. Memories of killing hundreds of faceless men dancing in his mind's eye. She had never seemed particularly disturbed when he killed demons in the past, which was a small comfort, but killing humans was a different story. Not all of the people he'd killed were in self-defense either. Some were just for his own comfort. When mother died, for example, a handful of men had decided to desecrate her body and so he'd killed them. In his heartbreak, he'd been cruel. The soul inside him broken beyond repair. A tiny child able to take out half a dozen warriors with only his claws. The first man died slowly and painfully – the unfortunate recipient of unskilled battle tactics. With each fallen foe, he became more precise until the last man standing was fortunate enough to receive a quick dead.

And after that, killing had been easy. For most of his life, he'd been every bit the demon that him and his friends had slayed on a daily basis. Killing anyone who crossed his path or glanced at him the wrong way. For a couple years, he even went looking for it. It hadn't taken him long to figure out he was stronger than most. If someone had something he wanted, the easiest way to get it was if they were dead. That same rule applied to demons. It wasn't until he met Kikyo that a shred of his humanity showed its face again. For the first time since Mother died, he actually felt something. She changed him. Saved him.

And then she was punished royally for the favor. Forced to suffer a fate worse than death.

Closing his eyes, he adjusted himself to be more comfortable as he tried to ignore the unpleasant memories. The growing anxiety about how Kagome would react when he did muster up the courage to tell her putting uncomfortable pressure on his chest. Maybe he just shouldn't say anything. Kagome seemed to forget that he wanted to tell her these unpleasantries. Acted like that conversation never happened. Which was probably for the best. Even Kagome's forgiveness had its limits.

Rolling onto his side, he yawned once more as his consciousness ebbed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In just a few hours, the subway would be a seething mass of humanity. Everyone from every walk of life shoulder to shoulder, in each other's faces, no personal space, _no_ exceptions. But this early in the morning the small platform looked like the set up for a horror movie complete with that one flickering fluorescent light. Maybe she should have asked Inuyasha to walk with her. It was making her _incredibly_ uncomfortable being here by herself. Sighing, Kagome leaned over the edge of the platform and bounced slightly to see whether the train was coming but there was no sign the train was anywhere nearby. Which irked her to no end even though it wasn't the train's fault that it was running on time instead of early.

Used to be the first day of school was her favorite part of the year. Excited to see her new students and after the winter break, excited to see those students she had come to know again. Now she was dreading having to go in at all. It felt like something was going to happen. Something bad waiting just around the corner. As much as she wanted to place the blame all on Inuyasha, it felt like it was more than that. Something completely unpredictable like a toilet seat falling out of an airplane and slamming into her on its descent back to earth. The plot of Ghostbusters randomly playing out and just like that there would be no Kagome, only Zuul. Or maybe Inuyasha _was_ right and the real-life Godzilla was about to trash the city. In any case, the terrible thing of terribleness was imminent. She knew it. She just knew it.

 _"Oh thank god,"_ she breathed as the subway train turned around the corner and began pulling up to the station. Well, at least the train was running a few minutes early. That was something.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Good morning Inuyasha," Mama Higurashi greeted warmly as she glanced up from her book, "You're early."

"Sorry," he muttered apologetically as he cringed but Mama Higurashi merely laughed and set her book down.

"Don't apologize. You're always welcome here," she reassured him before furrowing her brow, "Are you alright, dear? You look a little, um, _flushed_."

"I'm fine," he replied dismissively, "Kagome just has the heat on as high as it goes is all. Says it's too cold outside."

"She always did love her creature comforts," Mama acknowledged sagely before getting to her feet and heading towards the kitchen, "Would you like anything? Tea? Coffee?"

"What's coffee? Is it good?" he asked bemusedly as he followed the matriarch who merely shrugged.

"It's an acquired taste," the older woman admitted, "It's made from brewing a specific type of bean. Rather bitter. To be honest, I prefer tea but Kagome's grandfather has always been more partial to drinking coffee in the morning."

"I think I'll stick with tea," Inuyasha sighed as he sat down at the table and Mama began boiling some water, "So….what exactly am I supposed to be doing today?"

"I'm not sure," Mama replied as she glanced over her shoulder and gave him a soft smile, "I think Grandfather wants to train you to give tours but if you don't feel comfortable doing that, I think he wants you to performance maintenance."

"What do you mean give _tours_?" he replied uneasily and Mama laughed softly.

"Well, people visit the shrine rather often and want to know the history here," she explained as she opened a cabinet and procured a few tea bags, "You'll learn about everything that happened between when you come from until the present. Then when people come you can answer their questions and explain why this shrine is so special."

"Besides the whole time traveling well thing," he joked weakly as he tried to stamp down his sudden rush of nerves.

"Except the whole well thing, yes," she acknowledged as the kettle began to whistle, "I believe he also wants you to look at some of the antiques we have to make sure there are no other surprises. The flesh eating noh mask and that demonic sword has made Grandfather rather paranoid."

"But not you," Inuyasha observed and Mama shook her head as she began pouring the water.

"I had a daughter who traveled to a dangerous time and fought numerous battles. I never knew whether she would come home or not," Mama began slowly as she presented him with a cup, "My husband died when he was extremely young, and I was extremely pregnant. I choose not to focus on what could have been or what might be. If something does come along that knocks me down, all that matters is that I'm able to get back up again."

Inuyasha blinked a few times at her explanation as he mindlessly sipped the obviously stale tea.

"How did your husband die?" he asked quietly and Mama sighed.

"For a long time, he was sick," she replied after a long moment, "They weren't sure what was wrong with him but it wasn't impacting his ability to function, so he didn't pay the aches and pains any mind. By the time they discovered the cause, it was too late."

"What was wrong with him?" Inuyasha pressed and Mama gave him a sad little smile.

"Have you ever seen someone, in your time, with an unnatural growth that makes them ill?" she asked and Inuyasha furrowed his brow and nodded. On occasion, he had come across that type of thing but hadn't really paid it much mind. Didn't affect him so he never asked any questions. Not that any human – sick or not – would have ever told him anything. They tended to avoid him like the plague and he didn't blame them.

"Sometimes growths like that are inside someone where you can't actually see them," she continued, "You might not even know they're there. Kagome's father had them in his liver."

"Oh" was all he could think to say. Well, that was terrifying. Just randomly having something growing inside you that you couldn't see, that you had no way of knowing about and which just might kill you. Suddenly, he was grateful all he had wrong with him was the, uh…. _dammit_. What had Kagome called it again? Depression?

"So _no_ ," Mama concluded with a slightly bitter laugh, "I don't scare easily."

The awkward silence that followed was so thick Inuyasha wasn't sure whether even the Tessaiga would cut it. And that thought reminded him that he had, in fact, forgotten his sword. Again.

" _Shit_ ," he groaned as he got up suddenly, "I forgot my sword."

"This time is not as dangerous as yours. There aren't going to be any battles," Mama assured him, "Come. Come. Sit. I'm sure your sword will be there when you get back."

Slowly sitting back down, Inuyasha couldn't help the feeling of dread washing over him as she began explaining the other types of things he might be doing around the shrine. A persistent nagging in the back of his mind telling him that he needed to come clean and go get the damn thing. Kagome might be right that his sword was keeping him balanced. These past few days he'd kept it on him at all times and he, admittedly, had been doing much better. That nap had lasted _barely_ an hour and then he'd rushed out looking for something to do and left the one thing designed to keep him balanced behind.

"….rather boring so if you don't feel like coming some days, we understand," Mama finished with a soft sigh before frowning and giving him a once over, "Are you _sure_ you're feeling alright? I could open a window if you're feeling overheated. Perhaps give you some medicine if you feel out of sorts. They have a pill for everything nowadays."

"Nah I'm fine," he managed as he glanced at the doorframe. He really probably should just go get it and come back. His knee began bouncing at a high rate of speed as he fidgeted in his seat and his heart began beating a little faster than usual. Maybe he should just come out and explain? But then Kagome's mother might realize that he was insane or, at a minimum, highly volatile which may have her turn on him.

"Well…" Kagome's mother began slowly as she set down her cup, "Why don't you go get your sword, hm? Grandfather is at the doctor at the moment, so you have time."

Casting her a nervous glance, he was met with an understanding, somewhat apologetic smile. If he didn't know better, he would've sworn that woman knew something was wrong with him. Even when he was getting better, he wasn't all there and apparently that was written all over his face. As he passed by the mirror hanging by the front door, he cast a quick glance at his reflection before freezing in his tracks. Something was written all over his face alright. Well…that explained _why_ she kept asking if he felt okay, didn't it? Didn't explain why she was so calm though. Maybe she really _didn't_ scare easy. That must've been where Kagome got it from.

" _Oh fuck me_ ," he swore softly as he threw open the door and raced as fast as his feet would carry him back home.


	17. I Know It’s Not Alright

* * *

" _No, no, no, no, no, no,"_ Inuyasha muttered hoarsely as he gripped his sword so tightly his knuckles turned white. It was getting hard to breathe and all he could hear was the blood pulsing in his ears. His hands trembled and his vision was becoming increasingly blurry as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. With each painful, shallow breath, his heart seemed to pound even faster, even harder. Those crimson eyes and jagged purple markings seeming to grow darker the longer he focused on them.

Why the _hell_ weren't they going away?! Wasn't that the fucking _purpose_ of this stupid sword?! This was his fault. He...he should have been carrying it but he thought he'd been fine. It _should've_ been fine.

Tears began welling in the crimson orbs staring back at him. He had been doing better. He had. For the first time in forever he'd felt like _himself_ again. Today was supposed to be a day where he proved to Kagome everything would work out and...and _now_ he looked like he was one stones throw away from going on a murderous rampage.

"Kagome," he whined pitifully as a shuddering sob escaped him. He was both grateful she wasn't here and mourning her absence. Any hope he had at making this work was shot straight to hell and it was his fault. It was all his fault. What if never saw her again? What if these were his last moments of consciousness and he spent the rest of his life a mindless killing machine? Someone would need to kill him. That was how the brave hero he used to be died, wasn't it? Not in a battle but with a snarl. He'd die the animal he'd always been. Everyone had been right about him. They'd been right to be afraid.

Doubling over, he pressed his trembling hand firmly against his mouth to keep from screaming. Terror and despair coursed through his veins with such ferocity that it rivaled someone who, wandering in a mist, realized too late that they have stepped straight off the edge into a gaping abyss. For a moment, he almost yearned for death if only to not have to live to see how badly his transformation would end. It was one thing to know what you were doing, to have some control and another entirely to black out only to wake up surrounded by corpses. Covered head to toe in blood with no memory of how it got there but the knowledge that it had been done while your mind was missing. Those missing periods of time terrified him more than anything. For years he'd religiously carried his sword with him to make sure it would never happen again and now...

Crumpling to his knees, a muffled scream escaped and he was unable to check it. What had he done to deserve this? That was a stupid question. He deserved everything that was coming to him and more.

" _Shhhhhhh_ ," he heard a voice that sounded a thousand lightyears away and his chest began heaving more urgently, "It's alright dear. Just focus on me. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. _Shhhhhhh_."

Two soft hands cupped his face and gently forced his unfocused eyes to look at her. The realization that Kagome's mother had, in fact, followed him and now had a front row seat to his descent into madness made his heart pound so heavily he half-wondered if he was having a heart attack. Why the _fuck_ was she here?! She needed to go. _**Now**_.

Mama had indeed followed him, and she was very glad she had done so. At first, she hadn't been overly concerned that Inuyasha's appearance was clearly altered. Was it jarring? Yes, but he seemed to be in a much better mood than he had been a few days prior and was talking rationally so she chalked it up as nothing serious. A lingering injury on his neck, too, had caused some concern but when he began to fidget anxiously, she choose not to ask questions he may not want to answer. It was the soft, frightened curse as he was leaving that made her follow him.

"Get….away…" he managed as he scrambled backwards and averted his eyes, "I….I might...I'm…."

His breath was hitching unnaturally and his head lolled like he was about to pass out. Everything about the situation only made Mama more determined to stay right where she was.

"Come here," she whispered affectionately as she patted the floor in front of her and had Inuyasha possessed a modicum of control he might have been offended by the gesture, "You sound upset Inuyasha. What's happening?"

"Are you fucking _blind_?" he laughed tearfully - the sound strangled and nearly hysterical. Was this woman suicidal? Scrambling backwards, his back hit the wall as his panic grew to new heights.

"Just breathe," she ordered gently as she demonstrated a deep breath and smile reassuringly, "I'm not going to leave you. You seem very upset. Why don't you tell me what's going on? Maybe I can help."

Letting out a shuddering breath, crimson eyes screamed incredulity but for some unfathomable reason, her perfect calm seemed to rub off on him. Trying to focus on her, though, was damn near impossible as his mind continued to race. She seemed in control though. Maybe...maybe she would be able to...to...

"I..." he panted heavily as he rubbed his face, "This only happens if...if I get hurt. But I'm not...I'm not hurt so I don't..."

Mama hummed thoughtfully and tapped her lip.

"Why don't we go back to the shrine?" she offered, "Have there been any other things that you don't consider ' _normal_ '?"

Inuyasha let out another shuddering breath as he averted his eyes. It was becoming easier to breathe but exhaustion was slowly replacing his blind panic.

"Not healing like I normally do," he replied barely above a whisper and Mama made a small noise of understanding.

"Would you mind if I took your temperature?"

Inuyasha felt endlessly confused and his stomach plummeted at the reminder he didn't understand this world. Mama gave him another reassuring smile.

"Sometimes when people get sick, their bodies try to fight off infection in strange ways," she suggested, "Sometimes you get very tired and sometimes you get very thirsty. It might be that your body decided that it needed to do something to help you get better."

Inuyasha's breathing continued to hitch but he appeared to be calming down and the endless stream of tears had stopped.

"You seem to be having a hard time here. Stress sometimes makes it easier for illness to take hold," she continued as she got to her feet, "Why don't we go back to the shrine and see if we can figure out what's happening, hm?"

Inuyasha found himself nodding and getting shakily to his feet - desperate for even the most remote possibility that there was some type of explanation. Except...

He froze and swallowed thickly.

"I should stay," he muttered in a fear laced voice, "I...sometimes, when this happens, I hurt people."

"Would you feel more comfortable if we had a sign?" she offered, "Like tapping your nose if you feel like something might happen?"

Inuyasha exhaled slowly and nodded. As much as he probably needed to get far, far away, he really didn't want to be left alone at the moment.

"Okay. Does tapping your nose sound like a good idea?"

He nodded again and she smiled.

"Well let's go to the shrine and see whether you have a fever. We'll go from there," Mama hummed reassuringly. In literally any other circumstance, Inuyasha probably would've gotten defensive about being treated like a child but right now, what he wanted, _needed_ , more than anything was someone else to take the lead. He was doing a piss poor job at handling this in his own and he trusted this woman. She almost felt like...

"Um, Madam Higurashi?" he began tentatively in a formal-ish tone. He felt completely wiped and he knew he was trembling but she still seemed so calm. Like she had answers and knew what to do. Hope that all was not lost had his whole being melting in relief.

"You can call me Mama," she cooed as she patted him lightly on the cheek, "You're my son in law after all. It's okay if you want to call me something else but just know that it's okay to call me..."

"No, that's fine," he blurted out hoarsely before he could stop himself before cringing at how desperate that sounded. That woman would never know how much that meant to him. How safe that made him feel in her presence. It had been so long since he had someone who...who...well...

His tone and behavior really didn't seem to bother her though in the slightest. It struck him as odd but it almost made him feel eternally grateful. For some reason, he felt like a child trusting his mother to know what to do when he felt lost.

"Just keep breathing," Mama offered before clarifying, "We'll figure it out, okay? I know this must be hard for you."

Inuyasha nodded gratefully as he followed her out the door with his sword still held tightly in his hands.

xxxxxxxxxxx

"Have there been any calls?" Kagome asked the school secretary nervously. Giving the teacher a curious look, the pretty young thing looked through the various messages before shaking her head.

"Nothing so far," the girl hummed as she glanced up at the very tired looking woman, "Are you expecting a call here? Why wouldn't they call your cell phone?"

Kagome's face fell as she realized that would have been a more logical choice. Bad decision aside she felt that same impending sense of doom she'd felt this morning. Instead of relief, she only felt a pit in her stomach. Something was wrong. Something had set her alarm bells off. But what was it?

"Well we can answer our phones during class," Kagome chuckled awkwardly before clearing her throat, "There just, uh, might be a family emergency. Can you pull me if someone calls for me?"

The secretary nodded slowly while Kagome quickly turned and hurried out of the front office.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mama laughed softly as she looked down at the thermometer intended for use in a very certain, probably problematic way before glancing back at his ears.

"I wonder if this will work. It's supposed to go in your ears," she hummed thoughtfully before gasping softly making him flinch, "I think we have another one in the bathroom. That one goes under your tongue."

"Okay," he replied softly from his place on Kagome's old bed as he watched her hurry out of the room. It was strange to be back here. It hadn't changed much at all. Even the alarm clock he'd once crushed was still where it had sat for years now. Mama came back and knelt down in front of him.

"Open up," she crooned and he complied without argument. The metal implement was definitely uncomfortable but when it beeped and she removed it with a small frown, discomfort of a different kind flooded his veins.

"39.7," she whispered before reaching up and feeling is forehead, "Yes, you definitely have a fever. Do you feel congested at all? Like you can't breathe out of your nose? A cough or muscle aches?"

"I don't think so," he replied nervously as his stomach churned from nerves.

"I'm going to try something. Is that okay?" she asked affectionately and he nodded. She was still so calm. Maybe having a fever wasn't a bad thing. Sniffing once to try to gauge how worried she might be, his eyes widened at the realization that her scent wasn't very strong. He could barely smell it. Panic began welling in his chest as fear gripped his soul. He couldn't smell her. He...his nose had been off recently. He had thought...he stomach churned at the completely awkwardness of him daring to hope Kagome was pregnant. His nose hadn't picked up what he expected and at the time...that he might be sick hadn't even occurred to him. Not that he thought logically anymore but even if he had been, illness would be the last thing in his mind.

"I can't smell you," he breathed in a frightened tone and Mama paused before humming like it made all the sense in the world.

"Well that explains it," she reassured him and patted him lightly in the arm, "You're sick. I can give you some medicine to bring down the fever. Would that be okay?"

Inuyasha nodded numbly as he laid down on the twin bed. Since when did he get sick? He hadn't gotten sick since he was a child. God he was completely falling apart wasn't he? His throat suddenly felt tight and he tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

"Getting sick is very _normal_ ," Mama reassured him as she sat down on the bed the lightly stroked his hair, "I can look through the old books we have in storage to see whether there is anything about demon illnesses. Would you like that or do you want me to try what I have first?"

He shrugged and exhaled shakily.

"I'm sorry this is happening to you," She crooned as she scratched the base of one ear, "But it'll be alright."

And with that she left the room. With her gone, Inuyasha allowed himself a few tears as he lifted the covers and buried himself in them. He had been getting _better_ and this latest setback felt like a kick in the balls. A shuddering sob escaped him as a few more tears broke free.

He had been doing _better..._

But nothing good ever happened to him.  
Why was he surprised?


	18. So I’m Breaking The Habit

Sighing, Mama Higurashi glanced up the stairs where the sounds of faint sniffles and muffled sobs could be heard. Kagome, while a wonderful loving child, would never understand what was truly going on. How it felt to be trapped in your own mind. What helped and what did not. That feeling when your fingers grasp pointlessly at the dimming light above you while you drowned in murky water. Until you've been there, it would be almost impossible to imagine.

But she knew. She knew all to well the misery of people needing you and being completely incapable of meeting their demands. Kagome was too young to remember those few years that still seemed like a blur. Unable to force herself to get out of bed to feed her newborn infant or get her little girl ready for school. If it wasn't for Gramps, their struggling household would have fallen into pure chaos. It was ironic in a way. His wife too had died young. From that same beast inside of them. Genetics played a big part – that much was clear. Even now, there were times when Mama found herself overwhelmed with anxiety for her children. Wondering if she too would outlive them. But Gramps always seemed to know what to say to reassure her. He had always been there for them. For her. And for that she was eternally grateful.

"Did you find anything?" Mama asked cryptically of the elderly patriarch as he hobbled into the kitchen and he nodded as he too glanced up at the stairs in concern.

"Oh my yes," he replied before moving over to look at whatever his daughter in law was cooking.

"And?" she continued barely above a whisper. Mama, for her part, was completely aware of the half-demon's hearing abilities. They could probably travel several miles away and he'd still hear whatever they were saying. Gramps, for all his theatrics and outbursts, too seemed to understand the potential consequences of saying whatever he found out loud.

"I'm going to make a few calls," he hummed before he sniffed a few times, "That stew will be nice. Perhaps add some turmeric to it. Some garlic as well. My doctor believes it will do me well."

Mama sent him a suspicious side eyed glance but he looked as calm as ever.

"Do we have peppermint tea?"

"No. Did the doctor suggest it?" she asked curiously and Gramps shook his head.

"I just have a craving for it," he reassured her thoughtfully before they both glanced up the stairs when the bed creaked loudly, the sound of hurried footsteps then the opening and slamming of several doors could be heard. Mama cringed at the sound of retching that soon followed.

"I believe I will be making those calls now," he murmured more to himself than her before hobbling off without another word.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Inuyasha angrily wiped away the tears that were falling as he swallowed the bile already trying to force its way up his throat. He felt utterly disgusted with himself for succumbing to such a weakness. Wanted to tear off his own skin just so to get a fresh start and break out of the hell his body was putting him through. Every second since he came back he wished he was someone, _anyone_ else. He'd even take being a shadow of the man he used to be. But if he was being honest, he'd forgotten who that person even was.

Letting out a shaky sigh, he wiped away a few more tears off his raw, flushed cheeks and pushed himself off the ground. Guilt began worming in his gut when his mind played over and over all the times he pushed the others when they said they weren't feeling well or were tired. Those times he basically told they were weak and to just get over it. That it wasn't _that_ bad. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he shakily gripped the doorknob and began to trudge back towards Kagome's old bedroom – taking a moment to glance down the stairs where Kagome's mother probably was listening to everything because why not throw a little humiliation into this clusterfuck.

Closing his eyes, he tried to hold onto the hope that this latest hell was temporary. Like...like Mama said. People got sick all the time. That it was very normal and that his altered appearance was just his body's way of helping. His demon blood trying to make him get better. Was that really so bad? He…he had been getting better after all. Mentally anyway. Surely this stupid illness would be over soon and it'd just be a one time thing. Something to look back and laugh about. He'd continue to get a grip on reality and cope and Kagome wouldn't want him to leave or leave him and...and it'd be good. It'd be fine.

It had to be.

He couldn't go back to how he'd been. Couldn't go back into the complete darkness. To ground zero and have to climb out all over again. He simply wouldn't survive a second fall from grace. He just needed to try harder. That was what was wrong with him He just hadn't been trying. Had been weak.

A wave of nausea hit hard and he stumbled slightly as the room spun out from under him. For one agonizing moment, he almost wished his demon blood would hurry up already and just let him go. To just let his mind fade into blackness where he didn't have to think or feel. Maybe, if he was lucky, someone would just kill him and all of this would be over.

Or maybe he should just kill himself and be done with it all.

Inhaling sharply, he froze the second that thought crossed his mind. Where had _that_ come from? The disgust he felt at himself brought the thought back around.

Leaning against the wall for support, he tried to stomp down the growing panic and shame he felt as those pervasive thoughts kept running through his mind. No matter how hard he tried to ignore them they kept coming like an uncontrollable tick in the back of his mind. That had never been an option he considered before. Never. And he'd never do that. He'd seen first hand how that affected people. He'd experienced first hand where that path led for the people who loved you. It destroyed them. Closing his eyes, he pushed himself upright and quickly headed back to Kagome's bed. He just needed to sleep was all. He had been getting better. Being ill was just a minor setback. Something that _didn't_ matter. That _wouldn't_ last. He just needed to stay positive. To keep moving forward.

Still, that thought continued to reverberate in his mind as he gingerly situated himself under the covers and drew his hands up against his chest. A few tears breaking free as he let out a shaky sigh.

 _"Go away,_ " he whispered hoarsely as though saying the words out loud would somehow get through his thick skull, _"Just go away."_


	19. Clutching my cure

Gramps sighed as he set the worn scrapbook down on his bedside table and pulled the phone into his lap. Amidst the various scrolls and papers long since forgotten, he had come across this testament to the life that once dwelled under this roof. Oh, the things his son had found and collected within those pages when he was younger. Literally anything even remotely related to youkai whether it be candy bar wrappers, advertising flyers or business cards had been crammed in each sleeve. The boy had dreamed of being a priest of old and fighting against fearsome demons. Spent countless hours twirling around sticks like weapons in the courtyard. Broken quite a few precious artifacts as the boy went but that was to be expected with children. If memory served correctly, when he was younger quite a few things had been broken as well.

While searching for reference to youkai disease, of which there were many troublesome tidbits to be sure, he had found this particular blast from the past. There was one picture drawn in crayon, however, that he didn't remember seeing but the figures it portrayed looked awfully familiar. A phone number too was scribbled along the bottom and it was that number he intended to call now. Whether this phone number would still be working more than thirty years later was unlikely but whomever had drawn this had either been a fortuneteller or had known that one day this picture would be found.

Why else would someone draw two children in dog and cat pajamas yelling at each other? Two children who bore a striking resemblance to a certain granddaughter and half-demon he knew. There had to be some meaning to this. Someone who knew help would be needed and wanted to lay breadcrumbs to follow. Someone who, hopefully, would know what to do with the poor boy who felt he had no place to belong. Who would knew where that place might be. Who may know what could be done to avoid the inevitable. Whomever was at the other end of the line had done left this picture with his son intentionally.

That or the person on the other end of the line just enjoyed drawing half-dog, half-cat people with weapons when they were young. A child who had wanted a friend and put his parent's number down so that he could be contacted for a playdate. Which, to be honest, was a possibility. The image _was_ rendered in crayon after all.

Letting out a soft sigh, gramps dialed the number on his antiquated rotary phone and held his breath.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Just take small sips," Mama soothed as she gently rubbed the trembling hanyou's back with one hand and held a bucket with the other, "You need to stay hydrated."

Inuyasha's crimson eyes glanced at Kagome's mother wearily before nodding and trying the chemical-tasting water. Almost immediately, the bucket was in use and fresh tears were stinging at his eyes.

"Just let it out," Mama hummed reassuringly as she reached up to gently hold his forelocks out of the line of fire. Sighing softly, she began glancing around Kagome's old room for some form of headband before shaking her head. Trying to get the already very insecure, unstable boy to wear something bright pink and extremely feminine would probably be a mistake. It was clear he already felt humiliated needing help in the first place. A part of her suspected this might be some type of flu, but she wasn't quite sure. Usually the vomit didn't flow quite as freely nor did the fever soar so high.

Sniffling slightly, as he pulled back, Inuyasha wiped off his mouth before casting a broken glance at the woman next to him.

"I…I was getting better, you know," he whispered shakily, "I figure you could tell I'm not… _myself_ ….because…because you…"

"Don't feel ashamed. It will just take time sweetheart," Mama soothed as she continued rubbing circles on his shoulder and he let out a shuddering sigh, "You're not going to feel like yourself again right away. What matters is that you're trying. No one expects anything more than that."

"Kagome does," Inuyasha sighed shakily before flinching and looking quite panicked, "Not….not that she's doing anything wrong. Its me. I…I should…"

"What makes you think Kagome expects you to do more?" Mama asked softly although she knew full well the damage her daughter had inflicted. Inuyasha absolutely looked panicked and full of regret but Mama kept her face soft and kind.

"She isn't doing anything wrong," Inuysha blurted out hoarsely as he averted his eyes, "She hasn't done anything wrong."

"That's not what I asked," Mama cooed as she cupped his chin and gently forced him to look at her, "I asked why you think she expects you to be different."

"Just look at me," Inuysha chuckled a little hysterically as a tear leaked out of his eye, "I've lost my mind. Of _course_ she didn't expect this."

"You won't always feel this way," Mama comforted before adding as she gently ran her thumb across his cheek, "And I don't think you're crazy."

Inuyasha wasn't sure what to say to that and it was apparently written all over his demonized features because Mama gave him a knowing look.

"You're not a burden, Inuyasha," she addressed his unspoken fear, "We know this won't last forever. When all of this is over, Kagome will still be here. I will still be here."

Inuyasha snorted and shook his head.

"During your quest, did Kagome ever abandon you when things were difficult?" Mama asked knowingly and Inuyasha sighed and weakly shook his head.

"So why do you think she would abandon you now?" she followed up and Inuyasha opened his mouth before closing it again. Why indeed? She'd literally seen him murder a whole bunch of bandits as a full demon and hugged him afterwards. Every time he'd turned full demon, when he literally lost his mind, she was still there afterwards. Did that mean Kagome wouldn't leave him?

His face softened and a ghost of a smile played on his lips.

"She wouldn't," he laughed softly in disbelief. For some reason, Mama's naturally accepting and loving aura along with the fact that he literally had no one else to talk to had the words leaving his mouth before he could stop them. Desperately seeking reassurance that everything would be okay despite how out of control he felt.

"I know she wouldn't...but nothing I do makes any difference," he sniffled miserably, "In fact it makes it _worse_ somehow. This isn't like before. I'll be okay and then not okay and now...now it's like...and I don't know how anything works here and..."

Mama sighed and knelt down in front of him - taking both of his hands in hers, "Is there anything I can do to make this transition easier for you?"

Biting his bottom lip to keep it from trembling, Inuyasha inhaled deeply several times to get his emotions under control after the shock from that simple question assaulted his frayed system.

"I didn't mean...s'just different here is all," Inuyasha managed hoarsely, "It never...it never bothered me before. I don't know why..."

Mama made a small noise of understanding.

"I wish I could see where you came from. I was always a little jealous when Kagome would go through the well," she laughed softly as she shook her head, "I miss the countryside. While I've gotten used to the city, I miss things being green."

"Yeah. You know trees..." Inuyasha mumbled distractedly as he felt himself begin to spiral but he stubbornly tried to force himself to stay calm.

"You know, there's a festival in the town where I grew up this weekend. Its a little distance away but the forest is beautiful this time of year," she hummed as she gently squeezed his hands, "Would you like to come with me?"

"There's forests in this time?" Inuyasha asked innocently as something Kagome had said on his first day back suddenly popped into his head. It was foggy for whatever reason but she'd said something about moving to the country. Of settling down outside the city.

"In some places," Mama acknowledged, "People don't appreciate nature nowadays. Especially not in the city. I used to spend _hours_ just wandering as a child listening to the birds."

Inuyasha smiled faintly at the nostalgia that statement invoked.

"I'll have to ask Kagome," he sniffled before freeing one of his hands and rubbing his nose, "She might have stuff we're supposed to do."

"We can ask her tonight," Mama offered and he nodded before a wave of nausea hit him and a clawed hand shot out to pull the bucket back just in time. Luckily, Mama saw the warning signs and had moved.

"Would you like me to get some medicine to help with the nausea?" she asked quietly and Inuyasha's shoulders sagged before he nodded weakly.

"Go ahead. Just bring it all," he sighed hoarsely in defeat as he accepted his fate. Just a few short hours ago, he'd rejected all pills and liquid goops to save whatever pride he had left but at this point, he'd accept anything that made this shit stop. If she wanted to drug him, she could drug him all she wanted. Maybe there was a pill to fix his mind too that she could give him. Kagome had said those existed.

"Are there…" he tried weakly as watery crimson eyes looked at the matriarch, "Do you have any medicines for…for…"

He tapped his temple to show what he meant and searched her face before looking extremely defeated when she gave him a pitying glance.

"Unfortunately I don't have any I can give you," she reassured him softly, "But they do exist. Maybe we can find a doctor to see whether they think you need something like that."

"How can a doctor tell what's in your head?" Inuyasha asked weakly hoping that she wouldn't lash out at his primitive knowledge but instead she merely smiled reassuringly.

"You remember me telling you about counselors?"

Inuysha nodded and looked slightly more hopeful.

"There are also doctors who are similar to counselors. Those are called psychiatrists. By talking to them, they figure out what's going on in your head. What can be done to help. Sometimes with medicine and sometimes in other ways," Mama explained kindly, "Counselors can't give medicine but psychiatrists can."

Opening his mouth to ask a follow up question, his face suddenly turned sickly shade of green before he lurched forward and missed the bucket by _that_ much.

Deflating visibly, Inuyasha found himself biting back tears as he stared down at the very vile looking puddle and began trying to get down to do something about it.

"It happens dear. Don't worry," Mama laughed as she gently encouraged him to get back on the bed, "You are not the first to miss nor will you be the last."

"I can…"

"I am _more_ than capable of doing it myself, Inuyasha," she teased lightly and he gave her a slightly exasperated look that only had her grin widening.

"I know you _can_ do it. I just meant…" he groused as he yanked a tissue of the box and began lightly trying to mop up some of the vomit that had gotten on his general person.

"I know dear."

Inuyasha chuckled darkly as he closed his eyes and swallowed down some bile. Even in the darkness it felt like the room was spinning out from under him. Whatever was happening to him was making him use every ounce of fight he had left in him in keeping down the limited contents of his stomach and the dark cloud was having a field day in his muddled mind.

 _Yeah_ , it whispered, _there are doctors for humans but not for you. Whatever they suggest won't work on half-demons and you're going to wear Kagome down over time. This isn't like before. S'not like you're a full demon who'll be normal by the end of the day. She's already tired of you and it hasn't even been a week. You're broken. You're pathetic. Worth..._

"Kagome should be home soon," Mama interrupted his thoughts as she paused in the doorframe, "Why don't you both stay here tonight? We have a guest room with a bed that should be big enough for both of you."

This offering had Inuyasha blushing furiously as his eyes bugged. Sure they had been living together but they weren't _married_. I mean, it was obvious they were fucking but how could she just come out and...

"I consider you married Inuyasha," Mama laughed softly at the look of horror playing out on his face, "There's nothing wrong with sharing a bed with your wife."

That statement alone made Inuyasha want to curl up and die. She was wrong. They weren't married. Mama _knew_ they weren't married. Hell he'd called off the wedding a few days ago. Shouldn't she be mad that he was dishonoring her daughter? That...that...

Gagging, he couldn't finish that thought as he yanked the bucket in front of his face and puked for the umpteenth time that day. God he really was the most despicable being that ever lived. At least villains didn't pretend to be something they weren't. He was just as bad as Naraku, probably killed just as many, probably was just as greedy and selfish and...and...

The sickening voice in the back of mind reverberated around in his mind.

They really would all be better without someone like him dragging them down and wasting their time.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Stupid train," Kagome huffed as she bounced impatiently on the platform. While most people would think no phone calls in a similar circumstance was a good thing, the lack of communication was driving her insane. Sure he had not called but he also wasn't answering the cell phone _now_. Hopefully it was because he was sleeping or maybe he'd forgotten his phone instead of crying on his own. While he seemed better this morning, he had looked a little pale and his skin looked a little flushed. Nothing worrisome and it was probably more of a heated blush given that kiss but still something about it made her expect a phone call. He had been trying so, _so_ hard these past few days. Managing to pull himself out of whatever funk he was in if only for a brief breath of air. But still...

Kagome wasn't stupid. She knew whatever was happening was definitely not going to just disappear overnight but now she was feeling like she actually had some tools to take some control over the situation.

Out of sheer desperation and in her first real moment alone, the former miko called an old friend during her lunch hour. Her newly licensed psychiatric social worker friend who she trusted with her life. It was strange that they'd become so close. Why it hadn't occurred to Kagome to call Ayumi right away baffled even her. Sure, there had been a lot going on but she knew beyond a reasonable doubt if she told Ayumi the truth about the well and where she'd actually been in high school, the girl would believe her. Especially if she threw in some attacks - both spiritual and demonic for good measure. It might melt Ayumi's brain a little but she'd get over it. Especially considering how supportive Kagome had been after her baby had been born.

That was the entire reason Kagome got birth control in the first place. A _shocking_ impulsive decision to sleep her boyfriend and **_bam_** once (maybe twice) was all it took. Family disowned her. Boyfriend bailed. Friends judged harshly until only Kagome remained. The amount of times she or Mama or Souta babysat for free was borderline obscene. Souta's old clothes were even donated to the cause. But Ayumi was incredibly resilient and managed to be a mother, finish college, get her license and keep trucking. Her son was absolutely adorable to boot and many times when they had studied together his little burbles made their stress melt away.

It helped that Ayumi had been the only friend who actually _liked_ Inuyasha back in the day. All Kagome had told her was that they reconnected and decided to get married right away. The former miko had definitely gotten an earful for not inviting her and Kagome's penance was to pay for a babysitter for their next girl's night and also during Inuyasha's therapy sessions.

That was if he agreed to them anyway.

But worst case, some advice had been given. Tips that might be able to calm him during panic attacks. Not that Kagome had expanded on everything going on. She'd stuck with the most basic of symptoms. Hopefully the true depth of Inuyasha's problems wouldn't drive Ayumi away. God knows they needed all the help they could get.

Still, regardless of this step in the right direction, today still felt like the longest day ever. Hopefully nothing bad happened and Inuyasha just fell asleep while watching Godzilla. That he hadn't called because nothing of interest happened. That the worst was behind them and it'd only be up from here.

But she was going to keep her hopes more realistic. If he _did_ have a bad day, she needed to be supportive. She needed to be better and put in more effort. To be patient and not push so hard. To not focus on what was and accept what is. If it was her in his place, Inuyasha would have been bending over backwards to make her feel better. He would _never_ give up fighting for her.

So she was not about to give up on him.


	20. I Tightly Lock the Door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dissociation is a psychological experience in which people feel disconnected from their sensory experience, sense of self, or personal history. It is usually experienced as a feeling of intense alienation or unreality, in which the person suddenly loses their sense of where they are, who they are, of what they are doing. Dissociation is an experience where you may feel disconnected from yourself and/or your surroundings. Similar to flashbacks, dissociation may range from temporarily losing touch with things that are going on around you, kind of like what happens when you daydream, to having no memories for a prolonged period of time and/or feeling as though you are outside of your body.

It hadn't hurt. Not at first. When the pain did finally hit, it hit hard. It felt like someone had taken a white-hot iron and branded him with it. Melting flesh and bone, intensifying with each ragged breath. Jarring. Brutal.

And then it was gone. All feeling washing out of him in one fell swoop. Never in his life had he felt such relief. Or such fear.

"...transform?"

"How should I know? You need to be less concerned about me and more concerned about judgment day," a voice that sounded suspiciously like his own echoed in his ears. Distant and almost foreign. Then the world went black. His consciousness locked away in a void. It was pleasant in a way. Here there were no pain. No worries. Just quiet. Calm.

And then the pain flooded back tenfold, and he found himself face down in the dirt.

"Inuyasha?" Kagome's worried voice filtered down into his muddled, agony riddled mind, "Are you awake?"

Inhaling sharply, which was quite a feat seeing as he could barely breathe, gummy eyes forced themselves open and desperately tried to lock onto her face. It was a dream. Well most of it anyway. The pain was real enough.

"Hey," he managed to wheeze before he realized how late it was and he groaned as he rolled onto his back, "Must've dozed off."

"Yeah," Kagome replied hoarsely as she let out a dry sob. That sound had a knot growing in his stomach. Heart faltering in his chest, he tried to take inventory of his body and what he found gave him the answer long before he found the courage to ask the question.

"How long have I been out?"

Her breathing hitched and for a moment, he wasn't sure she was going to answer him. When she finally did, he almost wished she lied.

"A week," she finally whispered, "You've...you've been asleep for a week."

"Wha-"

Closing his eyes, Inuyasha desperately tried to hold his panic and terror at bay. Every muscle in his body began to twitch and tremble as his breathing became shallower. That couldn't be right. It just couldn't. He'd never been out that long. Not once. Even when he'd been injured almost beyond repair.

" _Shhhhhhh_ , it's okay," Kagome soothed as she pressed a cold rag against his forehead. He flinched away. Vaguely he registered the tear sliding down his cheek as a persistent ringing began blaring in his ears and for whatever reason, even behind his closed eyelids, everything suddenly seemed _yellow_. Every image in his mind's eye tinted as they flickered and raced. The memories were indiscriminate. Focusing on every injury. Every battle. Looking for something, _anything_ to blame but himself. But the truth remained. Somehow this was his fault.

His heart contracted and faltered in his chest and it was becoming increasingly harder to breathe.

"Hey, do you remember..." Kagome cleared her throat, "Do you remember that time when Shippo glued your hand to that statue?"

Startled, Inuyasha swallowed thickly and nodded. His chest heaving as he struggled for air. Where the hell did that come from? Of all the random things to say...

"Why do you think that worked so well? I've always wondered," Kagome continued in a slightly more hopeful tone. Letting out several shuddering breaths, Inuyasha lolled his head towards her and frowned as he thought extremely hard about the incident. Panting heavily, he tried to focus his blurry vision on her as his mouth moved wordlessly.

"I guess," he began in between gasping breaths, "Kid was...kid was stronger. Than...we thought. Got lazy..."

Despite himself, his lips twitched upwards into a sad little smile.

"Got...got lazy with...with us...protecting him...all the time," he concluded hoarsely as his breathing began to even out.

"Is that why you were so hard on him? You thought he was being lazy?" Kagome hummed as she smiled tearfully at him and gently moved the cold cloth against his neck.

"Dunno," he panted as he tried to stave off the growing nausea, "Found him...annoying I guess. Probably should've...should've been nicer."

"We all could've been nicer," Kagome agreed as she scratched lightly at his chest with her unoccupied hand, "After all, I slammed you into the ground all the time. That wasn't very nice."

A piece of the dream came back to him and he sighed.

"You did sit me a lot. For no reason," Inuyasha teased - his throat burning as the words left his lips - before he amended, "Well sometimes. Sometimes I probably deserved it."

When the cold cloth grazed his ear lobe, it finally occurred to him that tonight was his human night. Maybe that was why everything looked off initially. Why that yellow film was there, and his head was swimming. Swallowing thickly again, another tear slid down his cheek as he closed his eyes.

"I'm human," he sighed shakily.

"I was thinking," she began softly - a little more confident than she sounded a few moments before, "Would you be comfortable if I tried to use my powers to try to heal you some?"

"To purify me?" Inuyasha panted as the irrational panic began growing in his chest again despite the knowledge it wouldn't hurt in this form.

"I would _never_ do that," Kagome reassured him as she gripped his hand and squeezed, "Just to _heal_. While you're human. But if you don't want me to do that, I won't, okay?"

InuYasha already congested nose suddenly felt even more obstructed as he let out a soft sob. The crushing weight of realizing how close he must have been to dying finally registering in his mind. That's why his youkai was surging. Trying to fight whatever had gotten him. Of all the moments. He had been getting better dammit. Finally, _finally_ he had been feeling like himself again and then...

"I was getting better," he whimpered - tears sliding down his cheek as he tightly squeezed her hand in return. With a soft shaky sigh, Kagome kissed his forehead.

"This won't last forever," Kagome hummed in a strained tone, "Getting sick is normal. You just needed rest. Just let me take care of you, okay?"

That was the biggest lie he'd ever heard come out of her mouth, but it'd be a lie of his own to say that it wasn't comforting that she wasn't too worried. Inhaling as deeply as he could to get even a little of her scent, a tangy rust suddenly began to filter into his nose. Muted but there.

"Oh fuck," he choked as he officially forgot how to breathe. He'd hurt her. He had turned and he had hurt her. Faint memories began flickering in his mind, accelerating, and growing in strength. Kagome hadn't been the only person he'd hurt either. Every worst fear was suddenly validated, tumbling unchecked in a mental free fall. Fear froze every sense, every bit of awareness except the scent of blood and those memories. His mind flat lining as he struggled to analyze, calm himself or even cope on a most basic level.

"Breathe Inuyasha," Kagome crooned calmly as she gently laid her hand over his pounding heart, "In."

Her fingers flexed gently before splaying out over his exposed skin. So many things he wasn't aware of. Was he wearing anything? When did this happen? What _had_ happened?

"Out. In. Out," she continued to croon, and his chest arched as he struggled to find air.

"I need...to go..." he tried as his consciousness flickered and his hand shot up to clench hers like a lifeline only to find it missing. Like there was a chunk of time lost to the wind. He was vaguely aware that his cheek now rested against something soft and warm. A steady thrumming against his cheek. The feeling was weirdly soothing, and he tried to focus on it. It was calm and rhythmic. Nostalgic almost. The sound was familiar. Peaceful. Slowly it became easier to breathe and his body sagged as some of the tension left his locked, rigid muscles. Something was putting pressure on his scalp. Massaging gently as a new sound hit his ears. A soft song maybe?

The feeling of skin on skin suddenly registered. Running up and down his back. It was so strange. Like this wasn't his body. It didn't feel like his body. In a strange, impossible way, he felt like he was a bystander watching the scene as it unfolded. Almost like he had just entered a river without the sensation of being wet. Whatever was happening, wasn't happening to him. Somehow that made it easier. To be so detached from the bad that it didn't seem real at all.

And it was becoming easier to breathe. A soft sigh of relief escaped him as some of the pain ebbed as well.

"I love you." she whispered and for some reason, those words had another choked sob escaping his lips. This too was strange. He knew it was him , knew on some level that he had made that sound, but it felt like he was merely narrating this experience. Watching this unfold like the movies he had seen on the television screen. A person trying to describe a dream with the same effectiveness of holding water in your hand.

"I'm going to go," he breathed and then he waited. Perhaps this body would follow that command. Perhaps he was the one in control and was just pulling the strings.

"I would like for you to stay," came her soft reply and this non-demand seemed to push that thought from his mind even as another one replaced it. Truth be told, his muddled mind seemed disconnected. Unable to focus on any one thing and being overwhelmed by the sudden assault of literally everything around him. Cars in the distance. The sound of electricity and water running through the walls. The infuriating sound of a fan that echoed in his human ears. Things he shouldn't be able to hear right now but was hearing _anyway_. None of it made any sense and he was fast losing the ability to make sense of any of it. His thoughts disconnected and jumbled. Unablr to tell up from down. Right from left. Swirling and twisting and...and then just like that a whoosh of numbness assaulted his senses and he felt disconnected. Objective. Impartial. Whatever she said honestly wouldn't affect him at all. It would've concerned him except it suddenly felt like nothing concerned him. It was almost a relief.

"Would it be okay if I held you for a little bit?" Kagome asked timidly and he nodded. It honestly didn't matter whether she did. Nothing seemed to matter. It was almost like that dream. His mind blissfully blank as he stared unseeing at the world around him. And then a moment later he vomited and suddenly feeling returned full force. Like he was slammed painfully back into his body after floating out in space. That irritating yellow film was back as was the ringing in his ears. As the vomit continued pouring out of his mouth, he felt her flinch and groan, but she didn't move. The only reaction was that her hand merely pressed firmly against his back.

"Would you like to change? Take a bath?" she offered in a forced tone. The body he inhabited did feel rather disgusting. Nodding, he waited.

"Okay, I'm going to change and then I'll help you," she soothed before he suddenly felt something burning him. Searing his veins as his entire body screamed in protest. It was a few moments later he realized the screaming wasn't limited to the unspoken pain.

"Inuyasha? Oh shit I..." he heard her breathe in mild panic even as the pain intensified and then it was gone. And his mind left with it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"You have **three** new messages and **four** saved messages. Message received January 6th at 1:43 pm. ' _Good afternoon. I must have reached your office by mistake. My apologies.'._ Do you want to save this message? Message Saved. Message received January 8th at 8:16 pm. _'This is no coincidence. If this truly is a veterinary clinic, do not feel the need to call back. However, if this is a demon run clinic, this is Kanata Higurashi of the Higurashi Shrine. Please come immediately.'_ Do you want to save this message? Message saved. Message received January 11th at 2:35 am. ' _Hi. This...this is Kagome_ _Higurashi_. _You might not know me but.._."

Cursing softly, an ebony haired man gently lowered the phone. It had taken him a moment all those decades ago. To put the pieces together. Kagome had disappeared. Inuyasha had disappeared. All these centuries he'd assumed they died, and he had hated the mutt for it. Truly and _fully_ hated him. That worthless bastard had let Kagome die. Probably offed himself over the guilt. He'd heard rumors over the years. That Inuyasha appeared to be dying in the months before his disappearance. His mind has done mental backflips trying to come up with an explanation and settled on weakness of the spirit. It wasn't until he'd come across a young boy who smelled _so_ much like her. Who looked _so_ much like her. That it finally made sense. Kagome had never been from that era. Her clothes similar to what school children had begun to wear. Her language and behavior so different. Kagome had never died at all.

He had hoped anyway. He had hoped that he could one day see for himself. Had sent his grandson over to engage the young boy and give him a message that one day might be received. Based upon a faded, abused picture he'd found discarded near the village that had been the pair's home a few years after their disappearance. There could be no mistaking who those two characters might be. Who they'd assume drew it.

Eventually, though, as the clock continued ticking, he'd cane to the logical conclusion the drawing had been lost and yet he'd continued paying the bill for this landline. It would be for the best if it never rang. That there would be no reason for someone to go looking. He didn't want to have to be the one to tell them everyone they knew who might be here was dead. The damn plague that had wiped out the majority of demon kind having stolen their child's life. He knew the pain all too well. More of his tribe had been decimated than Naraku could ever have hoped to accomplish. Putting Ayame to rest had been the lowest point of his life. There had been no rhyme or reason to it. Anyone could be affected. It did not discriminate based on species or strength. The disease merely killed some and not others. Every so many decades it'd mutate and come back until they could get it under control again.

He'd assumed the mutt had probably already been infected once he realized what happened. It would explain Inuyasha's sudden disappearance. Why he appeared to be dying. The mutt has been in constant close proximity. Perhaps being a half-demon, it was merely delayed? Or maybe it had been something else. A rumor that was just a rumor. Nothing more. Nothing less. But now he was receiving these calls.

Of all the weeks to have gone on vacation.

Koga sighed heavily again as he glanced around at the bustling clinic. He'd named it after Ayame's nickname for the pups. Simple yet confidence building and intimidating. Used by her family for generations and it did have a nice ring to it. And their slogan had been invented by Ginta's daughter who took the place of beta when her father passed. Perhaps not the most creative but it definitely got the message across.

_'Kowai Koinu Clinic. Teaching tricks and treating ticks for all your little Youkai since 1902.'_

Now granted, while they did actually have a veterinarian on staff to treat human pets their primary purpose was as a doctor's office for the few thousand y oukai still milking about. In fact, they were one of the foremost, if not the only, clinic of that kind in Japan. It provided care. Was a center for disease control and research. The wolf pack had other businesses, of course. A boarding school in the country. A fishing enterprise in the south. A manufacturing and distribution center for youkai related products. Everything and anything the surviving members of their race needed; the wolf pack made a company to provide. And employ. While the other powerful tribes had been decimated, if not completely annihilated, the wolf pack had survived largely intact. Able to organize those who were left into a modicum of structure and stability. There were still a few rouge youkai but for the most part, they stayed isolated. And yet it wasn't a monopoly. Almost all demons had some stake in the company. All tribes left were on the board of directors for one thing or another. Whatever divided them in the past was left there and the community as a whole profited from their cohesiveness.

Pushing open the swinging door leading to the portion of the clinic reserved for employees, Koga glanced in the office of someone who was also familiar with the family at hand. Someone who had managed to discover and develop a treatment that kept another wave from wiping out those who remained. Entering and closing the door behind him, Koga waited a moment as one of the nurses passed by before speaking.

"What are you doing here? I thought you weren't supposed to be back until..."

"I need you to do a home call. Tonight."

"This late? I was about to go home. Can't it wait until tomorrow?"

"There's risk of an outbreak."

The large mottled half-demon's eyes widened in horror.

"There hasn't been a documented case in over a decade," he breathed before immediately turning back towards his computer and typing furiously, "The last case wasn't even in this region. Do we have this person's records? Were they not vaccinated? Or is this a relapse?"

"We don't have their records, but I can assure you they have not been vaccinated and probably never had it before," Koga laughed darkly, "I think you'll understand once you arrive."

Glancing over his shoulder, Jineji pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

"It's not one of those isolationists or an anti-vaxxer is it? I swear every time there..."

"That's not what I meant," the wolf sighed as he moved to sit down in one of the office's chairs, "I think you'll want to take a charm with you."

"I _always_ have mine on me," Jineji clipped back, "Unlike _you_ my appearance is off putting to the majority of the population."

"Well you'll want to take it off once you get there," Koga advised and Jineji huffed as he spun his office chair to face the wolf head on.

"You _will_ tell me what's going on and you will tell me _now_."


	21. I try to catch my breath again

Gramps had taken to sitting on the bench beneath the Sacred Tree these past few nights and glaring up into its branches. What had his ancestors done to be cursed in such a way? When he around ten, his own father had died. His son too was young when _his_ mother died. Kagome left fatherless at the age of five. And now this. With a dark chuckle, he half wondered whether his granddaughter was pregnant. It seemed with each death the children got younger and younger. This one might as well lose their parent in utero. 

Perhaps he was getting ahead of himself. The boy had barely been here two weeks. And that time had been difficult for everyone involved. It seemed all too cruel that the pair would be reunited only to die from an illness. Predictable, in a way, but cruel nonetheless. The thought had occurred to him that one of the first things they should do is get the boy vaccinated. Visiting a few days here and there was one thing but living here full time was another entirely. 

“Is this the Higuarashi shrine?” a deep hesitant voice suddenly murmured in the darkness and Gramps nearly died of a heart attack. Holding a single hand over his racing heart, the elderly man gazed upon the newcomer with wide slightly frightened eyes before relaxing.

“I apologize but the shrine is closed for repairs at the moment,” Gramps cleared his throat as he got to his feet and gave the man a very forced smile, “It is also after hours so…”

“I received a call from a Kanata Higuarashi,” the man continued quietly as he held up a small briefcase, “My name is Dr. Bushida. I’m from the Kowai Koinu Clinic. I apologize for the delay. We did not receive…”

Wilting visibly, something suddenly occurred to the old man and he almost wanted to die on the spot. This man was human. Perhaps middle aged. Well-kempt, strangely good looking but balding. There was something about him too that screamed danger. Had he engaged a demon slayer? That would just be the cherry on top now, wouldn’t it? Attempt to call for help and then the very beings who sought to rid the world of youkai were offered up a defenseless boy on a silver platter.

“What is your purpose here?” Gramps asked in a slightly defensive tone as he glanced up at his granddaughter’s window and hobbled with surprising speed to stand between the man and the house.

“There is no reason to be afraid,” the man offered as he glanced down at himself, “I am familiar with young Kagome and Inuyasha. My appearance may be _unseemly_ but…”

“I beg your pardon?” Gramps interjected as he furrowed his brow in confusion and the man blushed furiously.

“I’m a half-demon?” the man proffered sounding suddenly unsure before clearing his throat and shaking his head, “As well as an infectious disease expert. Inuyasha has fallen ill, has he not?”

“Oh thank goodness,” Gramps laughed shakily as he turned and began hurrying towards the house, “Yes. Yes he has. Come quickly.”

The man followed and began asking a quick series of questions.

“He’s had his symptoms for a week. Fevers, chills, nausea, vomiting, difficulty breathing,” the man stated more than asked and Gramps nodded, “Has Kagome attempted any purification?”

Gramps paused and glanced over his shoulder.

“Purification? Why would she do that?” the elder asked suspiciously as he gave the man a once over. He too paused and cringed.

“The virus is demonic in origin,” the newcomer began slowly, “It wiped out most of our kind about a little more than a century ago. By the end of the First World war, there were only about a thousand of us left. Maybe less. The subsequent wars lowered our numbers further still.”

“Wouldn’t purification kill demons?” Gramps hissed acidly as he tried to hold himself a little taller.

“Normally yes,” the man sighed as he strangely began playing with his hands in a very insecure fashion, “I had always been an herbalist. A healer. My situation is much like theirs. I too married a miko. Together we managed, after much trial and error, to come up with a treatment that has since been perfected.”

The man began to fidget anxiously and hyper-focused on the ground like it was suddenly very interesting.

“Does the illness…” Gramps let out a shuddering breath as he moved a little closer with hope in his eyes, “Does it affect the mind?”

“Sometimes it causes hallucinations,” the suddenly shy man glanced up before quickly averting his eyes, “Due to the fever. Has he, um, been having those?”

“Not that I’m aware,” Gramps sighed dejectedly, “Inuyasha has…has not been adjusting well.”

“How so?”

“I think it’ll make more sense if you speak with him,” the old man continued, “I would call them panic attacks but I believe it is much more than that. He’s spiraling.”

“When I first learned of his disappearance, I went to the village,” the man offered sadly, “In retrospect, what they described was most likely depression.”

“Depression,” Gramps chuckled darkly, “I think that’s far too simple an explanation.”

“Yes,” the man replied in barely more than a whisper, “Yes I imagine it would be.”

“If you have doctors,” Gramps cleared his throat, “Perhaps you have psychiatrists as well?”

“Just one,” the man offered, “In the country. Retired but I imagine he’ll make an exception if it is as you say.”

“One,” Gramps repeated skeptically and the man sighed.

“Medication does not work for our kind,” the man explained sadly, “For half-demons it is more effective but rarely. Dr. Masaki had hoped for better results when medication for humans was first released and entered that profession but unfortunately, treatment was often unsuccessful. His personality was not very conducive for therapy and he found it beneath him in any case. Not many have gone to him for that purpose and so he retired.”

“That was a very through explanation,” Gramps chuckled and the man flinched.

“I apologize,” he murmured, “I have a tendency to…”

“No need to apologize,” Gramps reassured him, “There’s…”

A sudden scream of pain followed by a scream of terror had both men whipping their eyes towards the second-floor window.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Bitter cold and rain - such a miserable combination. The rain had fallen steadily without let up since he left his village. The bare bones of the trees drooping slightly under the weight of the semi-frozen droplets. Every surface, every blade of grass and twig were growing long ice crystals. And yet Jineji had felt the need to visit his old friends. Rumors had reached him that both Kagome and Inuyasha had disappeared without a trace. Some stories spoke of death. Others blamed dark magic. It was after the third version of events reached his ears that he set out to discover the truth for himself. Just the thought of his strong friends having died felt like a thousand daggers in his heart.

It was the small gravestones at the edge of the village that did him in. His large body sank to its knees at the marked graves, not caring for the damp mud that dirtied his clothing. His tears mingled with the rain but somehow he managed to stay relatively quiet. They had done so much for him. Saved him. And then to die so young. It was entirely unfair that two beings who had lived such extraordinary lives, who had helped so many, would have their lives ended so short. Cruel even. Was this the gods’ way of rewarding good deeds? Or was it their way of punishing the lives of half-demons? Cursed from the moment they drew their first breath.

“May I ask who you are?” came a weary male voice and Jineji flinched. He should have known better than to have come here but he had hoped….

“I came to pray for them,” he whispered – his usual insecure, shy manner momentarily abandoned, “I mean your village no harm.”

“To pray,” the monk repeated quietly and Jineji nodded as more tears fell out of his bug-like eyes.

“If it is any consolation, they are not dead,” Miroku offered after a long moment, “I only placed the gravestones here to assuage my own grief. To create a permanent place in this word where we could visit. Relatively permanent anyway.”

“You say they are not dead and yet you grieve. Where have they gone?” Jineji sniffled and Miroku sighed before turning back towards the village.

“You must be cold. Come, my wife has just finished preparing dinner,” the monk offered kindly and so the half-demon followed.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Kagome sobbed as she frantically tried to make sure Inuyasha was still breathing, “I know you said no but…but I just thought if you didn’t know you…I just…I’m so, so sorry.”

“Move,” came a strangely familiar voice as a surprisingly solid hand gently pushed her out of the way. Shellshocked and utterly numb, it was all Kagome could do to remain standing as she watched what was probably a hallucination begin fumbling with a large bag and removing various medical looking instruments.

“Jin…Jineji?” Kagome whispered hoarsely before glancing at her grandfather who had followed shortly behind him, “You…you’re still alive?”

“There will be time for explanations later,” the half-demon replied warily as he began preparing some type of injection and began prodding Inuyasha’s arm for a vein, “I apologize for not coming sooner.”

“I tried to…I tried to see if purifying him would help,” Kagome offered as tears continued streaming down her cheeks. Burying her face in her hands, she sobbed openly, “I didn’t…he was human. I didn’t know it would hurt him. I really didn’t.”

Jineji didn’t comment as he finished the injection and began preparing a dose of a different liquid.

“It is fortunate he’s currently unconscious,” their old friend sighed shakily, “The side-effects are usually unpleasant.”

“So…so you’ve seen this before?” she asked and Jineji nodded.

“Its treatable,” he offered as he grabbed an alcohol wipe and cleaned a portion of Inuyasha’s upper arm before pausing and glancing over his shoulder, “Don’t be afraid. The virus does not affect humans.”

“But he didn’t get better,” Kagome whispered as she wiped away a few tears, “When he turned human I mean. He didn’t…”

“Half-demons are tricky,” the man laughed softly as he quickly injected the second dose of whatever, “Even when human a trace of youkai remains. Just enough for the virus to live.”

“Oh,” was all Kagome could think to say as she blindly reached for a chair and sank down into it, “So…so he’ll get better then?”

“I’ll have to examine him more fully to see whether the prognosis is good,” Jineji replied vaguely, “In the meantime, perhaps someone in your family could accompany him to the country. The city is a breeding ground. Until he has been vaccinated, the risk of relapse and exposure is too high.”

“I quit my job,” Kagome mumbled before glancing at her grandfather who didn’t react other than giving her an understanding look, “Friday was my last day. I’ll go with him.”

“What is your profession?” Jineji asked as he looked over the other various item he brought with him. It was a clear attempt to distract her and Kagome would be lying if she said she wasn’t grateful for the gesture.

“I’m a teacher. A physics teacher,” the former miko sighed shakily and Jineji nodded.

“I thought so,” he chuckled knowingly, “You applied for a position at a middle school in the country did you not? Raised several eyebrows. There are quite a few still living who recognized the name but thought it impossible.”

“They rejected my application,” Kagome replied bitterly before startling and shaking her head, “No, wait. Ignore me. I’m just…”

“I’m not offended,” Jineji reassured her as he began prodding Inuyasha’s lymph nodes with a small frown, “I am only familiar with the circumstances. It was a wonder you found the listing at all. It was meant for demons and their spouses. How did you find it?”

“Where else do you find jobs? The internet,” Kagome sighed as she watched Inuyasha’s face. His brow would twitch every so often, his jaw jumping, his eyes dancing behind their lids. His skin was pale and slightly green as well. He looked awful. He looked like he was dying.

“He’ll be okay though, right?” she whispered and the attending physician shook his head, “I don’t know. He needs to be hospitalized. I’ll arrange for transportation in the morning.”

“Okay, I…I should probably get some clothes,” she mumbled as she unsteadily got to her feet, “And…and probably some sleep. Will…will you stay with him?”

Jineji nodded.

“Don’t take him anywhere without me,” she pleaded softly and he nodded again.

“You have my word young Kagome. I owe much to you two. I will not break your trust.”


	22. I hurt much more than any time before

Inuyasha lay quietly, keeping his eyes closed and matching his breaths with the incessant beeping of machines that surrounded his bed. The only indication of his heartbeat. Of his existence. The hospital room was as cold as dead skin; the hallway reeking of illness. It had only been a week but every second here felt like a nightmare his nightmares were having while they slept.

Every time he opened his eyes the world looked like a time lapse photo – the remnants of where people had once been lingering long after they left the room in blurred lines. His mind jumping from one topic to the next topic without warning. Sometimes he cried and wasn’t sure why he was crying – made worse by the fact the presence of _certain_ people who weren’t worth naming. And then other times still, he felt like he couldn’t breathe in a way that had nothing to do with his illness and his heart wanted to beat out of his chest.

He just couldn’t win, could he? If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. There had been so many times he wished he wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Sleep was the only escape he had anymore. Life itself had become a reverse nightmare except when you wake up from a nightmare there’s this sense of relief. Instead, he was waking up from a brief reprieve into a nightmare.

Shippo had died from whatever this latest bullshit was along with a dozen or so other allies they’d had.

Kagome had quit her job to stay with him full time and she was in the process of moving out of her apartment and back to the shrine – officially demonstrating how fully he’d fucked up her life. Oh, and he’d managed to take a good chunk of her arm when he woke up in sheer panic because he was in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people with tubes and needles and shit stuck to him for no known reason and he hurt and…and…

Kagome did what she _always_ did and tried to calm him down. Before he could get control of himself, he’d managed to slash her arm. It was a miracle he didn’t break it or tear the damn thing off.

Oh, and after the Kagome incident, he was now tied down. Very, _very_ securely. And he’d refused to see her since then.

It was miserable.

It was hell.

And all he wanted to do was go home.

But where was home now?

“Inuyasha,” came the most irritating voice in the world as he heard the large crocodile sit down on one of the visitor’s chairs, “I understand you’ve been having difficulty focusing these past few days. And you’ve been refusing to see your wife.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Inuyasha spat venomously. It had been a stupid thing to say he wanted to speak with a counselor. He had put in an effort at first. Really he’d tried as much as he was able but then the guy kept pushing him to share more and he just didn’t have answers to his questions and it just made him feel _so_ much worse. How could he possibly trust him with things he couldn’t even tell Kagome? For all Inuyasha knew, this guy was having him tell him things to use against him later. Or worse, going around telling every other demon still living these things. At least with a _human_ therapist, there was no chance that person would know someone he had to deal with. He was now stuck in a world filled with the same thousand or so people he’d have to deal with for the rest of his life.

“There is no shame in admitting weakness,” the crocodile sighed as he ignored the insult, “Or admitting that there is something wrong.”

“I’d be _fine_ if someone would just let me out of this hellhole,” Inuyasha huffed before swallowing thickly and trying to calm himself down. It was clear the only reason they still had him here was because they all thought he was batshit crazy. Which was fair. A bitter pill to swallow but fair. That and he was fairly sure they were keeping him in here until he let Kagome in here but _why_ would he let Kagome in here? He _was_ batshit crazy and because of that he had hurt her – _badly_. Literally the littlest thing could set him off and he was completely out of control in a world he didn’t understand and which sure as _hell_ didn’t understand him.

Besides, there was something wrong with this new society youkai had created here. He was sure of it. How did one little illness suddenly make everyone hold hands and get along? How many battles had he fought against ancestors of these fuckers? How many had he killed? And to top it all off, there were priests and priestesses in the mix too. Like those bastards hadn’t made it their life mission to eradicate youkai for centuries. This illness was probably created by them and when it failed to kill _everyone_ , they just gave up. If you can’t kill them, join them.

“I’ll speak with the administration about removing the restraints and going home,” the crocodile promised in that same half-hiss, half-bored tone of his before he changed the subject, “I know you’re apprehensive about sharing with me but as I’ve told you before, there are laws in place that prevent me from sharing anything from these sessions. I would never share anything without your permission.”

“Forgive me if I’m skeptical,” Inuyasha snorted, “What do you want me to say? I had a shit childhood. I had a shit life and everything only seems to get _shittier_? What could you _possibly_ say to change things that can’t be changed?”

“My purpose here is not to change the past. It is to understand the issues at hand and assist you in finding a way to cope with these issues. To help you achieve the life you want to achieve,” the crocodile sighed in a wheezy way that had Inuyasha cringing, “My purpose is also to explore all options. I’ve mentioned before that medication…”

“I don’t want to be drugged,” the half-demon cut him off angrily and he heard his heart rate increase on the machine. Taking a deep breath, he wanted until it returned to its usual rhythm before continuing, “I’ve seen what drugs do to people. They zone out and lose track of themselves. I don’t want that.”

“And that’s understandable. Medication is a last resort for our kind in any case but it can help lessen what you’re going through,”the doctor soothed and Inuyasha wrinkled his nose. 

“I’m sure it would,” he snorted softly, “I’m sure it really helps you check out.”

Kagome had said that she’d been warned people don’t typically like this guy and if Inuyasha was a betting man, he’d put his money on the voice as the number one reason. Well maybe number two. Kagome had also said this guy was the top of his field but when you’re the only one _in_ your field, that didn’t say much. This Youkai was pretty much the most useless person he’d ever met.

“You said you’ve seen people on drugs before. Where did you see these people?” the doctor asked curiously and Inuyasha shrugged.

 _Yeah_ , this asshole was going to keep coming over and over and over again until he said something to make him happy. Fuck it. Maybe giving this bastard some admissions would make him go away and get him out of here that much sooner.

“When I was younger I hung around brothels a lot,” Inuyasha admitted begrudgingly then, “Whores don’t give a shit what you are.”

“So, you spent much of your time with…”

“I hung around for a place to _sleep_ ,” Inuyasha interrupted defensively as he opened his eyes to glare angrily at the man, “One of them felt sorry for me because I was a _child_ and let me stay with her brats. I didn’t go around…”

“My apologies. I should not have presumed,” the old withered reptilian soothed and Inuyasha set his jaw before letting his head fall back once more, “So the women in the brothels were the ones you saw taking drugs.”

“Yeah,” Inuyasha mumbled miserably. He hated these stupid talks but if he didn’t give the man what he wanted, they’d never let him out of here. But maybe that was a good thing. He was dangerous. Wild. In a world where being dangerous and wild was _bad_. Not that it was ever _good_ but...

“How long did you stay there?”

“Eight winters. Maybe less,” Inuyasha sighed, “Until the girls that I played with were forced into the business. I got upset and did some shit and they kicked me out.”

“What did you do that got you kicked out?”

“Killed a couple clients,” Inuyasha admitted emotionlessly, “And the brothel mother.”

“The woman who…”

“No, the woman in charge of the damn thing. Who let…who let shit happen that _shouldn’t_ ,” Inuyasha hissed defensively, “Who do you take me for?”

“Had you killed any humans before that?”

Inuyasha scowled and nodded.

“So, you were no stranger to killing men,” the scaly man concluded, “Would it make you feel any better if I said back in my youth I killed hundreds of humans?”

Inuyasha furrowed his brow and cracked one eye open to look at the strange doctor.

“Inuyasha, we’re _youkai_ ,” the doctor continued reassuringly, “For centuries, our kind has killed humans. Much of the time without provocation. Now when _you_ killed these men, was it for a reason?”

“Not really.”

“From what you’re describing it sounds like you killed those men to protect others,” the doctor pointed out, “You were just saying you killed those men and the brothel mother because they hurt your friends.”

“That’s only okay when they ask you to protect them. They didn’t ask,” Inuyasha argued weakly.

“No, I imagine they didn’t,” the crocodile sighed sympathetically, “Do you believe that someone has to _ask_ to be protected in order to be protected?

Inuyasha opened his mouth and closed it several times before giving up entirely.

“I don’t understand the question.”

“If you saw a burning building with a little girl inside and that little girl did not ask you for help, would you rush into the burning building to get her?”

“I mean _yeah_ ,” Inuyasha replied in a very confused tone, “The buildings on fire.”

“If you saw a child in the street, would you give him some food if he didn’t ask for it?”

“I’m not sure. Does the kid look hungry or…” the very confused half-demon tried.

“Let me rephrase. You _know_ the child is hungry but he is not asking for food. Would you feed him?”

“I don’t know,” Inuyasha replied truthfully, “It would depend on if I had food.”

“You have food to give in this scenario.”

“Then yeah?”

“If you saw someone being murdered, would you stop it?”

“I’d try? Why are you asking me this? I don’t…”

“Who kicked you out of the brothel?”

“Some of the clients ran me out,” Inuyasha huffed, “I tried to take the girl they…they were _hurting_ with me and she refused. Said she was scared.”

“So, she was afraid of you after you defended her?”

Inuyasha snorted and shrugged, “Ain’t that the story of my life.”

“Was she afraid of you before that?”

“Why would she be?” Inuyasha groaned in frustration, “I never did anything before that.”

Freezing, that statement struck him as odd but he dismissed it. He really was losing his mind here. Why had he said that? Everyone had always been afraid of him. Always.

“Did you ever see her again?”

Except Kagome. She had never been afraid of him until recently and even then that was more about the fact that he was slowly descending into madness for no god damn reason. Because the littlest inconvenience made him nearly piss his pants and cry like the little bitch he was. And yet she stayed. Even now when he was pushing her away to save her. She still stayed.

Why the fuck couldn’t they talk about _that_? But _noooo_ , therapy was about your inner thoughts not someone else’s.

Bullshit is what it was.

“When she was old, yeah, I saw her again,” Inuyasha muttered distractedly as he continued fixating inwardly, “When I was…when I was with Kikyo. My old girlfriend. We went to that town for some type of exorcism and she was there. _Still_ whoring it up.”

“Did you speak with her?”

“She knew who I was.”

“That doesn’t answer my question. You spoke with her then?”

“No but Kikyo did for a little bit. Apparently she was now a brothel mother. Old bat said she knew me as a child and wanted to know how I was doing.”

“It sounds like she cared about you. Perhaps she felt bad about how you parted ways.”

“Maybe,” Inuyasha huffed, “Or maybe she was senile. Satomi was _ancient_ by then. Pushing _at least_ a hundred.”

“Hm,” the crocodile replied in that nails on a chalkboard voice, “I have a task for you. If you’re up to it.”

Of _course_ he did the scaly bastard.

“I want you to let Kagome come visit you,” the crocodile hummed and with a scowl, Inuyasha cracked one eye open, “Talk to her. I know she’s very worried.”

“I told you _why_ I haven’t seen her,” Inuyasha groaned heavily before pulling up on the restraints and giving the elderly reptile a sour glare, “Its for the _same_ reason they got these on me. I’m dangerous. Might accidentally kill her without meaning to.”

“I know. I know. Just consider it. The girl is stronger than she looks,” the crocodile wheezed in a bemused fashion and the half-demon winced at the sound.

“I also want you to write down things you feel Kagome would reject you over and write down how you would respond if she was the one telling you these things” the doctor added quietly and Inuyasha snorted.

“What about I’m _literally_ tied up here do you not understand?” he chuckled darkly, “Go fuck yourself you gross, _slimy_ …”

“And what you would tell her if she was in your shoes,” the doctor cut him off as the old croc got up and patted his patient’s leg, “I’m going to speak with the administrator. Maybe our next appointment can be at your new home.”

“Wait, new home? Where the fuck is…”

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

“And all I have to do is fix it up?” Kagome asked in a tired voice as she gave the small water sprite realtor a weary smile, “Is there a time frame or…”

The small woman reminded Kagome very strongly of the Rainbow Fish children’s story book. A splattering of scales covered most of her body including some of her face – most were of the regular variety but every so often there was a bright sparkling one. The coloring of these scales too matched quite nicely with the children’s book rendition. Dark blues and pinks with light orange lips. Black eyes. Her ears fin like and her fingers webbed. Maybe the author was really a youkai and the world just didn’t know it.

The Rainbow Fish sold real estate. As if the world couldn’t get more strange.

“Just by the new year,” the woman chirped – her voice sounding like bubbling stream which made it irritatingly hard to understand, “I know that it might be difficult when you’re undergoing training but I’m sure there are many contractors here that would be willing to help move things along. I’ll e-mail you a few names and numbers if you need them.”

“Sounds great,” Kagome sighed as her fingers gently fingered her new set of keys, “So...where do I sign?”

“Well, technically, I can’t let you sign anything _official_ until your marriage gets approved,” the sprite chuckled nervously, “You know…youkai law? Can’t let just anyone buy a house in here.”

“His registration was approved yesterday. We were waiting until it’s finalized,” Kagome replied evasively, “But I can start moving in, right?”

“On a week-to-week lease, yes,” the sprite sighed as she awkwardly rubbed her arm, “But the marriage needs to be officiated by the sixth week or else we’ll have to evict you.”

“If it happens, it happens,” Kagome sighed as she glanced around the very antiquated house. She had specifically picked this one due to its traditional style. It reminded her _strongly_ of the types of inns they’d stayed in during the quest. Well, the more run down ones anyway. Tatami mat flooring, sliding doors, multiple wooden panels that could be used to separate rooms and wooden engawa verandas. Most of the appliances would need to be replaced or installed. The bathroom definitely needed to be completely redone and the flooring replaced. But structurally it was actually okay. They assured her that it was termite free and there was supposed to be a warranty in place when they did buy it.

 _If_ they bought it…

Kagome sighed heavily as she began walking around the large empty space covered in a thick layer of dust. Did youkai even have maids or was she supposed to clean it up? They’d probably think less of her than they already did. Even after so many years, inherit demonic distrust of mikos was still _very_ strong. Apparently, the marriage requirement was only for human-demon relations. And she had to jump through all sorts of hoops to even get into the hospital and get Koga and Jineji and a handful of others that knew her way back when to vouch for her. Everything here had been a constant battle including seeing Inuyasha who, for whatever reason, refused to see her.

It hadn’t even been that bad a cut. Really it hadn’t but he acted like he almost took her arm off. Had to straight up be sedated because he couldn’t calm down. Supposedly, they’d had to restrain him too after that but what did she know? He could have been released and be god knows where doing god knows what. He’d made it very clear she wasn’t to know anything. Wasn’t allowed to come see him. 

It was like he hated her.

Maybe he did.

“Okie dokie, so when Mr. Akatsuki comes back from his trip, give me a call,” the sprite hummed happily as she began walking towards the door, “It was lovely to meet you Ms. Higuarashi.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Kagome chuckled awkwardly as she continued standing numbly in the rather large living room, “I’ll let you know when he gets back.”

Kagome swallowed thickly as she heard the door slam behind her and she dropped her purse onto the ground - the dust billowing around it as it made contact. It only made sense that she’d move out here. To a place where Inuyasha could be around other Youkai. Use his power. The local police chief was especially interested when he heard the last surviving son of the InuNoTaisho was moving in. As was literally everyone that had anything to do with the diamond trade or finances. If the latter had their way, Inuyasha would spend every minute of every day doing adamant barrage until the youkai society lived like kings. A one man bank with endless earning power. Or the world’s only one man swat team. Either way he had a job so that was good.

As long as he was happy. With or without her.

Closing her eyes, Kagome allowed herself exactly one tear. For so many years, she’d prepared for him. Lived for him. Only to have him be miserable being with her. It was hard not to be bitter about the whole thing. And she didn’t want to believe the psychiatrist when he said Inuyasha had a definite diagnosis of PTSD and a tentative manic depressive diagnosis. One of those was bad enough. Both was terrifying. When had this happened? Why had this happened? He’d never been overly emotional. Not really. Quick to anger yes but he never acted like anything bothered him before. He never acted like he was acting now.

Was this really the jewel’s last act of vengeance? Had it known separating them would drive him crazy? Or was it an accident? Inuyasha’s mental state just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and the jewel just the catalyst.

One thing was certain though. She’d adapt. She’d be there. She’d learn what to do and how to...This was just...this was just...

Letting out a shaky sigh, Kagome nearly jumped out of her skin when her phone rang. Kneeling down she fumbled with her purse for a moment before answering.

“....give me the fucking phone. I can do it god dammit. I’m not a...thank you jackass. Was that so hard? Hey, Kagome. Wait, shit. Hello, are you there? How does this fucking thing...”

Kagome let out a watery laugh as she stood up 

“Hey,” she breathed and she heard a slight huff of frustration, “Inuyasha?”

“Hey. Hey. So, um, they said they’re letting me go home,” he informed her sounding infinitely relieved before he suddenly jumped in with vomit like fashion, “I...I’m sorry I didn’t let you see me. I was worried I’d hurt you again. I should’ve explained but...”

“I’m okay. My love isn’t fragile,” Kagome reassured him and she heard him sigh.

“I know,” he mumbled miserably, “I know it’s not. I...I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Will you...just next time you’re nearby would you come get me? If...if you want.”

“I’m actually just a ten minute walk away,” Kagome offered hesistantly, “I found a house for...for us.”

There was a pause.

“Here?”

“Yeah,” Kagome continued shakily, “I just thought....and we can go back if you want but...”

“No, no thats...that’s fine,” he replied a little too calmly, “We can talk more once you get here. Or later.”

“Okay, I’ll...I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you Kagome,” he muttered softly, tentatively, with full resignation like he expected her to be upset with him if he said it or tell him it was over. She heard him take and let out a few deep breaths as he waited for her to answer.

“Love you too.”


	23. I Have No Options Left Again

Staring blankly at the same tree as he had for the past several hours, Inuyasha continued to sit in the open doorframe on 5% battery. It had been about a week since they'd come here and while less stressful overall, it was extremely exhausting. The house Kagome intended for them to live in reeked of mold and decay – which was to be expected apparently. The point was for them to fix it up to be in livable condition for some godforsaken reason. Kagome had hoped that having a task would make him better but just the sheer amount of work that was going to be involved merely overwhelmed him instead.

Combined with the fact that he'd fully and truly ruined Kagome's life, it was all too much and he'd just kinda checked out. Because of him, they were now stuck here in this moldy ass house for at least the next year. Kagome was torn from the only place she'd ever truly lived. Condemned her to a life away from her family in a world neither of them understood. She'd quit her job, her home, her family and god _knows_ what else just to be here with his pathetic ass. All because he had the audacity to fall back into her life.

He should've just stayed in his time. All he was a burden in this one.

A burden who Kagome was now stuck with for as long as she lived because in order for her to stay here where _he_ was required to live, they had to get married. And he was a selfish bastard who couldn't bring himself to let her go. Who was too much of a coward to say no. Their wedding, if you could even call it that, consisted of showing up to a small room where some old geezer said a few words in front of strangers and they all signed a piece of paper. The whole thing had taken maybe five minutes. Maybe less. During the time he was in the hospital, he'd been assigned a last name that had no significance and no meaning and now Kagome was saddled with that too. Her entire identity, her entire way of life gone because of him.

She said women changed their last name all the time when they get married but he didn't believe her. He'd never heard of last names, not really, until very, _very_ recently anyway but as far as he knew, what they called last names were family names that meant something and his new last name meant literally nothing to either of them. It had been assigned at random and was as empty as he felt.

But since he couldn't get what they called ' _vaccinated_ ' for at least another year, he'd just gone along with it. They needed a place to live. Well...Kagome did. He'd lived in _trees_ most of his life. Wasn't like _he_ needed to live in a house. A part of him wanted to just risk it, leave and if he died from this bullshit disease, he died. Would probably be for the best if he did die anyway. Kagome wouldn't be saddled with him and would be able to move back to be with her family. She could marry a nice boy who could actually work for a living and have babies that were normal. Instead, she...

It didn't matter. Kagome got what she got and that's all there was to it.

And he had been trying to get better. To be more normal. It was just a matter of mind over matter and if...if he pretended he was okay long enough, his mind would eventually catch up, right? Or something. Something new would happen. Something different.

His nose felt even more congested than it had felt a moment ago and one hand sluggishly moved to wipe away the runniness.

One not-as-painful thing he discovered recently was that he had a…a niece. Sesshomaru's daughter was still around although she lived in Tokyo. And a sister-in-law that had been a child last time Inuyasha had seen her which was undoubtedly the result of the most cringe worthy, disgusting grooming he'd ever had the displeasure of discovering. Yes, Rin was still around too – also living in Tokyo. Found out he was still alive and supposedly wanted to visit but Inuyasha knew he was not in a place where he could act _not_ totally creeped out should either seek him out. Despite the general unease at the circumstances, Inuyasha had decided he would seek them out eventually. When…when he felt a little better. The fact that Rin was still around had him wanting answers. Just to have in his back pocket. Like why she was still alive. How she was still alive. Why…why she survived his dead bastard brother. You know, just to have. Just in case.

His normally sensitive ears faintly registered Kagome's approaching footsteps and he couldn't find the energy to look at her when she sat down beside him.

"I picked up some beef ramen from the restaurant down the street," Kagome informed him hopefully, "They're supposed to be really good."

"You shouldn't've spent money," he mumbled numbly as he continued staring blankly at the tree – eyes partially glazed over, "Not hungry anyway."

"We're not _poor_ Inuyasha. We can afford to eat out. Besides you've got to eat sometime," Kagome teased in a very strained tone.

Inuyasha shrugged but otherwise didn't respond. For a moment, the former miko was silent before she huffed and suddenly she was kneeling in front of him with her hands cupping his face.

"We don't have to stay here," she stated firmly as his face remained flat and disturbingly vacant, "You just say the word and we'll leave, okay? We can go back to the shrine. Mama has offered to pay to have the whole shrine sanitized – inside _and_ out - and we'll be careful. We'll wear masks and…and anything we need to do to keep you safe. But we don't have to stay here if you don't want to stay here."

Inuyasha's reaction time was slow as he sluggishly blinked at her in confusion before his brow furrowed.

"But what…what will you do?" he asked hoarsely as he titled his head to the side, "You quit your job there. You have a job here. I don't…"

"We can work for the shrine. I can get a job somewhere else. Or we can not work at all. Jobs come and go in this time. There will always be something," Kagome soothed, "If you want to go, we'll go. You just say the word."

A flicker of hope and relief lit in his heart as he considered his limited options.

"Is…is it expensive to have the shrine…"

"Don't worry about that," Kagome interrupted tersely as her grip tightened incrementally, "What do _you_ want to do?"

Being put on the spot had Inuyasha tensing as mild panic welled in his gut and Kagome's nostrils flared slightly before she began shushing him.

"Hey, hey. Its okay. You don't have to answer right now," she cooed reassuringly as she began brushing some hair out of his face, "Just know that's an option. We don't have to stay here. We don't even have to go to the shrine. We'll go wherever you want."

"Anywhere I want?" he asked for clarification and Kagome nodded before adding with purposefully emphasis, " _Anywhere_ you want."

She was talking about going back through the well, he realized. But that would present other problems. What if it let him back but not her? He was still too selfish to let her go. To selfish to leave even if it would be better for her overall. Still, it did sound nice to go somewhere other than this place. He'd never felt at home amongst demons anyway if he was really being honest. Being around so many at one time felt uncomfortable even though none of them seemed to give a shit about him. As much as it rubbed him the wrong way, the only times he ever felt truly accepted had been arounds humans.

Well… _some_ humans anyway.

"I'll…I'll think about it."

Kagome looked infinitely relieved for some unfathomable reason before she leaned forward and planted a chaste kiss on his lips.

"I love you. You know that, right?" she asked softly as sapphire eyes searched his face. The smile he offered in return looked hollow and forced.

"I know," he offered in a very tired sounding tone, "I love you too."

Kagome squeezed one of his hands lightly as she gave him a soft smile.

"You seem tired. Do you want me to reschedule your appointment today? Do it tomorrow?" she asked warmly and Inuyasha shook his head.

"I have to do it, right?" he mumbled in a flat tone, "Or else I have to go back."

"Who said you'll have to go back?" Kagome asked softly and Inuyasha shifted slightly.

"Part of why they let me leave is that I had to agree to keep talking to that guy," he continued dejectedly, "If I go back on that promise, they'll take me back."

"They won't get upset over for changing your appointment. And, for what its worth, thats not what Koga told me. It was a suggestion last I heard," Kagome promised as she squeezed his hand once more, "Besides, didn't you say you wanted to talk to someone? If you don't like this therapist, I'm sure there are others you can try. A therapist is someone you need to feel comfortable with."

"I did want to talk to someone..." he admitted begrudgingly as he wrinkled his nose and sighed heavily. While it was true he wanted to talk to someone, he just wished that someone was literally anyone else. This crocodile youkai was about as useless as tits on a boar. All he wanted to do was dissect every part of his life like he was looking for something. And the last two appointments had consisted of him asking all sorts of questions about Kagome, of all people, which had Inuyasha's heckles rising. This 'doctor' wanted to know their entire background and pressured him into talking about Kikyo. By the end of that conversation, the poor hanyou had felt...he'd felt almost _violated_.

"Will you call? To change it I mean," Inuysha asked after a long moment and Kagome nodded. Talking on the phone was something he wanted to avoid if at all possible.

A few moments later, she was on the phone but Inuyasha felt anxiety whirl in his gut at the way Kagome seemed to bristle at something the doctor said. The last thing Inuyasha wanted was to get Kagome in trouble over him. By the time she returned her aura was fuming but she seemed almost unnaturally calm.

"So, they said...they said they didn't have any openings tomorrow," Kagome began slowly, "But next week they promised the appointments wouldn't be so close together."

That explanation didn't sit well with him and didn't explain why Kagome smelled so irked.

"Oh," Inuyasha sighed heavily as he settled back against the door frame and began blindly staring at a different tree, "That's fine. Doesn't matter anyway."

"Well, why don't I get our ramen and we can eat, huh? I'll go the store while you're meeting with him. Anything you want?" Kagome asked as she headed towards the kitchen and he shook his head numbly. The last thing he wanted to do today was meet with the wheezy, strange doctor who probably would've done better in literally any other profession. How someone looked at him and said I think you should be a healer must've been on something powerful.

"What about ice cream?" Kagome called out as he heard her messing with some plates, "I don't think you've had ice cream before. I can get a lot of different flavors and see which one you like."

"That's fine," he mumbled barely loud enough for her to hear, "Whatever you think."

"I'll do that then. And then tonight we can maybe watch a movie. You wanted to watch the other Jurassic Parks right?"

"Not really," he sighed as she returned and he accepted the bowl he didn't want. Setting it down, he pulled one knee up against his chest and rested his chin atop it.

"Okay. Maybe something else then..."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Smacking his scaly lips in a sound similar to a wet mop hitting the ground, the doctor gave Inuyasha an appraising look before beginning a new line of questioning.

"Why did you pick this era?"

"I told you I didn't _pick_ it," Inuyasha sighed heavily as he sagged further down into the couch and folded his arms tighter against his chest, "It was the only way that worked."

"For who?"

"I don't understand what you're asking," the half-demon muttered tiredly, "It's not a matter of _who_. The bone-eater's well didn't let her come to me but it let me go to her. So I'm not really sure what you mean."

"I'll rephrase. Who wanted to stay in this era?" the slimy reptilian continued, "You said Kagome had bought an apartment for you, picked clothes for you, basically controlled your life here. It seems like she intended you to stay here all along."

"And I built a hut for her. Furnished it and bought her a bunch of clothes. Same difference," Inuyasha countered as he narrowed his eyes, "What's your point?"

"How many times did you try the well?"

Setting his jaw, Inuyasha realized where the doctor was going with this line of so-called therapy. Twisting what happened to make Kagome look like the bad guy. Finding someone to blame for why he was nuts when the reality of it was completely the opposite. No one was to blame but himself. He was weak. Kagome had nothing to do with that.

And yet he couldn't tell this bastard to go to hell. His idiotic questions _were_ working to re-start his comatose mind though so that was good. _Maybe_. Or it was extremely bad. Who knew anymore?

"Five hundred twenty nine times," Inuyasha admitted begrudgingly as he waited for the question he knew was coming and which was going to be an uphill battle to explain.

"And how many times did she try?" the doctor followed up knowingly and a growl built in his patient's chest.

"That's not fair," Inuyasha groaned with a roll of the eyes.

"That doesn't answer my question."

Snorting derisively, Inuyasha scowled and have the crocodile a withering glare.

"And I don't give a shit. Didn't you tell me I didn't have to answer questions I don't feel comfortable answering?"

"So you're uncomfortable admitting she did not try - what was it? Five hundred twenty nine times," the doctor laughed softly and Inuyasha set his jaw.

"I'm uncomfortable giving you an answer you clearly want to twist," the half-demon snorted, "She tried. I tried. The well let me through. That's all that matters."

The doctor sighed and adjusted his glasses. His calm, collected manner making anxiety swirl in Inuyasha's stomach.

"You're very protective of her. Going out of your way to cast her in a positive light," the crocodile opined, "Why do you feel the need to defend her if she's done nothing wrong?"

"Because she hasn't done anything wrong," Inuyasha ground out before glancing at the clock and nearly wilting in relief, "Times out anyway. I've been here for an hour. I'll ask you to leave now."

"No."

"I beg your pardon. What do you mean ' _no_ '?," Inuyasha scoffed, "I only got to meet with you three times a week. An hour. No more, no less. And it's been..."

"I decide when we end our sessions. Not you," the doctor informed him as he raised a single scale laden brow, "And I say we're not finished."

Inuyasha swallowed thickly and had to force himself to stay calm even as the bottom fell out of his stomach.

"You told Kagome she couldn't be here today, didn't you?" Inuyasha accused, "She's been here for the other appointments. In the house. But not today."

"I instructed her to leave the house for today's appointment. That much is true," the doctor hummed as his lips twitched upwards, "You are very perceptive but I wonder why she didn't tell you herself? Does she keep secrets from you often?"

Inuyasha scowled and kept stubbornly silent. Anything he said seemed to be making this 'therapy' session worse. There had to be a way out of this. Had to be. As much as he hated the idea, maybe he could call Koga and see if there was literally anyone else he could talk to. Fuck, he'd even talk to _Koga_ at this point.

"I'm going to take your silence as yes. Given everything you've told me, I'm going to suggest a trial separation," the doctor interrupted, "A few weeks to adjust on your own and determine whether..."

Whatever explanation the doctor was giving was drowned out by the sudden ringing in Inuyasha's sensitive ears. For some reason, what had just been suggested submerged him in a deluge of ice water creeping ever higher until it covered his mouth and nose making it imposible to breathe.

"No..." Inuyasha managed to choke as the doctor continued like nothing was happening.

"You've said you don't feel in control and I believe this girl is the cause. She has made all of your decisions..." the crocodile wheezed in what he must have assumed was a reassuring tone.

Shaking his head, Inuyasha embedded his claws deeply in his arms as he struggle to stay in control. Breathing heavily, he managed go ground out, "No. You're...you're twisting my words. I don't want..."

"She's a bad influence. Humans usually are. They don't understand youkai emotions and to top it all off, this girl is a reincarnation of the first woman you loved. It is entirely possible that any feelings you believe you have towards her are a projection. I believe with some distance it will become more clear which direction you want to..."

Inuyasha closed his eyes to combat how blurry his vision was becoming and how his head suddenly felt unimaginably heavy.

"...you only began having attacks upon being reunited with her," the doctor continued as he casually polished his glasses, "If need be I can arrange to have her removed from commune. That way she cannot return..."

Before Inuyasha could really process what he was doing, the doctor was flying across the room.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Centuries of institutionalized hatred of spiritual humans were still _solidly_ present if the way the red seas parted as Kagome wandered through the supermarket was any indication. Supposedly, yes, there were other demons that had mated humans and Jineji had warned her his wife didn't like living here in youkai territory but that warning has been generous at best.

It felt like she was getting a mild taste of what Inuyasha experienced his entire life and the thought made her impossibly sad. Women ushering their children away when they saw her. Grown men watching her like she was about to murder them all. Whispers following her up and down the aisles.

Still, she wasn't going to let them bother her. Inuyasha needed her to stay positive and stay strong. He'd smell it on her if she was upset and think it was because of him. Right now, what he needed was a safe space to rest and recover. And to keep seeing the pyschiatrist although something about that man always rubbed her the wrong way. The way he talked to her was just... _gross_. Accusing her of eavesdropping on their sessions. Well, okay, not directly but it was _heavily_ implied. Why would she change the appointment to a better time for her anyway? That made no sense! It wasn't _her_ appointment.

But that didn't matter. Anyway, she had promised her man ice cream. Kagome stared at the frosty glass windows and smiled at the flavors. Who knew there was such a thing as Raw Horseflesh? Maybe that could just be a story to tell him. Just grab some mochi covered vanilla and some grape sorbet. Maybe a...

Nearly jumping out of her skin when her phone began to ring, Kagome immediately scrambled for her purse and began digging.

"Hello?" she answered breathlessly as she finally got a hold of her phone before her smile faded.

"You might want to go home. Inuyasha beat the crap outta Dr. Masaki and now he's on a rampage," Koga's exasperated voice came out rough and tense on the other end, "Wants to..."

"Wait, wait, did Inuyasha..."

"No, no. The _doctor_. Youkai law requires three treating physicians have to agree to detain someone and he just called me and Jineji here to authorize it. Said Inuyasha blew out part of your house and attacked him so it was warranted. Which we didn't concur with of _course_ but..."

"So...wait, not that I wanted you to admit him but what happened? Did Inuyasha..." Kagome asked breathlessly as she began hurrying towards the door leading to the parking lot. Each step tense and quick - her groceries abandoned in the aisle.

"Inuyasha acted like you'd expect him to act if someone _threatened_ you, Kagome. We're not going to admit him for being _himself_ ," Koga snorted derisively and all the air left her lungs in a whoosh.

"So after he threatened me, Inuyasha let Dr. Masaki _live_?" Kagome laughed shakily - the sound bitter and harsh as she crossed the parking lot and broke out into a run.

"Thats what I said! But in all seriousness, Kagome you _have_ to know he's ill," Koga trailed off, "And what I told you was true. Youkai law doesn't have any _legal_ way of _forcing_ him to see a pyschiatrist but Inuyasha needs to see one. Really, _really_ needs to see one. Jineji is trying to make arrangements with one of his colleagues at the medical school to see whether we can get someone else. If Inuyasha will see anyone after this that is. Wouldn't blame him if..."

"I appreciate that but...but will Dr. Masaki hospitalize him? Find other doctors to agree? For attacking him I mean."

"If he does, Jineji and I will get him out. Don't you worry Kagome," Koga promised, "But just because we won't admit him doesn't mean he's stable. If he attacks someone else..."

The wolf demon didn't need to tell her twice. Attacking someone who insulted her was one thing but attacking someone else for no reason? God forbid he goes full demon and starts a murderous rampage. They'd do much worse than just locking him up in a hospital room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to whomever nominated this work for the FeudalConnection awards. Much appreciated!


	24. I Dont Want To Be The One

Kagome forgot to breathe as she turned the corner. The once orderly street she'd called home these past few weeks looked less appealing than a garbage dump. What telephone poles had once stood were now either completely obliterated or in pieces with their lines angrily whipping this way and that. The nearest homes to her own were complete wrecks. Walls missing. Roofs collapsing. Trees on their sides with root-balls sticking up in the air. Other trees looked...

Well he unleashed a meido by the looks of them. Clean perfect half-circles obliterating trunks and foliage. Thank god they were the only ones living on this street at the moment. He could've killed someone or worse banished them to some endless void.

"Fuck," Kagome cursed softly as she took off running in the direction of what used to be their house. Nuances of the damage he'd inflicted went unnoticed as she climbed over an overturned tree in her way and shakily began walking at a painfully slow pace up to what little remained of their home.

"Inuyasha?" Kagome called out - cringing when her voice cracked slightly as desperation seeped in with every passing second, "Inuyasha? Answer me! **_Inuyasha_**?!"

With each passing moment the deafening silence stretched on, the fear gripping her soul swelled to previously unimaginable heights. Whatever idiot said ' _there is nothing to fear but fear itself'_ must've lived an inconceivably sheltered existence. While she agreed that _unjustified_ terror was pointless, to apply that phrase in a general sense to all things was an asinine proposition. Some fear was justified.

Like when your mentally unstable husband goes on a rampant destructive binger. When your quite rational fear was that the man you love more than life itself quite possibly ran to off himself. That...that was a _justified_ fear in context. Yes, all fears are purely psychological to a degree but tangible, physical consequences weren't. If she had to admit, which she tried to do as her mind raced a mile a minute, it was about how you can't let those fears control you and keep you from acting. With that in mind, she needed to stay calm. Focus on finding him. Stopping...

"In my defense," came a hoarse voice from the foliage of one of the only standing trees, "I was left unsupervised."

Wilting in relief, Kagome's heart skipped a beat and simultaneously broke at the resignation and defeat in his tone. Slowly making her way to stand and look up into the branches, she hummed sadly at the tear stained face staring back.

"Come down here," she pleaded softly, "Or let me up. One or the other."

When he didn't move and instead chose to sink down into his selected branch, Kagome set her jaw determinedly and did the only logical thing.

She began climbing the tree.

Poorly but she was going to get to him eventually. Amber eyes wearily watched her movements and his muscles tensed like he was preparing to spring.

"Don't you do it," she panted heavily as she swung one leg over the lowest branch and shakily managed to straddle it, "I know I'm slow but you can be patient and wait."

Inuyasha laughed once despite himself - the sound biting and humorless - as the tension slowly melted and he lolled his head down to look at her.

"You're going to hurt yourself," he mumbled miserably as he reached down with one arm and caught her before she tumbled back onto the ground. Lifting her effortlessly, he settled her comfortably between his legs and pulled her tightly against his chest.

"I'm sorry," he breathed as he buried his nose into her hair, "I...I lost control."

"Because the doctor threatened me. I know. Koga said," Kagome hummed knowingly as she pressed her body closer and covered his arms with her own.

"Not exactly," Inuyasha admitted with a long sigh, "He suggested we separate."

Oh for the love of god! Of all the _asinine_ things to suggest knowing that separation was what started Inuyasha down this road.

"Dumbass," Kagome snorted and she felt Inuyasha tense, "Not you. _Him_. Didn't you tell him about the well?"

"Yeah but...but he..." Inuyasha tried as his mind became fuzzy and his heart began to race, "I don't..."

"Just breathe," Kagome instructed as she moved one of his hands onto her chest and gave a few highly exaggerated breaths which he began to follow. Something wet dropped onto her scalp from where his nose was buried in her hair.

"I'm sorry," he repeated hoarsely as the hand against her chest exerted the lightest of pressure.

"It's going to be okay," she promised softly, "I'm not upset with you and I forgive you. It's going to be okay."

Alarms began wailing in the distance and she felt him shudder.

"But I'm going to get in trouble, right? They'll put me back in that hospital. Or...or...and the house? Where will we live?"

"Never liked that house anyway," she admitted quietly as she reached up to scratch behind one ear, "And you don't need to worry about anything. I'll handle it. I'll talk to them."

Inuyasha nodded as the arm around her waist tightened.

"I love you," he managed before releasing a shuddering breath and more moisture was deposited atop her head.

"I love you too," Kagome hummed before the sirens suddenly ceased and she heard several doors slammed.

"Everyone alright up there," a strangely high pitched female voice called out and Inuyasha flinched. As the officer approached, Kagome made out a mostly human looking woman with long elegant feather-like hair pulled back into a loose bun. Several shorter feathers framed her pale heart shaped face illuminated by crimson eyes and a large beak like nose. A bird youkai of some sort.

"Yeah, we're fine," Kagome called back as she continued scratching Inuyasha's ear.

"Looks like an attack," the officer called out as she slowly came into view before making a small knowing hum, "Tough time adjusting?"

"Yeah," Kagome replied as she tried to move but Inuyasha seemed frozen in place. Coughing lightly, the miko gave the crimson eyed officer an apologetic grimace.

"Hey, we've all been there. I think I lost it after a month of being indoors. Blew up a barn or something. Happens to the best of us," the officer laughed softly as she pulled out her notepad and looked over her shoulder at the other officers approaching.

"It's an code five adjustment," she called back and Kagome swore she heard one of the officers laugh and someone say softly ' _Told you. Pay up.'_

 _"_ So for the first offense, it's a warning," the bird youkai offered kindly as she gave Inuyasha a warm reassuring smile, "That means nothing happens to you, okay? Just be more careful and if you're feeling pent up take a run because next time it's a fine. Third time a misdemeanor. Fourth offense a felony and jail time. Just need your name and, uh, was this your house?"

Kagome chuckled nervously and nodded.

"Okay, so I'll need an address. Where does your family live ma'am?"

Inuyasha wanted to be relieved that no one seemed upset with him. Really he did. He wanted to laugh and shrug guiltily or act cocky. Instead he only felt despair and disappointment. A part of him wanted to be punished. Wanted someone to scream at him or be upset at him instead of everyone walking on thin ice around him. While he understood why everyone was doing that, really he did, knowing only made him feel that much more miserable.

"...the city will probably impose a civil fine for the damage to the utilities but it shouldn't be very much. No more than a phone bill," the officer was still speaking he realized, "It'll be mailed to the address you gave me. There might be another fine for the demolition but honestly, they've been talking about leveling this street for years so I doubt it. I'm surprised they let you live here. Thought it'd been condemned."

Kagome tensed and cleared her throat. Yeah _that_ was suspiciously left out of the Rainbow Fish realtor's sales pitch. Inuyasha didn't react other than to hold her tighter.

"Well anyway, that seems to be about it," the officer sighed as she ripped off a piece of paper, removed a feather from her hair and used it to pin the ticket to the tree. Satisfied it was in place, she gave Inuyasha an understanding and sympathetic look.

"Like I said we've all been there. Going from living out there," she nodded to the mountains in the distance, "To a human-like society is hard. Way back when there was a lot more of this type of thing. But you'll get used to it eventually. They've added some nice arcades to satiate your instincts. Or there's the resort."

That caught Kagome's attention.

"The resort?" she asked a little desperately and the officer grinned.

"Oh yeah. I'm _sure_ you've heard of Niseko," the officer chuckled with a wicked grin, "Most expensive resort in all of Japan. Completely youkai run. Best part is almost no one visits during the summer so we can run around and do as we please."

Kagome swallowed thickly before she asked, "So humans can visit there? Like my _family c_ ould visit."

"Humans can come and go," the bird laughed in a grating high pitched way, "It's really nice."

" _Can't go then"_ she heard Inuyasha mumble miserably as he held her waist impossibly tighter. Shushing him gently, the miko adjusted herself to look the bird more fully in the face.

"Well thank you. We'll, um, keep that in mind," Kagome replied as she cast a pointed glance at Inuyasha and the officer nodded in understanding.

"I'll leave you guys to it. Have a nice night."

As she left, Kagome let out a breath she wasn't aware she was holding as she slowly and awkwardly turned in Inuyasha's vice grip until she was facing him. Or rather looking upon his downturned face.

"We can't go anywhere," he mumbled as a single tear slid down his cheek, "You know we can't. Not to that...that resort thing. Or the shrine. Or even back home. Or...or I can't..."

"Look at me. Inuyasha _look_ at me," Kagome ordered softly before saying to hell with it and gripping his face to force him to look at her. His normal vibrant eyes looked dull and empty as heavy lids blinked sluggishly at her. Another tear breaking free and sliding down his cheek as he waited for whatever she wanted to tell him.

"I told you we would go wherever you want to go," she reminded him none too gently, "If you want to stay here, fine. If you want to move to a new country or city or live in a hole in the ground, fine. Even if...even if you don't want me to come with you, fine but you are _not_ trapped."

Inuyasha sighed shakily and reached up to remove her hands.

"I want you to come with me but...but I need you to do what you said," he admitted quietly as he gently ran his thumb over her right wrist, "I want _you_ to handle it. _You_ to talk to people. I...I..."

He inhaled deeply and released a shaky exhale.

"I am not in a place right now to know where I want to be. To know where I _should_ be," he continued softly, "Other than I'd like...I'd like to be somewhere green. More open. And quiet."

He glanced up at her and swallowed.

"Somewhere where your family can visit," he added barely above a whisper, "But _nature_ ya know? It's so loud here. And it smells."

Kagome smiled and nodded.

"I'll do my best. Is it okay if I ask for your opinions?" she asked vaguely as he seemed to wilt in relief, "I want to make sure I pick a good place. There's so many shades of green."

Letting out a shaky laugh, Inuyasha nodded and pulled her into a tight embrace. For the first time in what seemed like forever, there was a true flicker of hope that there might yet be a light at the end of the tunnel. That everything might work out. He'd half-expected a battle or to have Kagome ripped from his arms or any number of generally shitty things stemming from his overwhelmingly shitty behavior. But it hadn't. Not yet at least. Maybe...maybe it _would_ all be okay. He'd get control. Feel like himself again. Life wouldn't be an ocean of pain and suffering and could be something pleasant. Calm even.

And he knew Kagome was the only person who could make that happen. She'd save him like she always did. It'd be okay. He'd see.

"Thank you Kagome."


	25. The One the Battles Always Choose

"That's not possible," Koga sighed in a tired tone as he pinched the bridge of his nose, "Listen I understand he's not…that he's...just put aside the risk of more episodes or even _death_ , we're talking jail time. _Actual_ jail time if he leaves right now. He was only released under the condition he stay in youkai territory. That he continue seeing doctors. He has been labeled a danger to himself and others. They will find him and they will…"

"What if we stay in the woods? By ourselves. Away from everyone," Kagome argued desperately and Koga shook his head.

"There are demons whose job is to find people Kagome. Whose abilities are to _find_ people. It wouldn't matter if you went to the middle of nowhere Russia. They'd find you and extradite you," the aged wolf groaned, "This _isn't_ the human world. Our criminal justice system is a different animal. Our laws are adapted to our needs and one of the laws is that people who have caught the illness that he just recovered from cannot leave doctor's supervision for one year. They cannot _leave_ for one year. Otherwise they will be forcibly detained. Do you understand?"

"There has to be some loophole," she pressed, "Can't we be under supervision and be somewhere else. _Anywhere_ else?"

"Kagome…"

"Do _you_ understand?! He will _die_ if he stays here," she huffed in frustration as a spark of anger flashed in her eye," He. Will. _Die_."

"You do realize if you're say he's a suicide risk I have to PEC him, right?" Koga sighed heavily and set his jaw making Kagome pale.

"PE…"

"It means he's forcibly detained for at least 72 hours until he's deemed not a risk to himself or others," Koga challenged, "That's what the doctor who I _didn't_ listen to suggested. This is _my_ ass on the line. If Inuyasha _really_ is a suicide risk, if he _really_ is that out of control, I could lose my medical license over that. Over _him_."

Tears began welling in Kagome's eyes as the realization that she'd made this situation somehow impossibly worse hit her full force.

"He's…I don't think he is," Kagome tried to backpedal shakily, "He just needs to be in the woods. Around nature. The city isn't his cup of tea and it is making him worse. You know what he's used to. You know it's…it's, uh, a culture shock. I just want…I _need_ to give him that. Please."

Koga chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment as he regarded the miko with a sour look on his face.

" _Culture_ shock?" the wolf repeated skeptically and Kagome nodded. Her face drained completely of color she looked like a man waiting to be executed.

Bouncing his leg in an uncharacteristic fashion, Koga continued staring at her with a suspicious expression before shaking his head and pulling out a small notepad.

"In between here and the resort you mentioned, there's a half-way point," Koga sighed heavily as he began scribbling, "Its mainly hunting camps. I own a cabin a little ways up the mountain. Inuyasha should be able to find it by scent. _This_ …"

He held up the piece of paper which apparently was from a prescription pad.

"Is clearance to go there and _only_ there. I'm going to have people pop in at random and if he's ever not there, if his scent is so much as one day stale, I'm going to have him brought back by force. Do you understand?"

"Yes, _yes_ thank…"

"But _before_ you leave, I want to talk to him. As in _right_ after this. Alone," Koga challenged as he held the paper just out of her reach, "I want to clear him. If I think he's too unstable, this deal is off and he's _going_ to be PEC'd."

Kagome paused before nodding slowly and accepting the piece of paper.

"You're going to stay right here," the wolf ordered firmly as he held out his hand, "And give me your phone. I don't want you to interfere with this."

Biting her lip, the bottom of her stomach fell straight out and she fumbled with her purse. Producing her phone, she handed it over and gave Koga an imploring look.

"He needs to leave," she repeated hoarsely, "Please understand that. I'm _begging_ you."

His stern face softened slightly as a sad little smile played on his lips. Moving around his desk, he knelt next to her and took one of her hands.

"Kagome, you know that Inuyasha and I didn't always get along but even though we didn't mate, you have always been a member of my pack," he informed her softly, "Always. I know _firsthand_ what its like to lose the person you love. Ayame _died_ from the illness Inuyasha survived and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I could've saved her. She's the _entire_ reason I'm a doctor now. I will do everything in my power to protect you from suffering the same fate. Even if you hate me for it."

That...that wasn't exactly reassuring. In fact that speech only served to bother her more and a choked sob escaped against her will.

"Please don't. He _needs_ to leave…"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Inuyasha tried to stay calm as he followed Koga through the streets of the city towards what the wolf referred to as a "coffee shop". Although he had said this was just to talk, Inuyasha had a feeling this was going to be like that stupid psychiatrist. Maybe even a plot to set him off. To trigger him. The fact that he'd gotten no warning from Kagome broke his heart. Had she lied to him? Was she trying to send him away? Had she left him and Koga was here to deliver the news? _That_ would be...

"Here it is," Koga announced in a kind tone as he held the door open to a little shop tucked away despondent among the huge buildings that surrounded it. Washed out under the overcast sky, it hunched in itself trying to keep in its warmth in an ominous, unforgiving world.

"I don't want to go here," Inuyasha mumbled as amber eyes dated over the strange building with it's pink boards that had seen better days and weird flaking loopy writing and the way the building somehow looked like it was about to collapse under its own weight. All of that aside, the scent of something burning that whooshed out of the open stained glass door was overpowering and Inuyasha sneezed once just to get the soot out of his nose.

"I know its not the best smelling place," Koga apologized as he gently dragged the skittish half-demon inside. Casting the wolf a weary glance, Inuyasha complied submissively and glanced around. Yeah, somehow this hellhole had achieved being more off putting _inside_. Fake flowers and butterflies and small diamonds in the ceiling and...and...

It was like a fairy sprite threw up and someone then took that vomit and _decorated_ with it. It was straight up creepy and unsettling. More so because _Koga_ of _all_ people brought him here.

"I know it seems really girly but if memory serves, you like ramen, right?" Koga explained with a reassuring grin, "This coffee shop makes the best in the territory."

"Is that a type of ramen?" Inuyasha mumbled miserably as Koga moved past him and began walking up to the counter, "Coffee I mean. I thought…I thought it was like tea…"

"Coffee is kinda like tea but this place has food here too," Koga replied as he gave the hanyou a reassuring look, "We'll go up to the roof after we order. The smell isn't as bad up there."

Inuyasha nodded as he glanced around at the other demons and humans crammed into the smallish place. None of them seemed to be paying them any attention. Well except one woman who was looking at him with an appreciative stare that sent an unpleasant shiver down his spine.

Glancing at the young woman behind the counter with her peach pink hair, Inuyasha tried to figure out how the hell a demon working in a place that smelled like ass managed to seem so chipper. Everything about her screamed joy of all things as she greeted them.

"Hey, Mina. So we'll have one Tonkotsu Black Garlic Ramen, two cups of jade oolong and…and I guess…" Koga paused as the very young looking demon picked up a small clear cup and began scribbling, "You know what? Two taiyaki."

"Is that all?" the young demon asked in a gratingly chipper tone as she began to scribble on a piece of paper. When Koga nodded, a…a credit card was used, two cups were handed over along with a weird orange triangle and then the wolf was leading him up a flight of stairs to an open garden-like area. An uncomfortable looking rod iron table was soon found along with cold, miserable chairs.

"So…" Koga began as he handed Inuyasha his cup once they were settled, "Kagome said you wanted to go somewhere green."

Blushing, the half-demon accepted the cup and nodded as relief flooded his system. So this whole excursion was a test then. To make sure he...he wouldn't attack anyone. Or something. Purpose unclear.

"The modern world does take some getting used to," Koga replied softly, "But I thought you would've been doing better. Didn't you visit often back then?"

"Yeah but…" Inuyasha swallowed thickly, "But that was different. I could leave you know. I always…I never thought it'd be permanent so I didn't…"

He was struggling to put what he felt into words and so he took a sip of tea and averted his eyes.

"It was temporary," he finally mumbled, "And only for a couple… _hours_. I mean, I was never here long enough to catch any type of illness or anything. That should tell you a lot."

"So why didn't Kagome come to you?" Koga asked softly, "If you could come here, why couldn't she come to you?"

"She tried," Inuyasha replied in a tight voice as his hand trembled subtly. Not subtly enough however. The wolf chewed the inside of his cheek as his eyes fixated on the motion and Inuyasha continued, "We were apart for…for almost six years. We were just glad it did anything at that point. I'd given up on it."

"Do you wish you could go back?" Koga asked softly and Inuyasha sighed heavily before taking another sip.

"Yes and no," Inuyasha mumbled as he began putting together what the point of this conversation must be. Koga really was testing him to see whether he was insane or not. Wouldn't let Kagome take him anywhere unless he seemed stable enough to leave. And he was doing a piss poor job at proving it.

"Just wish it didn't smell so bad here," Inuyasha tried to chuckle as he took another sip, "All the…the _pollution_. Don't know how you all do it."

Good for him remembering that word. Kagome would be proud of him. And the way Koga seemed to be studying him made Inuyasha realized he was spot on at his assessment.

"Where would you go? If you had the choice," Koga asked after a long moment before humming appreciatively when a small girl suddenly appeared at the top of the steps with a small tray. A small words of thanks was exchanged before the tray was set down atop the small table at which they were sitting.

"I guess somewhere more what I'm used to," Inuyasha replied carefully as he tried to slow down his racing heart and mind, "Somewhere natural."

It was getting hard to focus his eyes again for some unfathomable reason and he knew he must be blinking more than usual. His chest was heaving and he let out a slow long breath to try to stay in control.

"You know just somewhere more green," he blurted out as his mind stubbornly refused to stay calm, "Somewhere natural like with trees and grass and birds and not so much cement. You know somewhere…different. More like home. And you know what I was hoping to have but not the same obviously and…"

"Inuyasha, look at me."

A quick glance was all the half-demon could muster as he began anxiously bouncing his knee.

"I want you to count with me," Koga asked softly as he reached over and firmly grasped his hand. Inuyasha's mind somehow raced faster. What a strange thing to ask someone losing his marbles! Especially knowing that said person had no education...

Oh god. Was that really the point? To prove he needed to stay here? To prove...

"You know I can't count. I didn't...I didn't go to school like everyone else here. You _know_ that," Inuyasha hissed as his whole body tensed.

"That's okay. I'll count for you. With each word I say I want you to take a deep breath and let it out on the next one," the wolf replied slowly as he began to purposefully count down from forty. Feeling embarrassed, Inuyasha begrudgingly did as instructed lest he let Koga get the better of him until mercifully he felt his mind slow to an acceptable, controllable level. Blinking a few times, Inuyasha furrowed his brow and looked the wolf squarely in the face.

"What the hell was that?" he asked with a slight accusation in his voice, "How did you know I was having a problem? That it would work?"

Inhaling sharply, Inuyasha realized a little too late that he'd just given himself away.

"I'm a _doctor._ A, uh, healer,"Koga laughed once as he gave the poor boy a cocky smirk, "I went through training on things like this. That and Jineji's wife gave me some pointers."

"Wait, Jineji is _married_?" Inuyasha asked distractedly and Koga nodded.

"He followed your lead. Married a miko," the wolf informed him, "She's a strange little bird."

"Strange little _bird_?" Inuyasha asked curiously. The strange casual nature of this entire conversation wasn't lost on him. Whenever he'd met Koga in the past, literally the past, they'd been enemies. Well okay not enemies but competitors. However, now, they each had their respective mates. Koga had his longer and there was nothing to fight over anymore. That must be the difference. That and it was taking all of Inuyasha's energy to stay calm. He didn't have it in him to start a fight right now in any case. Too tired to fight this so he was just going along with whatever.

"Yeah. They met about two hundred years ago? Give or take," Koga laughed softly before he made a strange face, "How did you and Kagome met?"

"My ex pinned me to a tree and left me to die. Kagome set me free," Inuyasha snorted once as he took a sip of tea, "Traveled back in time to do it."

"Man I was an idiot back then," Koga laughed softly, "I had no chance in hell. How can you compete with time traveling destiny?"

Inuyasha smiled faintly and averted his eyes.

"Dunno. The well gave it a try though," Inuyasha mumbled as he pulled the tray closer and eyed the ramen. It smelled delicious but his appetite was basically gone. The thought of food was borderline repulsive but a glance at Koga told him this too was being observed. He had to force it down if he had any chance of leaving here.

"Smells good," he chuckled nervously as he picked up the chopsticks and began playing with the noodles, "I don't…I don't recognize the scent."

"That surprises me. You must've been eating low quality ramen then," Koga laughed but despite the casual sound, his eyes were deadly serious. Yeah, Inuyasha knew he was going to have to force down every bite. He just prayed he didn't puke.

"Um, so why don't…why don't you tell me what you've been up to since I last saw you?" Inuyasha asked in his best attempt to maintain polite conversation. All things considered he was doing relatively well. _Surprisingly_ well. However he was pulling this off was a miracle in and of itself. Now he just had to eat.

Wrinkling his nose, he took a bite and immediately fought not to gag. Coughing lightly, he gave Koga a forced closed lip smile and swallowed.

"Your doctor said you haven't been eating," Koga stated more than asked – his tone soft and non-accusatory, "And you look very thin."

"Just…just since I was sick haven't…haven't been that hungry," Inuyasha had to swallow repeatedly to keep the bile down before reluctantly picking up more noodles, "I…"

"I can prescribe some medication if you've been nauseous," Koga offered hesitantly, "Don't eat if you're going to puke."

Inuyasha wilted in relief as he nodded gratefully.

"Thanks. Just…just didn't want you to think…think I'm insane," Inuyasha tried awkwardly, "I mean I know I am but…but didn't want…I want to get out of here, ya know. Just…Kagome said we could leave but then you showed up."

Flinching at the word vomit that had just escaped his lips, Inuyasha set down the chopsticks and averted his eyes. Why had he said that? Now Koga was probably going to think he was putting on a brave face and pretending he was okay, which to be fair he was, but now…

"I told her she could take you to my hunting cabin," Koga informed him with a soft sigh, "But I need you to promise me something."

Wide amber eyes whipped in the wolf's direction.

"Don't hurt yourself and accept help when offered. Can you promise me that?" Koga demanded bluntly. Inuyasha nodded slowly.

"Jineji's daughter-in-law is going to come visit you both in a few days. That's Jineji's son's _wife_ , okay?," the wolf continued slowly - enunciating every word, "Mei is not a doctor yet. She's still in school. But you can trust her. And I want Kagome to meet with her as well. For the next couple of months, Mei is going to visit you once a week. On the day called Saturday. But if you so much as miss one session I'll have to bring you back here. If you _hurt_ her, I will personally _kill_ you. Do you understand me?"

Inuyasha nodded again as hope swelled in his heart. Kagome convinced Koga to let him leave? She hadn't lied to him after all. This was just a condition. And Kagome could just seal his arms down or something if it was a bad day. An hour of being contained for a lifetime of freedom was _nothing_. Nothing at all.

"You'll also need to gain some weight. I'm going to prescribe some powders and medication that should help with that," Koga continued, "If you keep losing weight, if you refuse to _eat_ , I will bring you back. Do you understand?"

Inuyasha nodded excitedly as a true grin spread on his lips. He could do that. That was a thing he could do.

"You know you're not doing well," Koga added softly as he tapped a few fingers against his own temple, "In here. You _know_ you're not. If you feel yourself getting _worse_ , you need to tell Kagome. You need to tell _me_. There are things we can try that might help. I need you to _promise_ me that you'll accept that help."

"I promise. Anything," Inuyasha breathed as he fought the strange urge to hug the wolf, "I'll do _anything_ you want me to."

"Okay then," Koga replied uneasily as he gave the half-demon a worried once over, "Then I'll approve you going. Don't make me regret this decision."

"No, no, no," Inuyasha promised as his mind quickly picked up speed and a manic grin made his face light up like the fourth of July, "Anything. I'll do it. I'm so, _so_ grateful Koga you have no idea how much…"

The wolf cringed and leaned back slightly as he stared at Inuyasha like he'd grown a second head before forcing a reassuring smile on his face and clearing his throat.

"Breathe Inuyasha. Slow down when you're talking."

At some point, right around the time when Inuyasha first answered the hotel room door, Koga had to accept something he wasn't sure Kagome had even realized yet. This wasn't Inuyasha. It was and it wasn't. This was not the man who had faced down Naraku and lived his life on pure adrenaline fueled confidence. _That_ Inuyasha had died however many centuries ago and this individual was someone else entirely. A shell of that man. Whatever facts and knowledge Koga had previously been operating under were about as relevant as watching the first season of American Idol. The general premise still existed and that was about _it_. This was not the man he knew. The man Kagome first loved. Inuyasha was now someone else entirely and no amount of distance or treatment would ever change him back. There was no reset button. No magical cure. This wouldn't just magically go away. There could be no assuming the reactions were normal for Inuyasha because this _wasn't_ Inuyasha.

It was clear that while Koga had known of the diagnosis, he'd been skeptical. Thinking that maybe the doctors were misreading Inuyasha's normal behavior combined with depression but he was man enough to admit how very wrong he was. And this was just the manic-depression. The trauma aspect wasn't even at play right now and Koga cringed internally at how bad that must be. He'd seen the damage. What happened when this poor man was _triggered_.

And that realization hurt the wolf more than he'd ever admit out loud. They might not have gotten along back then but he'd always respected the mutt. His heart broke a little imagining what Kagome's reaction would be once she realized the cold hard truth. Once she accepted it.

But he imagined she'd go to her grave in denial and thinking Inuyasha would come back to her.

"Okay, okay, breathing," Inuyasha laughed softly as he tried to collect himself, "Sorry I just...I got excited you know?"

Koga gave Inuyasha a very forced smile that was laced with pity.

"I know Inuyasha," he mumbled as he pushed the food back towards the giddy hanyou, "I know."


	26. Because Inside I Realize

Inuyasha let out a shuddering breath as he desperately tried to get his heart rate under control. It beat so fast it was almost choking him and his hands were trembling just enough to be visible to the naked eye. There was no reason for it either but while his mind had already come to that conclusion, more or less, it seemed like his body had taken on a mind of its own. Which made no sense. This was what he wanted wasn't it? The air here was clean. He could run uninhibited. Kagome even found some job doing online something or another. It had been two months since they came here and every day he'd been feeling better. The new woman they'd had him see was actually helpful. Had real world advice and would stop when she realized he was uncomfortable with a topic. _Actually_ helped him come to grips with the fact that there was nothing more he could've done to get back here. That it was out of his and Kagome's control. That revelation had actually brought a tear to his eye and for about a week he'd been able to breathe easier.

And then today hit him like a bag of hammers. Letting out another shuddering breath, Inuyasha held one hand lazily over his heart like somehow he could slow it down by pressing on it. His knee bounced at such a rate of speed no human could possibly match it.

And now Kagome was staring at him like she knew something was wrong and that only made his heart beat that much faster.

"Hey, come here," the former miko whispered as she gently reached for his hand and began leading him to the bedroom, "Let's take a nap."

Inuyasha laughed softly and shook his head.

"I'm not a _child_ Kagome," he teased weakly as he gave her a somewhat strained smile, "I just…I just need to do those breathing exercises."

"We can do them together, hn?" she offered and Inuyasha bit his lip to hold back the shuddering breath that wanted to escape, "Come lay down with me."

Knowing that fighting her would be a lost cause, Inuyasha accepted his fate and unsteadily got to his feet to follow her. It did help when she held him. It was almost funny to imagine how the old him would've reacted to this. Laying his head on her chest and snuggling close while she held him so tight. But he wouldn't lie. There was something about the pressure and closeness to her body that helped him calm down.

Settled and awkwardly spooning her side, Inuyasha tried to focus on Kagome rather than the pointless anxiety coursing through his veins like adrenaline. It was so hard to describe what was wrong. It wasn't fear. Fear would've been easier to express. It was…it was like some nameless instinct had been triggered for some unknown reason.

"I can feel your heart racing through my shirt," Kagome hummed as the hand on his back pushed him slightly closer – the other hand gently stroking his arm, "Do you know what happened?"

Inuyasha slowly shook his head as another shuddering breath escaped his lips. It was so, _so_ hard to control his breathing. An unwelcome vision – almost a _feeling_ – filled his mind of a rope being gently placed around his neck invaded his mind– filling him with a phantom sense of relief which made him gasp softly and hold Kagome that much tighter. That type of thought had been coming more and more frequently lately. A tick in the back of his mind at the slightest inconvenience telling him to kill himself on loop but he stubbornly ignored it. Hadn't even mentioned it to anyone. That was the type of thing that would have him being drug back to that stupid hospital. And yet those thoughts were like a vine slowly worming their way through his mind growing in strength and then shying away in the same breath. Idly he wondered whether this was how mother felt before she'd done the unthinkable. That…that wasn't good if that was the case.

But he was stronger than his mother. He could fight it. Those thoughts were just that. They weren't real and while, yes, death would provide relief from this hell he lived in, it wasn't the type of escape he wanted. This was temporary. It would get better. Kagome promised it would get better and he desperately wanted to believe her so he did.

"I'm not sure," he admitted softly, "I've been feeling fine and then this morning I…I couldn't breathe."

"Maybe we've been in the house too long," Kagome offered as she gently ran her fingers through his hair, "We could go into town if you want. Eat dinner out or just walk around?"

Chewing the inside of his cheek, Inuyasha let out another shuddering breath and tried to think about whether he wanted to do that or not. It was true they hadn't really left the house – which had been nice. It was calm and peaceful and predictable which was something that had been sorely lacking up until now. Maybe that had been the problem. It would be nice to know the problem had never been _only_ in his mind.

"Doesn't she come by today? I can't miss the appointments ya know," Inuyasha asked softly as he buried his face into Kagome's neck.

"We can wait until after you're done," Kagome offered, "Or I can call her and we can meet her and Jineji for dinner."

Letting out another shaky breath, Inuyasha tried to listen to Kagome's steadying breathing and follow its pattern.

"I don't think…" he began unsteadily before he swallowed thickly and tried again, "I think if I'm…I'm having problems we should stay here. What…what was the word she used? Over…overstim…"

"Overstimulated," Kagome offered thoughtfully before humming and nodding like something had occurred to her, "We watched a movie last night. Maybe that's it."

"Maybe," Inuyasha mumbled before he furrowed his brow, "I watched the news this morning."

"The news?" Kagome asked, "I don't remember hearing the TV."

"Put it on the lowest volume," he replied somewhat sheepishly, "Thought it'd be good to learn about this world since I live here and shit."

"What was on the news?" Kagome yawned softly as she rested her cheek against the top of his head and continued running her fingers through his hair.

"Talked about the weather," Inuyasha replied softly as his claws began tracing patterns along her side, "Something about imports. A…a comer…commercial for some type of food."

"I never like commercials. They're annoying, don't you think?"

Inuyasha laughed once and nodded. Already his heart was slowing though his breathing was not doing the same.

"What time is Mei supposed to be here?" Inuyasha mumbled tiredly as the final remnants of whatever the hell this was mercifully faded. Now that it had, though, he felt completely wiped out. His lips twitched upwards as Kagome began gently stroked one ear.

"Not until after lunch," Kagome replied and Inuyasha nodded in understanding. She always came by after lunch mainly to make sure he had eaten. Which he had been. Kinda. For sure he'd been eating like a bird – little bits here and there - but he was gaining weight so the powers that be didn't make too much of a fuss about it.

"You got somewhere to be?" he asked next as he let more of his body weight rest against her and got into a more comfortable position. He felt Kagome shake her head as she played with tendrils of his hair.

"Are you tired?"

Inuyasha nodded as he let his eyelids flutter closed, "Just a little."

"Me too," she breathed – her fingers moving to gently glide up and down his back, "I'll set an…"

"No alarms," Inuyasha groaned as he pulled back just enough to pout up at her, "I cannot deal with the alarms."

Kagome bit her lip to keep from laughing.

"You've never liked them," she admitted, "Broke my clock that one time."

"Like I said can't deal with the alarms," he hummed before plopping back down and gathering her to him, "I'll hear Mei when she comes. I just…just need to close my eyes for a…"

Since when did he yawn this much, Inuyasha thought bemusedly as his consciousness started to ebb. Guess he hadn't really been sleeping.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mei had all the grace and poise of a three-legged spider. Her movements choppy and swaying like she couldn't quite balance right. Her limbs seemed to be in some kind of dispute with her brain as to which direction they should go in and as such she stumbled most of the time instead of moving with fluidity and softness. The soft pink feathers adorning the wings on her back always seemed out of sorts and her violently pink hair was the color of Pepto Bismal. A bird youkai supposedly from a different continent who'd come here for school and met Jineji's son so she stayed. Obviously she didn't quite belong and that was reassuring. That, and it didn't hurt that she was kind and sweet and had a way about her that made everything seem easier.

"Did you work on the assignments I gave you?" Mei asked quietly as she strangely brushed the chair before sitting, "If not, we can work on it together. No worries."

Inuyasha still hadn't admitted that he had the reading and writing prowess of a child so he usually waited to finish these assignments with the girl. She was surprisingly easy to work with which was saying something.

"Okay lets see," she began before biting her lip and laughing once as she accepted the piece of paper being presented to her, "Oh drat, I forgot what I gave you. Of course I did. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached. Okay lets see…"

She scanned the paper as Inuyasha patiently waited for her to begin. Unlike the asshole who shall not be named, Mei wasn't pretentious and never acted like she was somehow better than him. In fact, she admitted her faults as readily as one would comment on the weather.

"Okay so this exercise was about…" she muttered quietly before smiling up at him, "It's a stupid one. Why don't we just talk today and maybe if we have time we'll do it?"

Inuyasha nodded gratefully as he accepted the paper back and placed it beside him on the couch.

"Alright so last time I think we talked about your relationship with your brother, right?" Mei asked as she flipped through her notes, "And you were going to think about seeing Rin. So have you decided whether to see her or not?"

Inuyasha cringed and shrugged as he began playing with his hands.

"I dunno. I guess I should but I never even talked to her back then. She was a child," Inuyasha cleared his throat, "It just seems like…"

He trailed off and his leg began to bounce anxiously. His heart rate increasing as he tried to say what he wanted to say without offending anyone.

"Like she was groomed," Mei supplied as she gave him an understanding smile and made a little note, "No, no I agree it does seem that way from a distance. I thought the same thing when I first heard their story."

"But you don't now _,"_ Inuyasha stated more than asked and Mei shrugged.

"To each their own. Its not my life," she hummed as she leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees, "You don't have to meet Rin if you don't want to. That's not a crime."

"I do and I don't," he began slowly, "I…well you know Kagome is human too."

Mei nodded.

"So she'll die before me," Inuyasha supplied and Mei furrowed her brow at the tone of his voice.

"There is a way you know. I can bring some brochures next week if you want," she offered kindly before suddenly stretching out one of her winds with an apologetic grimace, "Sorry. Sorry. Cramp."

Her wing stretched for a moment longer before she wrinkled her nose and her dark red eyes focused on him once more.

"So you want to meet Rin to ask questions but other than that, you have no interest," Mei concluded thoughtfully and Inuyasha nodded, "Has Kagome said you need to see her?"

Inuyasha continued to play with his hands instead of responding.

"What has she said?" Mei pressed gently and Inuyasha sighed.

"She hasn't really said anything one way or another," he admitted, "Except that she seemed interested that Rin was still alive. I think for the same reason."

"Well I'll definitely bring those brochures," Mei laughed as she made a little note and starred it. Smiling softly, she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and cocked her head to the side.

"You said last time that you were feeling better but you seem a little anxious today," she observed in that warm way only she could achieve.

Inuyasha subtly nodded his head and chewed the inside of his cheek.

"That's okay," Mei reassured him, "You know sometimes I still get anxious being here. I'm from a country called Chile and its very different here. I'm still a stranger in a foreign land. Much like you."

Inuyasha's lips twitched upwards and he let out a long breath.

"It felt…it wasn't because of anything," he began slowly as he tried to describe what happened, "Heart was beating fast and I couldn't breathe."

"Okay," Mei hummed thoughtfully, "Do you have any guesses why that would be? A bad dream maybe?"

"We watched a movie last night," he offered with a long sigh, "Ghostbusters I think was the name."

"That's a good movie," Mei commented as she tilted her head to the side, " _But_ I can see why it might have caused some anxiety. Ghosts and goblins and gods are what you're used to in your time but here not so much. Maybe it got your heckles up."

"My what now?"

"Instincts," she amended, "You know, maybe your mind was trying to figure out if it needed to be worried or not."

Inuyasha considered this for a moment and shrugged.

"There wasn't any reason to it," he continued, "It just…hit me, ya know?"

"Have you been keeping up with your mood journal?" Mei asked as she made a scribble and Inuyasha made out a little doodle of a ghost which amused him.

"I…" Inuyasha began before he shook his head and bit the bullet. The last thing he wanted was to get in trouble for not complying and he had an explanation as to why he had failed to do this stupid assignment yet again.

"If you haven't figured it out yet, I can't really write. Or read."

"Do you know what a happy face looks like?" Mei asked as she glanced up from her notebook before turning it so he could see and drawing a small doodle, "Like that. Or a frown." She drew the same, "For sad. A lightning bolt." She doodled, "Or really whatever you want to draw to express yourself. It doesn't have to be words."

Inuyasha smiled faintly before glancing up at her notes. They were simple and while he wasn't the best reader, he could read well enough to know that none of her notes were especially damning. It was also nice to know that she wasn't judging him for his lack of education. Not even Kagome really knew. Or if she did, she never mentioned it.

"I'll try that I guess," Inuyasha tried to meet her half-way. He hated the damn mood journal, but he'd do anything to not get taken away again. One separation was bad enough. He wouldn't survive a second.

"Its been nice weather, have you been running a lot lately?"

The conversation continued pleasantly as Mei got him to talk and made her little notes and doodles. Inuyasha couldn't explain why it was so easy to talk to her. Couldn't even begin to fathom why that might be but he had a feeling it might be something her youkai can do. Her ability. To project calm and ease. Or she really just was _that_ nice.

Either way, Inuyasha was man enough to admit it did help to talk to her and that gave him some hope that maybe he wasn't as crazy as everyone thought he was. Maybe it was just…pent up frustration or something and once he got it out he'd be fine. He'd be fine.


	27. That I’m the One

Panting heavily, Inuyasha hummed as he rolled off Kagome and flopped bonelessly onto his side. It had to have been two months, probably longer, since he'd even been interested in doing this and for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why he'd been avoiding it. _True_ , the greater part of the last year had been utter shit and his mental well-being hadn't been all that well for the better part of the _decade_ but that didn't mean...

Sighing heavily as the little dark cloud started hanging out waiting for its opportunity to make a fresh appearance, Inuyasha lazily blinked at Kagome with a tired smile playing on his lips.

"Love you," he murmured affectionately before he propped himself up on one elbow and dipped down to give her a quick kiss which she happily returned. For a moment, all was peaceful before insecurity and anxiety began swirling in his gut. There were other considerations too. Things he needed to ask. To say but couldn't find the words. Surely, if his nose was right, Kagome would've noticed or said something by now.

Unless it wasn't his. Which was possible. It had been a while. Not that he'd blame her if…if she found someone better but…

No that was a stupid thought. When exactly would Kagome have had an affair? Every hour of every day was spent taking care of his pathetic ass. Fuck he hoped his nose was wrong. How was he supposed to handle _this_? What was he supposed to say? Shouldn't he say something now? This seemed like a semi-appropriate time.

"I..." he began hesitantly as he thought about voicing his concerns before chickening out and blushing lightly, "Sorry it's been a while."

"Inuyasha it's fine," Kagome laughed good-naturedly as she scratched the base of one ear, "A lot has been going on."

Nodding, Inuyasha settled back down and lightly drug the tips of his claws across her stomach.

"So...so it's okay?" he pressed even as he tried to steer the conversation towards a possible outlet, "That we haven't done that in a while I mean. Wouldn't want a kid, right?"

" _More_ than okay. Besides I can't get pregnant anyway remember?" the former miko laughed before cringing slightly at the expression on his face. The insecurity was normal anymore but not the shame or guilt. What on...

Ah hell. Of course he took that the wrong way. What was she supposed to say now? ' _I enjoy having sex with you. That's not what I meant.'_ While Inuyasha had been doing light years better these past few months, there were still says where he did nothing except sleep all day. Where he'd start crying at the drop of a hat. Stare at nothing for hours on end or worse have a panic attack for no reason and start apologizing for dropping into her life. And then, of course, that poor excuse of a doctor who triggered him had been snooping around for some unfathomable reason. Started calling Inuyasha incessantly to the point where Kagome flat out cancelled his phone service much to the half-demon's utter relief. Now she was getting the threatening messages. Nothing too serious. More accusations of abuse and being overall the worst mate in history. Calling the local police force to do ' _well checks'_ until Koga put a stop to that.

Surprisingly, Koga had been their greatest ally in the fight against that asshat poking his large scaly nose where it didn't belong. Inuyasha clearly suspected something was bothering her but had internalized her upset as her being mad at him instead of asking about it. And the few times she'd tried to explain he'd ended up getting shaky and going for a ' _run_.' Thank god for Mei - the only person who was actually helping. Although, the last two sessions, she'd talked to her about medication but would never say what caused the sudden push. Inuyasha was doing better. Not great but not terrible. He seemed happier. More stable. What was the problem?

Little did Kagome know there was a _big_ problem. Intrusive thoughts slowly becoming more prominent and troubling. Inuyasha has confessed his tick. Seeking advice on how to stop the voice in the back of his mind.

' _Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.'_

Honestly, it was getting harder to bear. Nearly every waking moment that command bounced around in his head. It was easy to ignore for the most part but some days...

Some days he fantasized about the relief a rope around his neck would bring.

Letting out a shaky sigh, Inuyasha gently drug his fingertips across Kagome's stomach as he tried to stop the anxiety gnawing at his gut which was _so_ hard to ignore. Not that he'd ever been successful in ignoring it altogether. It seemed like a giant weight had permanently settled against his sternum, making his blood run cold and his heart-beat in his ears. The prayer that sleep would offer some reprieve going unanswered and every morning waking up to nausea. Humming as Kagome gently pressed her lips against his and moaning when her hand began fondling him, Inuyasha tried to comfort himself with the knowledge that at least he was wanted. That he was loved but no matter how thoroughly he believed that, the knowledge didn't fill the hollow feeling in his stomach.

"Like that," Inuyasha breathed as his eyes fluttered closed, "I...I..."

Kagome gripped him firmly and he whimpered in pleasure. At least after an orgasm he felt some relief - the surge of endorphins granting him a few moments of happiness. Well, not happiness per se. More of a feeling like a normal human being. It was the strangest thing. To not feel like...

"I love you," Kagome cooed as she gave that piece of his anatomy a loving stroke. Inuyasha smiled faintly before his jaw dropped and an appreciative moan passed his lips. Why hadn't he wanted to do this again? If anything could fix whatever was broken inside of him, it was probably this. Arousal was a god send. A good emotion. A predictable emotion. Pleasure stopped his tick- his body and mind distracted if only for a moment. This...this...

"Faster," Inuyasha pleaded before gasping when she squeezed. A few moments later he was on top of her. Maybe this was the answer. All he had to do was do _her_ all the time and his mind would get with the program. This constant feeling of…well next to _nothing_ was getting old.

That and all things considered, he couldn't risk going back into the darkness.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Smacking his lips, the crocodile scowled as he waited for the latest doctor to finish reviewing the half-demon's profile. All he needed was one more doctor to affix his name to the order and he'd be able to wrench that poor pitiful man away from his abuser. That miko was trouble with a capital T. Canceling Inuyasha's ability to communicate with the outside world. Once the girl was out of the picture, that boy would finally begin the path of healing. That human would finally get what she deserved.

The kasha demon set his jaw as he lowered the last page of the chart and accompanying memorandum.

"I'm sorry but I see nothing in here that warrants an involuntary hospitalization," the man replied with no lack of exasperation, "What I do see, _however_ , is that you harbor a general disdain for humans and are letting your prejudices bias what should be a…"

"The chart speaks for itself! It..."

"His last physical notated a flat affect, yes," the other doctor interrupted, "And it was self-reported that he'd been struggling with..."

"Suicidal thoughts," the crocodile hissed, "Which was reported per the _law_. And these thoughts have been ongoing. Its not…"

"Again, having fleeting suicidal ideation does not warrant _involuntary_ hospitalization nor would I characterize this boy's intrusive thoughts as an immediate risk. What you're proposing is a drastic measure," the kasha interrupted with a long sigh as he lifted a few sheets of paper and glanced over it, "Even his therapist wrote that she didn't deem him a risk to himself or others at this time. As for your suggestion, I see no indication that the wife has been anything other than supportive. Inuyasha's primary trigger is actually the idea of separation from her. You knew this and yet suggested the _one_ thing that set him off. Now you're saying that somehow the one at fault for his outburst was this..."

The doctor glanced down at his hastily written notes.

"This Kameko..."

"Kagome," the crocodile corrected and the other doctor pursed his lips, "My objections about the girl aside I am concerned for Inuyasha's well-being. Yes, his last outburst was almost a year ago but the suicidal ideations are relatively new. We need to take action and _quickly_. By all accounts…"

"I need to meet with them both before I sign anything," the kasha replied firmly, "And all I might do is write a script for medication. Hospitalization may very well make him _worse_ not better."

"You're making a mistake," the crocodile huffed, "And when that boy loses his damn mind, which I have _no_ doubt he will sooner rather than later, I hope you'll be able to sleep at night knowing it could've been prevented."

"I'll take that into consideration," the kasha snorted softly as he began collecting the paperwork and handed it back, "You need to let this go. I don't know how you got your hands on these records but Koga and Jineji know what they're doing."

"I don't like the insinuation that I _stole_ these records or something," the crocodile wheezed defensively, "And in any case Koga and Jineji are infectious disease specialists. They don't know a _damn_ thing about mental illness which is why _I'm_ still his treating physician in that arena until the boy gets another."

"I would argue forcibly removing you from his home constitutes a dismissal," the kasha replied calmly as he raised a single brow, "Wouldn't you agree?"

Shifting slightly in his chair, the crocodile narrowed his yellow eyes as he tried to plan his next move.

"I just need one more doctor to sign off," the crocodile hissed as he snatched the file back, "Just _one_. At least _meet_ with the boy before writing him off."

"I'm not writing Inuyasha off. Just _you_ ," the kasha replied dourly as he nodded towards the door, "As you're leaving, let my next appointment in would you?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 _"….don't tell her,"_ Inuyasha had pleaded softly as he'd glanced at the bedroom door, _"She'll think it's her fault and it's not. It…it just…and I'm not going to do anything. I'm not. It just pops up and…you know I've been arguing with the thoughts like you said but…but it doesn't seem to be making a difference and I know Kagome should know but it'd scare her and…and I just can't lose her right now. I don't want her to worry more than she already is…"_

The air around him seemed to be growing impossibly thin as his skin grew clammy and his heart began racing painfully.

 _"Inuyasha breathe,"_ Mei ordered gently – both perturbed by this latest admission and also honored that he was finally comfortable sharing with her, " _If you don't want me to tell her, I won't, okay?"_

It had been an uphill battle but more and more he had been opening up to her. It seemed like he'd finally realized actually talking out his problems was helpful. At first, it had been short answers. Yes. No. A forced sounding admission here or there. Now he was confusing in her. Looking for answers as to why the world suddenly seemed to spin out from under him. Confiding in his therapist things he didn't feel comfortable sharing with his wife quite yet. They were working on that. Mei hoped by the new year he'd be ready to take that step.

The half-demon nodded as he averted his eyes and played with his hands.

 _"I just…I hate being this way,"_ he continued hesitantly, _"I used to…I used to be this fearsome warrior and now…now I'm this."_

 _"You're still a fearsome warrior,"_ Mei laughed softly, _"That hasn't changed. You're just going through some things right now. Happens to the best of us."_

 _"Sometimes I wish it had changed. Not…not that I'd want to be weak or anything, it's just that I don't have…what did Kagome call it…shit…," _Inuyasha suddenly mumbled as a sad smile played on his lips, _"She was doing some job application…experience. My experience isn't useful in this era. And I can't really do anything else. I applied for…applied for one with the militia here but…but they said I wasn't a good candidate due to this."_

He gestured vaguely at his head and sighed.

 _"Which is fair I guess,"_ he continued with a roll of the eyes, _"I mean, can't just start bawling like a little bitch in the middle of a battle. I get it."_

Mei let out a sympathetic hum .

 _"The militia doesn't really do much to be honest but I'll ask around and see whether I know anyone hiring if you're really interested. There are some security positions and things of that nature. Maybe you could even be a personal trainer,"_ Mei suggested and Inuyasha looked up at her with slightly hopeful eyes, _"You could also help with archives given where you're from although that's more of a stationary position. I know you don't like being idle. Or, you know, you could be a stay at home father. There's no shame in that."_

Inuyasha sighed heavily and glanced towards the bedroom door.

 _"You can smell it too, huh?"_ Inuyasha mumbled wearily, _"I've been hoping it was just in my head. She's supposed to be on some medication to prevent it. Maybe…maybe its just…I'm not going to say anything until she does. Maybe she doesn't want it."_

Mei's eyes softened and pity laced her features for a moment before she masked the expression.

 _"Well the birth control they give humans isn't exactly made with demons in mind you know. It's entirely possible that the medication wasn't up to the task. But what makes you say she wouldn't want a baby? Has she said that?"_ she asked softly and Inuyasha turned his attention back to the little outrageously pink therapist.

 _"Not any baby. My baby," _Inuyasha sighed heavily, _"And besides, it's too early to tell."_

 _"You're avoiding my question. Has Kagome said she doesn't want a baby?,"_ Mei pointed out knowingly and Inuyasha chuckled darkly.

"I'm not gunna answer that."

" _Then I won't push the subject but I do think_ _you should talk with her,"_ Mei suggested kindly, " _I can bring a test with me next week and we can practice what to say, hm?"_

_"What do you mean test?"_

Bouncing his knee anxiously Inuyasha set his jaw and ran the memory over in his mind as Kagome threw up in the bathroom yet again. She supposedly had a doctor's appointment tomorrow which was not going to end well. She'd probably be upset with him once she found out and regret her life decisions more than she already did. And it did _not_ help things that Mei cancelled her session this week. The clumsy flamingo was supposed to come yesterday but apparently her brat got sick and no one was available to watch the little one. Such was the life of a working mother he supposed. Inuyasha remembered all too well how Sango got stuck with that job. One time both twins got sick at the same time and Miroku had stayed behind to help out. Being a parent meant even when you're unwell you had a job to do and your health no longer mattered. That thought had knots growing in his stomach. What if he didn't have the energy to move? To eat? To even _breathe_? How was he supposed to care for an infant in that state?

Inuyasha sighed as his knee bounced even faster and he folded his arms tightly across his chest. And Kagome was already worn down with taking care of him. Grey hairs had started popping out and she looked permanently exhausted anymore. Like him coming back was draining the life right out of her. This was bad. All of it was bad and a baby was only going to make this living hell that much worse. He could've ignored his nose but he knew from Sango's experience that the incessant barfing was a very good and disgusting sign of pregnancy. As was the need to sleep more often and the eating. And the way Kagome was declaring everything smelled bad. What the hell was a cigarette anyway and why did that coffee stuff she used to love smell like them? Or the apple juice that she'd sworn smelled like sake? Or how she turned green at the eggs he made – which he'd been proud of by the way since he'd finally been motivated to do something other than mope all day and which she'd steadfastly refused to eat. And the tears….

The tears were the worst.

The toilet flushed in the bathroom and he heard Kagome trying to catch her breath as she washed her face. When the door opened, when he met her eyes, he knew she had finally figured it out.

"How long have you known?" Kagome asked hoarsely and Inuyasha cringed slightly.

"A month or so," he replied barely above a whisper before averting his eyes so he wouldn't see the anger he knew was oncoming, "But I wasn't sure. I…I didn't know if…if I was imagining it or something."

"I'm on birth control though," Kagome sighed miserably, "How…"

"Mei said something about…"

"You told _Mei_?!" Kagome hissed, "You told her _before_ you told me? Are you _serious_?!"

Neither Inuyasha's flinch nor the way he went pale went unnoticed and the former miko did her best to rein in her upset.

"I just…" Inuyasha mumbled miserably as he fought the urge to cry like the little bitch he was, "I just wasn't sure. I…I don't know how the medicine worked and she's a girl. I thought maybe she'd know how it happened. I mean I know how babies are made obviously but...but the medication thing I don't understand."

Nodding in understanding, Kagome chewed the inside of her cheek as she tried to stay calm. He'd meant what he'd said about sharing with her though she could tell he was editing himself a lot. Still, progress was progress. In all honesty, Kagome was glad he was trying. At first she hadn't been but looking back, she could tell he'd been in a bad place. She couldn't even begin to imagine what he was going through. Now she wouldn't lie and say it didn't hurt that he trusted Mei and even _Mama_ more than her. Okay Kagome knew it wasn't about trust. More Inuyasha was motivated by the fear of losing her which wasn't new. Their relationship had always been that way. Kagome could only hope one day he'd feel secure enough to tell her all the things.

Although it was a comfort that Mei knew and had some answers that the miko plain didn't know. A new baby on the way _would_ explain why Mei had suddenly been throwing the idea of medication out there. Suggest something to make him more stable so it would be one less thing to worry about. If it worked that is.

"Did she have any answers?" the miko asked with a shadow of anger and Inuyasha swallowed thickly.

"Human birth control pills weren't designed with demons in mind," the half-demon parroted lamely as he kept his gaze on the ground, "Or something like that."

The tick in his mind was growing louder with each passing second as he waited for the proverbial axe to fall on his neck. Kagome was going to leave him for sure and he wouldn't blame her at all. Who would want to have a child with someone who couldn't function?

"Well…" Kagome began as she crossed the room and sat down next to him, "Life happens when you make other plans I guess."

"Other plans?" Inuyasha asked in a hollow tone as he glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes. So she was planning on leaving him after all and now she was trapped.

"I understand if you want to..."

"I mean, we weren't planning on having a baby for a few years," Kagome interrupted as she reached up and gently tweaked one ear, "But everything happens for a reason even if it's a stupid one."

"Maybe," Inuyasha sighed as he leaned into her touch, "I was thinking..."

He cleared his throat and tried to ignore the ice suddenly flowing through his veins. What he was about to suggest was the last thing in the world he wanted but…but desperate times called for desperate measures.

"I was thinking of asking for drugs," Inuyasha continued barely louder than a whisper, "You know to…to try to control _this_ …" He paused to gesture at his head, "I'll do whatever I need to do ya know. To protect you. Protect the baby. Even if it means trying that."

"Only if you want to," Kagome sighed as she turned to press a quick kiss against his cheek, "You know I won't make you do anything you don't want, right?"

Inuyasha let out a shaky sigh and nodded.

"How far along do you think I am?" Kagome asked curiously after a long moment of companionable silence, "I wouldn't have even known if I hadn't started vomiting this week."

"The way everything smelled weird wasn't enough of a hint?" Inuyasha teased weakly and Kagome shrugged.

"Just thought the stuff might've gone bad," she laughed before furrowing her brow, "I guess I need to find a doctor, huh?"

"For the baby?"

"Yeah," Kagome hummed before cringing slightly and glancing at the slightly hopeful looking half-demon.

"We might need to move back to town," she opined hesitantly, "Just in case something happens. Its just…there's no hospitals here and…"

"I _just_ said whatever I need to do, didn't I?" Inuyasha cut her off in a very forced tone, "I mean hell in like a few months we can move back to your moms once I get that shot thing. We can do whatever you think is best."

"Well I've been meaning to talk to you about that anyway," Kagome sighed heavily before cringing and blurting out when he looked sick, "About buying our own house. Out here."

"Out here?" Inuyasha repeated as he tried to force his body and mind to relax. Glancing out the window, he smiled faintly at the idea but quickly dismissed it no matter how badly he wanted that type of life. Yes, it was green and open here. Yes, he'd been doing lightyears better in this environment that felt more like home than any other place they'd lived but…but this wouldn't do for raising a child. In this era, children went to school. There weren't any schools here. No stores for quick access to things a child would need. Hell, their electricity went out whenever a storm came through. Having a child complicated things. Whatever he needed, whatever he wanted, no longer mattered.

"We need to live in town," Inuyasha sighed heavily as he gave his wife a very forced smile, "Be closer to things the brat might need."

"Okay yeah but…"

"I'm fine," Inuyasha reassured her and he hoped she bought the shit he was selling, "Really. I'll do whatever I need to do to protect you both."

Kagome tried to keep her expression neutral, positive even, but something about how he'd said that twice now had alarm bells ringing faintly in the distance. She'd need to keep track of when he said that kinda thing. Nine months in and she'd managed to read what he was saying like something straight out of a playbook. ' _Tired'_ usually meant depressed or overwhelmed. _'I could eat'_ usually meant he wasn't hungry at all but realized it wasn't normal to not want to eat. _'Not hungry'_ meant he was too far gone to care what was normal and what wasn't. _'I'm fine'_ always meant the opposite. ' _Need to run'_ usually meant he was anxious or had a plethora of irregular energy to burn. His body language and tone told her the rest. That and the time he ordered a crate of ramen without telling her. It made Kagome both proud and horrified that Inuyasha had figured out how to use the internet to buy unnecessary things. Ramen. Shirts that said funny things. Random pieces of jewelry he thought she'd like. A reusable sandwich bag for sandwiches he didn't even eat. Most of the things he ordered he didn't even remember ordering and thankfully none had been expensive. Impulse purchases they might be but thankfully he hadn't bought anything that broke the bank.

Random buying of things and mood swings aside, most of the last few months Inuyasha was his usual cocky self. Well more or less anyway. Times he didn't seem as heavy and genuinely smiled. Even tried to pick a playful fight with her. Mei's influence had done wonders for him. His crying spells had become less frequent and most of the time, he had enough wits about him to explain that he didn't know _why_ he was crying. Mei has given Kagome some tips on how to handle those and by and large, Kagome was now capable of helping Inuyasha through the worst of it. The exercises Mei had given him seemed to genuinely lessen his anxiety. Sure, there were some days he was angry as hell for no reason but he never took it out on her per se. More the poor forest around them suffered a few brutal casualties. As had his poor hands which almost constantly bore gouge marks from where his claws dug in. That...that concerned her. Even when he acted ' _normal_ ' the injuries were there and they were always fresh. Maybe he just wanted her to wrap them. The desire for nostalgia mandating that bad habit.

In any case, ' _whatever I need to do_ ' was new and seemed to be a thinly veiled declaration of some kind. ' _Protect'_ to someone who thought of themselves as a burden may have many meanings and most of them bad. There was no telling anymore but Inuyasha had never been afraid to die for the cause so to speak. Maybe that was the real reason Mei was floating medication out there.

"Just be yourself," Kagome replied then as she gave his hand a gentle squeeze, "It'll be okay. If we can stare down Naraku, we can stare down a baby, right?"

Inuyasha gave her a slightly adoring smirk as he nodded before pulling her into a tight embrace.

"I'm going to do whatever it takes to protect you, okay?" Inuyasha swore quietly as he pressed his lips against her hair, "Whatever it takes."

Kagome was glad he couldn't see her worried cringe.

"It'll be okay," Kagome promised before adding with a dejected sigh as she returned his embrace, "Just stay with me and that'll be enough."


	28. Confused

If there was something that Inuyasha didn't mind about this era, it was mattresses and the quality of the bedding. More than that, it was the ease at which one could procure enough blankets to smother yourself. Currently he had literally every blanket they owned and a comforter laying securely on top of him which offered a soothing pressure on his anxiety tightened muscles. Cocooned in the warm and comforting shield against the world, Inuyasha burrowed him further still and wiped away the single tear sliding down his cheek. After a long discussion with Mei and an awkward one with Koga, it was agreed upon that he'd start taking medication.  
As in _tomorrow_.  
Today, however, he was allowing himself to mourn his fall from grace one last time. Whatever he wanted. Whatever he was going through no longer mattered. In a way, Kagome being pregnant felt like quite possibly the worst thing that could ever happen. He had hoped...  
He had hoped he could've been normal first. Have at least a little time where his present state of mind wouldn't be ruining everything and they could live together. Be normal together. Where he wouldn't be a burden and...and...  
A soft whine escaped him as another tear fell. But it wasn't meant to be. Whomever he used to be was pretty much gone at this point and even...even if he did one day find himself again, he had ruined the one chance he had to be...  
It would be better for her and for the baby if he just left. There was no way for him to safely care for an infant. Even Sango wouldn't let him be alone with the children towards the end. Just remembering the fear in her eyes when he got too close to them or wanted...  
Exhaling shakily, Inuyasha subtly shook his head to shake the image free. Kagome would look at him that way. She'd end up exhausted taking care of two people who couldn't care for themselves. He just wanted...he just...  
And it wasn't like he'd ever thought about being a father before Kagome dropped out of his life. Being a father was right up there with the moon falling out of the sky. It was so beyond the realm of possibility that he didn't even bother thinking about it. The only role model he had on fatherly things to do was Miroku and...  
Damn it all the monk had set the bar really fucking high. In almost every single way. To an extent, Miroku had even tried to parent _him_. When he wasn't eating it was Miroku who forced him to eat. Not so much with words but meditating quietly for hours next to him until it became uncomfortable and Inuyasha finally just ate to get some alone time. The monk never left until the food was gone. _Never_. Come to think of it the monk almost never left him alone. No matter what he did the monk was always watching. Not that he ever went far from the well. Wasn't that hard or nothing to stay close but even late at night sometimes the monk'd come out to the sacred tree under the guise of Sango's snoring. Which _had_ been somewhat believable at the time. Since her third pregnancy Sango's snores has become something to be feared. Terrifying in both volume and length. In retrospect though, it was obvious what Miroku had really been doing.

Miroku had been concerned - not just for Inuyasha's sake but for Sango as well. Kohaku's death has been sudden and jarring. The slayer...the slayer had always worn a mask well but there was something off...

Inuyasha subtly furrowed his brow under the blanket. Had Sango felt like he did now? Surely not. Sad maybe and sleeping more than usual and definitely angrier than normal but...but...

Shaking his head, Inuyasha made a mental note to see if this stupid town might've kept tabs on his friend's progeny and if not, whether the internet would help. Internet didn't care if you had the spelling prowess of a six year old. It figured it out and did it's thing. Internet gave exactly zero shits about anything but it's job. Must be nice to know what you were meant to do in life and be good at it. Must be real nice.

"If the idea of taking medication scares you to the point where you're hiding in a blanket fort, maybe we should wait a little while until you're sure," Kagome's semi-amused voice filtered into his ears. Inuyasha's lips twitched upwards at her joke.

"S'not that. Just cold in the stupid house," Inuyasha mumbled with a faint blush and Kagome hummed.

"Sure. Sure," the miko sighed as she sat down at his feet and gently stroked over the general proximity of his leg, "There's no rush Inuyasha. If you're not comfortable with the idea...your mood swings have been getting a little better. Maybe you should..."

Inuyasha fidgeted slightly under the blankets. Mei had been working with him on admitting the true reason he was getting the medication in the course of talking him off the proverbial ledge. It wasn't necessarily because Kagome was pregnant that he'd finally agreed to try medication. Mei had been not-so-subtly suggesting it for some time. Ever since he first admitted that he had that tick and what it was telling him to do. Wasn't like the tick telling him to kill himself was a good thing when one had a pregnant mate. Even if he _was_ useless Kagome shouldn't have to do parenthood all by herself. Medication might stop the command. Might make him better in more ways too. But his main reason was that when it was just Kagome it was more appealing. With a baby who...who was like him...

There would be things he'd need to teach. Things only he really could.

"I...I sometimes..." he began hesitantly, "Sometimes I hear things. Bad things. That's...t-that's why they want me to take drugs. Why I want it..."

The silence that followed was deafening.

"You what?"

Inuyasha flinched at her horrified tone.

"Just...just it...I'm not gunna but it just...you know..." Inuyasha sighed shakily as he slowly sat up and folded the mountain of blankets so he could visibly gauge her reaction, "You know it says... _things_."

"What kind of things?" Kagome asked quietly as she reached out to take his hand but he gently pulled it out of her reach. Averting his eyes, Inuyasha shrugged once before starting to pick at his nails.

" _youknowkillyourselfandstuff_ ," Inuyasha admitted in one breath as quietly as he could. Keeping his eyes down so he didn't have to face her reaction, he waited.

A long shaky sigh.

"Have you ever thought of acting on it?

Inuyasha's lips morbidly twitched upwards as he continued picking at his hand, "You sound like Mei. And sometimes...but not really. Not right now."

"And Koga and Mei think medicine will help?"

"They don't know. Maybe," he admitted, "And...and I wasn't keen on trying the drugs until...well you know. Baby and shit."

Another shaky sigh and then he heard Kagome move.

"Scoot over," Kagome commanded gently and Inuyasha complied. Cuddling up to him, the miko rested her cheek atop his shoulder while one arm circled his waist, "You're right. It is cold in this house."

* * *

Miroku smiled faintly as he watched one of the now ten year old twins training in the slayer way while the other was practicing archery with Rin. Three years had brought many changes. Kaede had passed this past spring and thus, Rin had become the miko of the village. _Shockingly_. Whomever would have guessed the little girl who followed Sesshomaru around possessed such a skill. As far as Miroku knew her family hadn't been blessed with such a gift. It was odd. Even more odd was the fact that she would be gone once his daughter was competent enough.

Sesshomaru has made his move. A relatively unsettling move. Something had changed in the relationship over the past two years. For the longest time Miroku assumed the daiyoukai had thought of Rin as a daughter but that was _clearly_ not the case. The question then became whether Rin was to become a concubine but that was quickly put to rest when Jaken began referring to the young woman as ' _my lady.'_

Miroku's lips twitched upwards as he imagined Inuyasha's horrified reaction to this turn of events before a sadness touched his eyes. Even after all this time he sorely missed his friend. There were still times when he would make a joke which made his family groaned and instinctively looked to the half-demon who had always subtly enjoyed them. An expertly restrained half-smile, a laugh hidden behind amber eyes and the short exchange of glances. Even during the quest, Inuyasha had done so.

And _no one_ else thought he was funny. Especially his wife. Sango had definitely changed since Inuyasha's departure. The woman who used to be warm and ooze happiness had become more muted. Still herself but just less so. Oh he still loved her more than life itself and she loved him just as fiercely but it was obvious to anyone with eyes that she was struggling still. Kohaku. Kagome. Inuyasha. The heart could only take so many losses and hers had never fully mended. Their children never knew the fierce warrior their mother once had been but they did know a woman who oozed comfort and unconditional love. Life had just not been fair to her and she was ill equipped to deal with the losses she'd suffered.

In a way, Miroku prayed she went first. He didn't want to think of what would become of her if Sango lost him as well.

"What are you thinking about?" his wife laughed softly as she sat down beside him before following his gaze, "They'll be fine Miroku. You can't protect them forever."

"Ah but one can try," Miroku hummed as he reached over and squeezed her knee, "At least the others are too young to enter into such dangerous professions. Perhaps they will become merchants."

"They will now how to spot a con man when they see one," Sango teased and Miroku chuckled good-naturedly, "Oh the things you did during the quest. Can you imagine Nao's reaction?"

"He would give me a very stern lecture," Miroku hummed bemusedly, "And Aiko would mimic him and add in her thoughts for good measure."

"She does make quite intense sounds doesn't she?" Sango sighed happily as she glanced over at her two youngest children. Their little girl was a surprise. Having made a year just a few short months ago she was rambunctious and high spirited. Inuyasha would've adored her in particular. Perhaps even declared her to be his favorite. Sango's soft smile faded. Kagome would've loved her too. She would've loved them all.

Kohaku...

"I think..." Sango cleared her throat as she leaned against her husband, "I wonder if Totosai is still around."

Miroku furrowed his brow.

"Why..."

"He makes swords doesn't he? That would be a good gift for the girls," she added thoughtfully, "And Nao as well."

Miroku nodded slowly. That was such an odd request he didn't even know where to begin. How did one summon Totosai and where exactly did he live? Perhaps Sesshomaru would know. Rin would be the only one who could ask and have the daiyoukai not refuse.

"I'd like to come with you on your next exorcism," Sango continued, "I've been training again."

"I know," Miroku acknowledged uneasily, "But do you..."

"Kilala will protect them," Sango interrupted gently, "I just want to get away for a little while. Just you and I."

"As you wish Sango," Miroku sighed as he rested his cheek atop her hair and gently intertwined his fingers with hers, "I'm expected at our sister village in a few days. Would you be up to it?"

Sango nodded and smiled while the pair continued to watch their children.

* * *

"I have five recommendations," a crocodilian huffed as he pushed the letters towards the local police chief, "And he's strong. Wife's a miko. I will need your support to force him to comply."

The moth demon smacked his lips as he pulled the papers closer and examined them.

"I don't see Koga or Jineji's recommendation," the man sneered as he pushed the paperwork back and gave the reptile a suspicious once over, "We know Inuyasha is under their care and we know they have a restraining order against _you_. If we do anything, it'd be keep you away from him."

The crocodile scowled.

"So you'd have an unstable man ruining the reputation of your trading post?" the crock challenged and the moth rolled his eyes.

"It's been almost a year and that boy hasn't done anything out of the ordinary that we can see," the moth snorted, "Hasn't violated any of the orders. Does everything by the book. If I called these doctors to confirm, would they have ever even _met_ him?"

"You don't have the authority to make medical decisions on behalf of patients or to challenge an attending physician," the crocodile hissed and the moth raised an eyebrow.

"No but I have a court order that tells me who does make the calls concerning Inuyasha. A court order I am intimately familiar with and you ain't on that order buddy. Neither are any of these other quacks so make my day and go up there," the monk chuckled softly as he set his jaw, "Then you'll get to see what I _am_ licensed to do."

"This isn't over."

"Yeah _okay_ ," the moth sighed as he handed the papers back, "The next train leaves in an hour. I expect you'll be on it. Come back with a court order and then we'll talk."


	29. I'll paint it on the walls

Inuyasha stretched his arms over his head as he inhaled the pungent scent of pine and cold with a soft smile on his face. Why he'd been afraid of medication he'd never know. Sure, at first, it took some adjustments to get it right but now…

Now he felt like himself again. Like a fog had been lifted and he could actually breathe.

"Inuyasha?" Kagome yawned as she stood in the doorframe – a blanket wrapped around her as a groggy pout played on her lips, "You left the door open again. It's cold."

"Then shut the door woman," Inuyasha teased before rolling his eyes when she began trudging outside and sidled up to his side. Wrapping one arm around her, he sighed as his hand gently caressed her arm through the comforter, "Thought you were cold."

"Well its pretty outside," she countered groggily as one hand wormed up to rub the sleep out of her eye, "And I need to make sure you don't go on a run. We've got to leave for your appointment soon."

Wrinkling his nose, Inuyasha was rather irked that he'd been found out so easily and that he was so predictable. It seemed like every time they saw the stupid doctor in town, which had been required every week for the past seven weeks, he came back feeling like shit. Being questioned and pushed to see if he'd react while this new person, who had to be younger than him, scribbled on their pad. Worse yet, he apparently had been such a concern to the demon community that they'd contracted out and brought in some student from…shit what was the name of that stupid country…. _Korea_. They'd brought in a demon from Korea who knew mind crap. Koga and Kagome both reassured him it was not just for him – that with the crocodile being basically fired from his job there was no doctor so they had to bring in someone else to take care of all the mentally ill patients.

They said that but, as far as Inuyasha could tell, he was the only mentally ill demon that existed in the whole of Japan. Why else would this stupid place only have one doctor who was that bad at his job?

"I know you don't like it," Kagome offered sympathetically, "But you said last night you are feeling more like yourself."

Inuyasha regretted that comment. It was dirty to use his own words against him. Even if they were true.

"And besides, you'll get your shots today too," Kagome hummed as she leaned her head against his shoulder, "And then we can go wherever you want."

"I do miss your mom," Inuyasha sighed in a resigned fashion before he wrapped his arm around the slightly shivering miko and guided her to turn around, "Come on. Let's get you inside."

"I was thinking for our wedding that we should get something to represent our friends," Kagome hummed as Inuyasha helped her up the steps, "You know. Navy and coral colored flowers or something. A little orange thrown in."

"That sounds like a hot mess," Inuyasha snickered, "Like someone threw up and thought it was art."

Kagome pouted as Inuyasha closed the door behind them and turned to face her.

"What about, oh I don't know, bronze and ivory or something?" Inuyasha teased as he walked passed her and opened one of the cabinets in search of something to snack on, "You know their weapons."

Thankfully, Kagome was of the same opinion as him. Their " _wedding_ " had been a terrible, meaningless experience and both of them wanted something, _anything_ else. It was mutually agreed upon that it be at the shrine and under the tree where they first met. Her grandfather would officiate. It'd be nice and quiet and Inuyasha insisted on wearing his " _normal_ " clothes and...

Inuysha found a bag of potato chips and began munching happily as he watched Kagome drop the blanket and head towards the bedroom. She was definitely beginning to show and had put on a very cute amount of baby fat. Just enough to make her look puffy which somehow made her that much more adorable. More cuddly too if he was being honest and she was definitely a bit more clingy recently which he wasn't complaining about in the slightest.

One of his ears twitched towards the door before his face turned as well. His chewing slowing as he listened to rustling just outside the door. Sniffing a few times, he couldn't find any disturbing things scent wise but still there was something strange about it. Something wrong.

"I want to go by that sweet ice place again if they're open," Kagome called out from the bedroom, "I've been craving that lemon thing they had."

"Thought you liked the orange one?" Inuyasha replied distractedly as his ears adjusted slightly trying to detect whether there was actually movement outside or whether he was just imagining things. He'd gotten better about his paranoia, more aware when his mind was playing tricks on him, but that didn't meant it had gone away completely. More than once, he'd woke up in a cold sweat believing her heard something outside only to go out and find nothing. It'd happened more and more recently too. Probably something he needed to discuss with Mei at his next appointment.

Sighing, Inuyasha wrinkled his nose as the rustling happened again. Definitely something that needed to be addressed. It was probably a squirrel or something and here he was getting fixated on it.

"Yeah but I want the lemon one this time," her voice getting stronger as she came back into the room, "What're You..."

"I thought I heard something outside," he explained softly as he glanced over his shoulder before snorting and grinning at his stupidly bundled up wife who could easily be mistaken for a marshmallow. Puffy jacket, puffy boots, puffy mittens, puffy hat, puffy face.

"Its not that cold, Kagome," Inuyasha snickered as he turned to fully face her and half-sat on the edge of their couch, "You're going to get overheated and then I'll be stuck carrying all that."

"Maybe not to _you_ but I almost froze just now," the miko humphed as she folded her arms over her chest and glared, "Are you saying you _don't_ want your pregnant wife to be comfortable?"

Inuyasha had to bite his lip to keep from grinning before he shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"No. Just saying I think she's being stupid and I'll be carrying all that around town."

"Well I want to be _warm_ when we go down the mountain," Kagome countered acidly, " _Forgive_ me for wanting to be _comfortable_."

"You won't be comfortable. You're _going_ to be overheated," he warned affectionately before glancing out the window again with a soft sigh as another rustle had his ears whipping that way, "I swear I'm hearing something but, you know…"

He gestured towards his head as he often did when he thought something was happening that was more based in his illness than reality. His subtle and silent way of letting her know he wasn't okay. Mei had actually suggested it. A light scratch on his temple whenever he needed to express he thought something might be wrong. Pinching his nose when a meltdown might be incoming. Subtle and unnoticeable to those who didn't know what it was.

Closing her eyes, Kagome tried to see if she sensed anything outside and was pleasantly surprised to find that one of two somethings did indeed hit her radar. Okay, maybe not _pleasantly_ but…but it was better than learning Inuyasha was devolving or something. Definitely better to be attacked by something _real_ than something imagined.

"No there is something. Two blips actually but they're small," Kagome reassured him before giggling at how strange a thing that was to reassure someone about. Under normal circumstances, she imagined telling someone there was something outside would be a bad thing but the relieved look in his eyes told her he welcomed that news wholeheartedly.

"Are they close?" he asked wearily and Kagome shook her head.

"The officers did say there were a few small youkai who live up here," Kagome soothed, "You know, sprites and things. And the aura didn't feel menacing. They're probably just foraging."

Inuyasha let out a long exhale before smiling at her.

"Probably," he agreed as he placed the half-eaten bag of chips on the counter before moving to the bedroom, "I'll go change and grab my jacket and then we'll go."

"Sounds like a plan."

* * *

Sango had been withdrawing more and more recently – which concerned her husband greatly. For whatever reason, the sixth winter passing without Inuyasha or Kagome returning bothered her greatly. It had been twelve years since the slayer last saw the woman she considered her sister. Six years since Inuyasha, who she also considered a brother, had left. It was more the manner in which he left that was the source of much of the slayer's anxiety truth be told. Sometimes Sango would go to the well and drop something in just to watch it disappear – although she denied doing so when asked.

She always seemed disappointed when there was nothing there the next day.

"Do you think he found her?" Sango asked her husband one day who smiled and nodded – understanding immediately who she was referring to, "Still, I worry…he was not doing well…"

"Inuyasha is not Kohaku," Miroku comforted his wife softly and she let out a shuddering sigh.

"I didn't even realize something was wrong," she mumbled, "I should've but I didn't. Inuyasha seemed to be doing so much worse. He couldn't even hide it…"

"I'm sure Kagome helped him fight his inner demons," Miroku reassured her before chuckling and shaking his head at the unintentional pun.

"I hope so. I don't want her to feel…to feel like I did. Like I _do_ ," Sango managed before letting out a shuddering sob, "I keep wondering whether I could've done anything _differently_. Its been….it's almost been ten years and I still…and then Nao looks so _much_ like him, acts _so_ much like him and…and I wonder…you know with Kagome and Kikyo if he might be…"

Sango choked as one of her many fears was spoken out loud.

"Will I fail my _son_ too? I failed Kohaku. Inuyasha. Will I….will he…"

"Come here," Miroku ordered gently and the slayer complied and sank into his embrace, "I know it hurts. I know it does but…but what happened was not your fault. It wasn't and you won't fail _any_ of your children. You're a wonderful mother."

Sango merely sobbed.

* * *

Two little beady eyes watched as the couple left to head down the mountain before glancing at the house he'd been scouting these past few months. In that time, he'd learned their habits, their schedule. How far Inuyasha ran every morning. It'd be far too easy to put the doc's plan into action because those two were far too trusting. The little monkey sprite sighed as he stretched his arms above his head and leapt up to a tree branch to wait for them to return.

That croc better keep his end of the bargain after this was said and done. Otherwise, there might be an ' _accident'_ in his future too.


End file.
